Rachel Minnow had vomited until she couldn't vomit anymore.
Flopping down onto her back on her bathroom floor in her dorm, she couldn't take it. She knew she had to go to class in about 15 minutes, but the way she was feeling...she couldn't afford to blow it off, but she also couldn't afford to throw up on everyone she came into remote contact with. Rachel eventually gathered herself back up, cleaned herself off, got changed, gathered her things and headed to class. She had to go. After all, people expected great things from her. That was all she'd been told her whole life. That people expected great things from her. From the moment her natural artistic talent began to show through, even at such a young age, her parents repeatedly told said, "You're going to be so successful that one day you'll be able to take care of us!" The level of unwarranted pressure that puts on a small child is despicable, Rachel quickly realized, and the last thing she wanted to do was take care of other folks, when she could barely manage to take care of herself. Now, as an adult who worked at a low effort coffee shop, she couldn't be happier with where others expectations of her lay. In fact, the only person she could let down at this point was herself, and she had the lowest expectations of all for herself, so she was rarely disappointed. Rachel still liked to paint. It wasn't like she'd given up on it entirely. She just couldn't handle the pressure that came with the potential success. Some people are built for fame, but most people aren't. Rachel, however, was built for fame. She just didn't want it. *** "Do you think we'll go to the same college?" Kelly asked, lying on Rachel's bed one summer afternoon in Sophomore year of high school. Rachel was seated at her desk, doing some light sketching while Kelly flipped through a magazine. "I doubt it," Rachel said, "mostly because I'll be attending an art college." "Maybe I could attend art college too," Kelly said, making Rachel laugh. "You don't have any artistic skills," Rachel replied, "You could barely manage to make a diorama for school!" "Yeah, I guess you're right," Kelly said quietly, sighing, then adding, "it's just not fair. I don't wanna go back to not having any friends. I got used to having you around." Rachel spun around in her desk chair and looked at Kelly. She smiled. "Hey," she said, "don't worry about it. We'll still be friends even if we go to different colleges. That'll never change." It did, in fact, change, and it didn't even wait until college to happen. Rachel stopped being friends with Kelly before high school was even over, and she rarely, if ever, felt bad for the fact. The reasoning? Certainly not anything Kelly could ever figure out, and was always too afraid to ask about. Instead she sat on the sidelines, seeing write ups about the up and coming future star painter, until one day, Rachel dropped out of college, and then dropped out of sight. Kelly never knew why this happened either, but at least this time, she was a bit more curious to find out the reason. *** "I'm livin' the dream," Rachel said, sitting at the table by the window, the usual spot she and Calvin and taken to meeting in the last few weeks; she bit into a bagel and said, "yes sirree." "This is the dream?" Calvin asked, trying not to laugh, "Gee, and the rest of us thought we had it made with the house and the family and the high paying job, when in actuality we got it all wrong. We're so stupid." "I don't necessarily mean the way I live is perfect, but, like, this way I have absolutely no expectations put on me, and it doesn't make me anxious. When I was in college, and my painting started getting noticed, it was stressful as hell. All those galas, all those shows, it was just...too high strung. Everyone always expected my best work. Mediocre or even middling work was never acceptable. Always had to be top notch stuff. But this? Nobody expects me to make the best cup of coffee they've ever tasted. That level of pressure I can live with." Calvin sipped his coffee and nodded, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah, I know what you mean," he said, "Once you've removed all the stressful things from your life, or in some cases had them removed for you, it does become somewhat easier to gauge what exactly matters the most. Keeps your mind clear. You're able to think more cleanly." "Exactly," Rachel said, "My head was fogged and clouded so often, and now...I mean, I have extreme depression but at least I can think about how to handle it without worrying about a million other things." A moment passed as they watched a mom and her two kids leave the coffee shop, both kids happily eating pastries while the mom drank her coffee. Calvin smiled at the sight, and Rachel sighed. "I used to think the most important thing in life was doing it perfectly," Rachel said, "meet someone, get married, have some kids, have a career, never allow a blemish on this plan...but now..." "It has its perks, I'll admit," Calvin said, "having people to care about and who care about you, but again, pressure." "I