Calvin's eyes fluttered open, and he could hear laughter from the kitchen downstairs. It couldn't be. He got up and, tugging his robe on over his pajamas he headed out of the bedroom and to the stairs. He could smell breakfast. Bacon in particular. And freshly brewed coffee. Calvin hurried down the stairs, a grin breaking on his face as he rounded the corner, entering the doorframe to the kitchen and saw his wife standing at the stove, making food. She turned and blew a kiss at him upon seeing him, as Calvin's eyes looked down to the table to see his little daughter coloring at the table and eating cereal. Calvin shut his eyes, starting to cry, until he felt a warm hand on his chest. He opened them and there she was, his wife, standing in front of him, handing him a hot mug of coffee.
"Good morning," she whispered, before leaning up to kiss him. And then he woke up. Calvin groaned and rolled over, grabbing the pillow next to him and dragging it across the bed to his face, burying it into the pillow and crying silently. When he finally emerged and headed downstairs, he found his parents where they always were in the mornings, in the den, watching the morning news. Calvin - now fully dressed - stopped, hands in his pockets, and watched with them for a moment until his father, Barry, noticed him and smiled over his shoulder at him. "Heya bud," Barry said, "we missed you at breakfast." "...wasn't feeling hungry," Calvin said, "I need to run some errands, is there anything you need?" "Some peaches would be nice," his mother said, looking up from her needlework, "I've been meaning to make a cobbler for a few weeks." "Sure mom, no problem," Calvin said, smiling weakly as he grabbed his keys off the wall by the front door and exited. These days, the days when he had the dream, were often the hardest to adjust to. The day never felt real. He inserted the key into the ignition once in the car and pulled out of the driveway, heading out to the store. Meanwhile, back inside Barry nodded at the television and his wife, Amelia, looked up. "That's not the normal weather girl," Barry said. "Well, maybe she's sick today," Amelia said. *** Truth be told, Kelly Schuester wasn't sick. In fact, she was at the ranch with Wyatt, while Mona prepared for her horseback lesson, getting changed into her gear in one of the bathrooms. Kelly and Wyatt, as they waited, strolled around the stable, looking at all the horses. Kelly reached into a bag of feed hanging by one of the stalls and came away with a handful of grain, before opening her palm under a horses nose, watching as it chomped away and she laughed. "I don't know why you invited me," Kelly said, "but I appreciate it! It's been ages since I was around horses." "Guess when someone stops you from killing yourself, you sort of wanna keep them around," Wyatt replied, shrugging. "Yeah, what was that all about?" Kelly asked, wiping her hands on her pants, as she walked back to Wyatt and, together, they continued down the stables. "I don't know," Wyatt said weakly, "things have just been difficult and weird lately. Feeling like I'm disappointing my wife, feeling like I'm disappointing my friends. Hate my job. Everything just feels like it's suffocating me, so I figured I'd do the best thing for all involved and remove myself from the equation entirely." "That wouldn't be the best thing," Kelly said, "I watched you and Mona interact. Your daughter adores you, and besides, if you died, who would I have to hang out with when Rachel isn't around? Really, you're just taking away my hobby. That's rude." Wyatt laughed as they stopped and Kelly started feeding yet another horse. "Anyway," Kelly continued, "I don't blame you for feeling that way. Lord knows I have felt that way too. I think most people probably have, they're just too scared to admit it because they worry it makes them look weak. Society has demonized suicide to such a degree that even the mere thought of wanting to do it is now enough to shame spiral someone into actually doing it, ironically enough. But that's what I think I've learned from it, ultimately. You're not alone in life, sure, because others feel the way you do. But you're also not alone in death, because others would miss you. Nobody can ever really be alone. There'll always be someone to whom you were their entire world, like Mona." Wyatt felt himself getting choked up, as he nodded, taking her words to heart. Just as they exited the stables, they saw Mona atop her pony, trotting around inside the pen, her instructor right beside her, guiding her carefully, keeping a watchful eye. Upon