The banging had started again, just like the last few weeks, waking every dog in the neighborhood, cajoling them into fits of barking, filling the night sky with frustrated howls. Melanie groaned, sat up out of bed, put her tiara back into her hair and opened the window, leaning out to see where the noise was coming from. Same place as always...Paul. She crossed her arms on the windowsill and yawned.
"What time is it?" she asked, as Paul stopped his banging and looked up at her. "6:30 in the morning, I didn't wake you, did I?" he asked, and she smiled sweetly, shaking her head. "What're you building anyway?" she asked as Paul continued to hammer. "I'm building an Ark," he replied. "Why?" "Because he told me to." Melanie squinted, a bit confused. She stretched and stood up a bit straighter now, rubbing her eyes. "Who told you to?" Melanie asked. "Do you believe in angels, your highness?" he asked, and she nodded. "I believe in some sort of higher power, some sort of power that guides us along a path of eventual..." Melanie said, stopping and scratching her head as Paul set his hammer down and looked up at her, hands on his hips. "Destruction?" he asked, and she laughed. "No, that's not it," she replied. "Redemption?" "A path of...like, understanding, you know? It'll show us what we're supposed to do, so if this power tells you to build an ark, then you build an ark! It told me to find my kingdom, and that's exactly what I'm going to do! So what's the plan with this ark once it's done?" Melanie asked, checking the clock beside her on the desk. "Well, hopefully it'll be done before the flood," Paul said, picking his hammer back up, "I'll save you a throne, if you wish." "Thank you Paul. I have to go now, I have duties to attend to today," Melanie said, and they waved goodbye to one another. She came back into her bedroom, shut the window and looked around before heading to the closet to get dressed. Melanie picked out her favorite frilly dress, pulled her pointy princess hat from the mannequin head on her dresser and placed it lovingly atop her own, and then put on her little black pumps before finally picking up her purse and heading out the door. Every morning was the same, and she was getting tired of having to take care of herself. She could remember a time when she had servants and castle staff to wait on her hand and foot, and she missed those times, recalling them fondly. Now she was forced to get her own breakfast, mend her own clothes, tend to her own personal cares. This was surely no life for a princess, she assumed. Locking the door behind her, she turned and saw a hispanic man standing there, locking his own door, and she smiled. "It's such a lovely morning, isn't it my subject? Are you moving in?" Melanie asked, and he nodded. "Yeah, I took Mrs. Lieberman's place," he replied. "What happened to Mrs. Lieberman?" Melanie asked, and the man raised his hands, wiggling his fingers. "Noooobody knooows," he said, "actually she just moved out." Melanie sighed and leaned against her door, shutting her eyes, appearing wistful. "One day I too shall leave this dungeon and move back in with my mother and father," she said. "And really, isn't that the dream?" the man asked. "I'm Princess Melanie Irres, it's a pleasure to meet you!" Melanie said, sticking her hand out. The man took it, somewhat hesitantly, and shook it. "Gus Hodges, nice to meet you too," he said, "I'm on my way out to get a drink if you'd like to join me. It's always nicer drinking with someone than drinking alone. My treat." "Drinking? Meade, at this hour?" Melanie asked, "Do you have a drinking problem, Sir Hodges?" "Actually no, I just have other problems and drinking makes those go away," Gus replied, swinging his keyring around on his index finger, "So what do you say, you wanna come? Be the welcome wagon for this new tenant?" "Well, I was going to look for employment, but I suppose I should eat something before heading out for the day. I'd be delighted to join you, Sir Hodges!" And with that, the two of them headed down the hall and into the elevator. Standing there, listening to the elevator music overhead, Gus wanted to know more about this woman. She seemed somewhat off her rocker, but he found that rather enlightening. What's life without a little insanity, after all? Normal was boring. So, he cleared his throat, folded his arms and, leaning back against the wall of the elevator, spoke. "So, you don't work?" he asked. "Oh no, I should be back at the castle, but that's not an option right now, so instead I'm seeking employment out here on my own. I was thinking perhaps something in the Blacksmithing department," Melanie responded. "Or, and this is just a suggestion," Gus said, "Something plausible?" The elevator dinged and came to a full stop, the doors sliding open and allowing Melanie and Gus to exit. As they headed down the main hall in the foyer of the complex and out the front doors, it was there that Gus suddenly realized something...his car, parked on the side of the street, was looking a bit low. As they approached, he knew what the problem was. A flat tire. Gus groaned and ran his hands through his hair. "This is not my week," he mumbled, before pulling out his cell phone and began scrolling on it. "What are you doing?" Mel asked. "I'm looking for a mechanic," Gus said, "I don't know how to change a tire, nor do I have a tire. Least he could maybe patch the damn thing up a bit so I can go over to a discount tire place and pick one up if nothing else." "I'll never