can barely handle a relationship. The last woman I was with became so intensely clingy that I felt bad when I split up with her because I didn't want her to assume it was the clingyness and not the fact that we were merely incompatible as partners." "And?" "I mean, it was partially the clingyness, but still, she shouldn't have to feel bad about it," Rachel said, the both of them laughing softly. *** The last person Rachel ever expected to see the night of graduation was Kelly, and yet here she was, standing on the front porch. Rachel hadn't gone to any of the graduation parties, but she was dressed and ready to go out with a few friends she'd met at a summer art program in senior year. Kelly, on the other hand, was wearing a band t-shirt and jeans, looking like the kid she always looked like. "What are you doing here?" Rachel asked. "I needed to pick something up. I left something with you a few years ago and you never returned it," Kelly said, "it's a photo album." "Oh, okay, come on in," Rachel said, stepping aside and allowing Kelly entrance into the house. The two girls headed up the stairs to Rachel's bedroom, and Kelly began looking through the closet, knowing this was where most of the stuff she left over eventually wound up. The girls used to be as tight as ever, always borrowing one anothers belongings, leaving things over at one anothers houses for years at a time, but now this item was the only thing of Kelly's left in Rachel's presence, and even that was about to leave. Rachel sat on the bed and watched her former best friend search. "I'm going out, if you wanna come," she said quietly, surprising even herself at the offer. "Uh, no thanks, I have to take this photo album to my grandma in the hospital," Kelly said. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know," Rachel whispered. "Besides, you didn't want to see me in high school, what would make me think you wanna see me now that it's over?" "I was just trying to be nice," Rachel said. "There's something you haven't done in a while." "You don't have to be a bitch," Rachel snapped. "No, actually, I kind of do. After the way you treated me, I think I need to stand up for myself once in a while, even to the people I never once would've expected to be mean to me," Kelly said, still searching through the closet, not even looking at her, "because you were the one person I never thought I'd have to defend myself from. It hurts." Rachel didn't even want to respond to that, because she wasn't really sure how to. Instead, she just stayed seated on the bed and waited until Kelly finally managed to uncover the photo album. The two walked back downstairs, and once Kelly was on the porch, she thanked Rachel for the invite, and apologized for what she said. As Rachel watched her former best friend leave, all she could think of was how bad she felt for Kelly. Rachel had always been weird, but she was able to at least make friends. Kelly couldn't make friends. It had been a miracle she and Rachel had become friends at all, and Rachel wondered what life must be like, to be that lonely. Now, as an adult, she understood exactly, and she couldn't lie, she felt kinda bad about the whole thing, even if she did enjoy her solitude. *** "It's not all it's cracked up to be," Calvin said another day, this time sitting in his car in the parking lot so Rachel could have a smoke break; he continued, "being alone and stuff. I mean, sure, it's got its perks, but there's something to be said about the level of comfort that comes from having those around you who want you there without expecting anything of you, and that's what a good relationship actually brings." "It's too hard. Everything's too hard," Rachel said, blowing smoke out the window, "I'm just not cut out for things that take any effort." Calvin laughed loudly at this and nodded. "I understand that sentiment all too well," he said, "these days I find it harder and harder to do anything that doesn't feel required of me. I can give my all to a project that feels necessary, but the small stuff? Laundry, cooking, having friends? Seems so much harder." "I didn't realize it at the time, but...I kinda need the structure school gave me. I think that was partially why college didn't work, because it was so unstructured. Like, sure I was expected to do the work and show up for classes, but what was the ultimate punishment if I didn't? Nothing, really. Unless you allowed it to get so bad that they flat out dropped you, but even that took some level of effort. I need that rigid structure that general school gives. Apparently I can't be damned to care about anything if nobody is expecting me to do it." "Expectation is both a blessing and a curse then, it sounds like," Calvin said, "when I was married, my wife expected things of me, but they weren't huge things, and I did them not because they were expected but because I wanted to make her happy." "That's sweet," Rachel said, smiling. "But these days, I totally get it. Without that need, I just...I don't care." "...I think I could make it work with someone, if