seeing her father, Mona waved. "Daddy! Look!" And Wyatt smiled. Kelly was right. If nothing else, he had to stick it out for his daughter. She was the reason he wanted to change his life to begin with anyway. He wasn't going to take away her biggest supporter now. He would do what his own father never did, and he would be there. *** Calvin turned a peach over in his hand, grimacing. These looked awful. He couldn't bring these back to his mother. He sighed and went back to digging through the peach barrel, trying to find just one, even, that wasn't about to be rotten. He heard a cart stop beside him and turned to look, surprised to see Celia there of all people, leaning on her cart, in the most "mom" outfit he'd ever seen her in. Some sweatpants and a v-neck t-shirt, her hair up in a bun. She smiled at him, as she watched him look for peaches. "In the mood for some fruit?" she asked. "My mom wants to make cobbler," Calvin said, "what are you doing here?" "What does anyone do at a grocery store?" Celia asked, chuckling, making Calvin laugh. "Fair enough, stupid question," he replied. "One of my few days off, so I'm getting some errands done. Son's at home with a babysitter while I do this, but once I'm done I figure I'll take him to the park, go get some lunch, mother/bonding sort of stuff. You feeling okay? You weren't exactly in the best headspace last time we spoke." Calvin shrugged as he picked up yet another over ripened peach, "eh, who can say? At this point, just waking up is good enough for me. I manage each day as it comes. That's really all I can. That's what the grief counselor said." "You in therapy?" Celia asked, sounding surprised, but Calvin shook his head as he finally found a few peaches he liked and began tearing off a bag to put them in. "Naw, this was a grief counselor I saw back after the accident," he said, "but she did give me a few good pointers I still use, including that one. Manage each day as it comes. That being said, it's always worse when I have the dream." Calvin turned and began heading to another section of store, Celia pushing her cart alongside him to keep up. "What dream?" she asked. "Every once in a while," Calvin said, grabbing a box of blueberries from a shelf and dropping them into his basket as he continued, "I'll have this dream, or a variation of the dream, where I wake up and my family is still here. The one I usually have, like this morning, is when I come downstairs and my wife hands me a cup of coffee, and my daughter is at the table eating breakfast and...it feels so real, but I never get to do more than take the coffee. I never get to kiss my wife. I never get to eat breakfast with my daughter. It's hell." "I'm so sorry Cal, that sounds so rough," Celia said quietly, "...but, isn't it at least nice to see them, even if only momentarily?" "No, it's awful. Because then I wake up to reality, and the reality is they're dead. It's not a dream, Celia, it's a nightmare," Calvin whispered, feeling tears well up in his eyes, but he wouldn't cry, he'd never cry about it in public. Celia put her hand on his arm and he glanced at her. "I have a child, Cal, I can't imagine losing him," she said, "I understand." Calvin nodded slowly, before hugging her, taking her by surprise, but she just chuckled and hugged him back. It was true that, for all intents and purposes, their children were the thing that connected them all more than anything else, even their shared crimes. That was the one thing nobody could take from them. That connection. And it would be that connection that would ultimately keep them together as allies. *** "She's good," Kelly said, sitting on top of the fence, watching Mona ride, as she sipped from one of the juice boxes Wyatt had brought for Mona to have as a snack; Kelly tossed her hair and added, "I wonder if it's just a thing every little girl goes through, the whole 'horse phase'. Lord knows I was obsessed. I used to take riding lessons and I had a whole cowgirl getup and everything." "Loser," Wyatt muttered, making her laugh as she hit his arm playfully, causing him to grin. He really enjoyed ribbing Kelly, because he knew she'd never take it seriously. If anything, she had the most self esteem and certainty of anyone else he knew. "I think it's this feeling of power. Women are often represented or thought of as being powerless, so to have commanding power over such a strong animal, it makes you feel like, 'oh, maybe I DO have control!' and make you feel better about your place in such a male centric society." "That makes sense," Wyatt said, opening a candy bar he'd pulled