understand why you people gave up horse drawn carriages for these steel death traps," Melanie said, running her hands along the car, feeling its coolness on her palms. "We're just crazy that way I guess, don't know what's good for us," Gus replied, "Yeah, hello? Hi, I'm over here on River and Paumper street, it's the Cortez Apartment Complex...I have a flat tire, and I was...yeah? Alright, thank you very much, I'll just wait out here." Gus hung up and slid his phone back into his pocket before turning and looking at Melanie. "How long do you reckon it will take this wizard to come fix your chariot?" Mel asked, and Gus shrugged. "The address said he was only a few blocks away, so hopefully not too long. It's not like it's rush hour or anything," Gus replied, sitting on the hood of the car, feeling Melanie join him a few seconds later. Together they sat there and watched the other cars go by, watched the birds in nearby trees, and just listened to the sounds of the city. "Isn't it a beautiful place to live?" Melanie asked, shutting her eyes, letting the wind breeze across her face. "If you can ignore the police violence and the constant ambulance screeching, I suppose," Gus said as Melanie took her hat off and set it in her lap. She let the wind blow through her hair and Gus smiled a little. It'd been a while since he'd been in the presence of a woman, specifically a woman who didn't expect anything of him or even want anything of him. A woman who just enjoyed being his friend. He really needed a friend right now, and, weird as Melanie was, she was also incredibly easy to get along with and just goofy enough to make him not want to cut his throat. "I used to live in the suburbs, well, sort of, and it's much nicer than down here but...but down here there's also real life. Everything up there is so...manmade. So perfect and fake. I'm not saying I wasn't comfortable, because I was, but this is much more real, you know?" Gus asked. "I understand, the castle was wonderful but it too was almost too perfect at times, and I wanted to experience adventure and excitement, things they say a princess shouldn't want," Melanie said, "but I want them, so I guess that makes me a better princess than most." Gus smirked just as a towtruck came and pulled up in front of them. A man in a plaid shirt and jeans, with short wavy brown hair got out and walked up towards them, smiling as he approached. "Are you Darren?" Gus asked. "That I am," Darren replied, "Is this the car?" "That it is," Gus said, "Sorry to make you come out here on something so...absolutely...pathetic." "Hey man, not everyone learns how to change a tire, nor does everyone have the money to just willingly keep spares around, so you have nothing to be ashamed of," Darren said, kneeling down and inspecting the rubber, "In fact, if I hadn't been a mechanic I'd likely not know how to do this myself, so we're kinda in the same boat in some regard." Gus backed up and let Darren do his thing, while Melanie elbowed Gus and whispered to him. "Gustopher-" she began. "Gustopher?" he replied, confused. "That's him, that's my prince charming," she said, "He rescues people in distress, and he's handsome to boot, what more could one ask for? He's classy and elegant, and all he wants to do is bring help to the people in need!" Gus glanced back at Darren, his asscrack showing a bit from his jeans. "Yeah, a real dreamboat," Gus remarked. "Just you wait and see! He's going to take me away from this mundane life and sweep me back to the castle, lickety split! I guarantee it," Melanie said. Gus didn't push the issue, but come the following morning, he'd almost wished he'd had. *** Gus awoke the next morning to the sound of an alarm blaring in his ear. Unfortunately, when he reached for said alarm, he quickly discovered that it wasn't, in fact, his alarm clock on his phone or watch or any such device. He opened his eyes, letting them slowly adjust to the sunlight streaming into the apartment, and realized he'd fallen asleep on the couch. Gus quickly rose as he suddenly became aware that the alarm was actually his cars alarm. Gus rushed to the window and looked out, spotting Melanie downstairs, standing on his car, beating it with a crowbar. "What the fuck are you doing?!" Gus screamed, and she looked up, waving. "Good morning Sir Hodges!" she exclaimed, "I'm trying to summon the chariot wizard again! He came when your vehicle was damaged, so this seemed like the most logical way to bring him back, of course!" "You didn't even break what he fixed, you broke something entirely different!" Gus shouted. "Well, Sir Hodges, if I did that, wouldn't that just seem a tad suspicious?" Melanie asked, her hands on her hips now, "I mean, let's be rational about this." "Rationality went out the door when you decided to destroy my car!" Gus shouted, as Melanie climbed down and headed inside, presumably coming up to his apartment. Gus quickly pulled a pair of pants from the floor on and went to open his apartment door. Melanie handed him the crowbar as she entered and headed straight for the window. "You should get him back over here now, and please, stick this somewhere," she said. "I tell you where I'd like to stick it," Gus said, looking at the crowbar before going to get his phone. Melanie sat on the couch and waited, kicking her heels excitedly like a child about to see her crush again, as Gus went into the bedroom to make a phone call. He was gone for a solid ten minutes before coming back out and tossing the crowbar on the couch beside