I met the right woman, but...the right woman is never the woman I meet. That's the problem. And it takes so much effort to meet someone you can really see a future with, and that's a whole other set of expectations that I just can't deal with." "What's with the aversion to expectation? I mean, I kinda get it, I just don't-" "I had this agent, when I was in college. He was highly recommended, was said to be very supporting of the artists he promoted, and honestly he didn't seem that bad. But the more I learned about him, particularly from other women he had as clients, the more I realized I couldn't give him what he wanted. He wanted perfect work every time. He wanted a good part of the commission. When I stopped turning in high quality stuff, and when I demanded that I be paid my fair share because I'm the one actually making the art, he got...mean." "What kind of mean?" Calvin asked. "It was at one of the showings, but everyone had left and we were clearing things up, and he tried to...anyway, I was lucky. One of the waitresses there who came back because she'd left some of the catering equipment walked in on his attempt, and helped me stop him. It didn't get far, but the effort was enough. He put effort into that. He planned that. He made sure it happened when we were alone. Effort, ever since then, has just seemed wrong. He expected me to give him what he wanted, and when I wouldn't, he tried to take it anyway." Calvin couldn't believe his ears, his jaw somewhat slack. "And you never told anyone?" he asked. "Why would I? They'd never believe me," Rachel replied, "but let me tell ya, ever since then, I never want anyone to expect anything of me, nor do I want to put any effort into anything. I've seen where both of those can lead you, and I don't wanna go back there." "Well," Calvin said, finishing his coffee and wiping his mouth on his sleeve, "I'll add him to the list of people to blow up then." Rachel laughed at this joke, fully unaware Calvin actually meant it. *** Rachel didn't see Kelly again after that night until the night of the reunion, and judging by Kelly's reaction to her, she'd either forgiven or outright forgotten the last conversation they'd had. When she arrived back upstairs in her apartment that night, Rachel thought about what Calvin had said, about how being alone wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and despite admitting he was right in some regards, she couldn't allow herself to become involved with anyone. Hell, this weird pseudo-friendship she had with him was tough enough to manage. Rachel took a shower, then made something for dinner. As she watched TV while eating, her thoughts turned to Sun Rai. Despite the way she felt, she couldn't deny the fact that she had gone to that reunion solely to see Sun again. She did obviously want to have that human connection, she couldn't deny it, no matter what she might've told Calvin. The fact that she yearned to see Sun said it all. She still had romance within her, even in light of what had happened to her. Rachel finished eating and laid back on the couch, then reached to the end table and picked up the cordless phone. She dialed a number and lifted the receiver to her ear, listening to it ring. "Hello?" Calvin answered. "What're you doing?" Rachel asked. "Just working on a project," he replied. "Can I come over?" Rachel asked, and after a moment of silence that she took as apparent hesitation, he said yes, then gave her his parents address. *** "Nice place," Rachel said upon arriving, making Calvin smile. "Yeah, it has its charm," he said, opening the back gate and letting her follow him, as he added, "I'm surprised you wanted to hang out." "Well, I was just thinking about what we were discussing and I guess you're right, I didn't wanna be completely alone. I only went to that stupid reunion to see someone, and she didn't even show up, so," Rachel said. "Glad to be a fallback," Calvin said, making her smirk as they approached the shed; he opened the door and walked inside, letting her follow him in. Her face took on an immediate change of both intense curiosity and mild confusion. "Are you an engineer or something?" she asked, half laughing. "Naw," Calvin said, "this is just what I've been working on for the last few months." "What...what is this?" Rachel asked, approaching the table and looking down at the device Calvin was building. "It's a bomb," he said. "Really? That's pretty cool," Rachel said, "...why are you building a bomb? Just for kicks?" "Because I'm going to blow someone up." Rachel looked at Calvin, and Calvin looked at Rachel, and after a moment or so, she nodded. "Alright," she said, "So, tell me, who we killing?"
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A group of former high school classmates reunite at their 10 year reunion, and discover they each want something different, many with someone else there. What ensues is a labyrinthian relationship amongst them involving crime, murder, romance and, in one particular case, terrorism. Archives
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