from his pocket and biting into it, chewing as he spoke, "and that's what I'm trying to do. I want Mona to be strong, independent, fierceful. I don't want anyone or anything to ever stop her or make her think it could. I need her to be capable of taking on anything. She deserves to feel that sort of strength." "You're a good dad, man," Kelly said, squashing the now empty juice box in her fist, "like, my parents were alright, but you're really going the extra mile, and that's the kind of thing she'll remember when she grows up." Wyatt smiled, appreciating Kelly's kind opinion, but thinking about Calvin as he did. Calvin wouldn't get to see his daughter grow up, and he would. That didn't seem fair. He suddenly felt like he was flaunting his life in Calvin's face, and he felt bad about it. He should do something to make up for it, he thought. Get him a gift or something. "I'd like to have kids," Kelly said, "but not anytime soon. I kinda love my job and want to focus on that first." "Yeah, you big into weather?" Wyatt asked, grinning. "Well, I am going to Cloudcon in like less than a week, so," Kelly said, "and I love doing that sort of stuff. Seeing all the new weather tech always gets me excited. Call me a nerd, but-" "You're a nerd," Wyatt said, interrupting her. "-I still like," Kelly said, shrugging, chuckling, "besides, I like having something you can predict. Life is often so unpredictable that it's nice that there's at least some aspect of it, even if it's just the weather, that one can predict with some sort of semi-accuracy, ya know? I know it's a lot of guesswork a lot of the time, but it's still kind of comforting. I might not know what'll happen to me tomorrow, but at least I can sort of know what the weather will be like when it happens." "I'd never really thought about it like that," Wyatt said, hopping up on the fence to sit beside Kelly, "I guess you're right. That is sort of comforting." Together they sat there, watching Mona start to canter around the arena, Wyatt smiling, so proud of his daughter. "...they really named this thing Cloudcon?" he asked, and Kelly laughed, nodding; Wyatt shook his head, exhaling, adding, "jesus, they really couldn't come up with anything less dorky could they?" "Well I'm not really sure what else they could come up with, to be honest," Kelly said, "but yeah, it's kinda lame. They could've at least called it like Weather Works or something." "That's SO much better it's not even funny," Wyatt said, the both of them laughing. *** Calvin got back home that afternoon and helped his mother put away the groceries, of course presenting her with her peaches, which she was thrilled and appreciative for. For dinner, he even helped her cook, and she made that cobbler for dessert. Sitting there with his parents at the table, listening to them talk about current events or even just memories of old, Calvin did have to recognize he was thankful he still had them. He'd lost his wife, he'd lost his daughter - and in a sense, he'd lost himself - but thank god he still had his parents. Not everyone was that lucky. Rachel, he knew, didn't really have contact with her family, and he knew Wyatt hated his father, so perhaps he should count his blessings where they came. After dinner, Calvin did the dishes for his folks, then headed out to the shed for a bit, where he did some work for Leonard, knowing he'd have to get this stuff to him in a day or so. After that, he headed back inside, showered, and then, after getting himself a bowl of ice cream, he headed upstairs to his bedroom where he watched some late night TV and old sitcom reruns. After a little while, Calvin fell asleep. When he woke up, he heard the sound of laughter again from downstairs. He pulled on his robe and headed down the stairs, to once again find his wife making breakfast, his daughter sitting at the table. He shut his eyes again, and then he felt his wifes hand on his chest as she pushed his mug of coffee into his hands. He opened his eyes and she smiled, leaning up to kiss him. And this time he got to feel it. And then he got to have breakfast with his daughter. And for the first time in a long time, Calvin had a dream. Not a nightmare.
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A group of former high school classmates reunite at their 10 year reunion, and discover they each want something different, many with someone else there. What ensues is a labyrinthian relationship amongst them involving crime, murder, romance and, in one particular case, terrorism. Archives
May 2024
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