her. "Well," he said, "It's his day off, but he said we could come by his house and he'll look at it in his garage, though quite frankly this is more aesthetic damage than actually damaged mechanically, so I doubt there's much he'll be able to do. I hope you're proud of yourself." "I really am," Melanie replied as Gus slipped on his sandals and she bounded off the couch, following him out the apartment and down towards the car. *** Gus and Melanie drove his now beat up car over to the address Darren had given Gus on the phone. They didn't say a single thing the entire way over, and Gus was beginning to question his decision to befriend this woman, who he was starting to believe wasn't just eccentric, but was in fact genuinely unwell psychologically. As they pulled up to the house, they saw the garage door already open, waiting for them. Gus sighed and pulled up in the driveway before parking, unsure if he was supposed to take the car all the way in. "If it takes the rest of my life I swear I'll get back at you for this," he muttered. "You won't live that long, you're not that fit," Melanie said, making Gus look at her, half laughing, half in shock. "Ya know, for a princess, you're kinda nasty," he said, "I like it." Just then the door leading into the garage from the house opened and Darren came out, with a bookish looking woman following him. They seemed to be laughing and holding hands, which made Gus look at Melanie, unsure what her reaction to this new development would be. "Look, he's a family man too, he keeps his sister close!" she said. "I don't think that's his sister," Gus said. Just as he said that, the girl leaned up on her toes and kissed Darren, making him stumble back into his work bench, laughing as he kissed her back. "Let's hope that's not his sister, or this is a really creepy family," Gus added. "Maybe it's a family kiss, perhaps they're just more affectionate than other families," Melanie said, still trying to sound optimistic, until she noted Darren's hands running down to the womans backside and squeezing her closer to him, when she added, "I don't think they're related anymore." "I've never felt a stranger mixture of eroticism and disgust," Gus said quietly. Gus and Melanie got out of the car and headed up the driveway as the woman went back into the house. Darren waved at them as they approached, and then stared at the car behind them. Gus and Melanie looked back at the car with him, and nobody said a word. "Wow," Darren said, "Rough neighborhood." "You don't know the half of it," Gus said, "So what do you think, you think you're capable of fixing that sort of thing?" "I suppose, sure," Darren said. "So...that woman your girlfriend, or?" Gus asked, following as Darren approached the car while Melanie leaned against the workbench back in the garage, looking upset. "Uh, yeah, she just moved in so she's still unpacking and getting settled and stuff," Darren said, "She works over at Tatum Elementary. She's a history major, big history buff, so she's hoping to eventually move up to teaching history at the college level after working in the public schools for a while." "That's pretty cool," Gus said. "Um, I'm gonna need to go get a manual from inside the house, cause this is...this is nasty work," Darren said, "I'll be right back." As Darren turned and headed back inside, Gus walked back into the garage and sat with Melanie. She didn't even flinch at his arrival, thus proving to Gus that she felt a lot worse than he'd anticipated she would. He cleared his throat, pulled his glasses off his face and wiped them down. "How you doin' your highness?" he asked. "This isn't fair, he's MY prince, he's supposed to take me back to my place as the rightful heir to my throne," Melanie said, sounding despondent, "This imposter is clearly a witch who has put him under a love spell." "Well, didn't he say she worked as a teacher? Maybe that means she'll be going to the ren faire that's-" "Ren faire?" "The renaissance faire, it's held yearly up in Northfield? It's a thing where people dress up like, well...you, and they act like it's still medieval times. I go every year, but if she's a teacher, she might be taking her class up to it, which means she'll likely need chaperones. Why not weasel your way into her life via the act of volunteering?" "Gustopher, you're...you're like a...a dark wizard," Melanie said. "That's the coolest thing anyone's ever called me," Gus said sadly, as Darren came back into the garage; Gus cleared his throat and asked, "So hey man, uh, my friend here was wondering if your lady is gonna be taking her class to the Northfield ren faire, and if she could possibly chaperone?" "Uh, I'd...I'd have to talk to her about it but I know she has trouble finding volunteers so it's a likely possibility," Darren said, "What are your qualifications?" "Well, I'm a princess and ruler of my own kingdom," Melanie said, smiling brightly. "So, she's certainly responsible," Darren said, making Gus chuckle before adding, "I'll talk to her about it and get back to you." And with that, the seed had been planted. *** After giving Gus and Melanie a lift home, the two of them went their separate ways for a few hours. Gus had some errands he now had to run without a car, while Melanie had some chores around her apartment she had been meaning to get to. When she arrived to her small little home, she noticed the answering machine was blinking red, and she sighed before heading over to it and pressing "play". A mans voice came on over the speaker. "Mel, it's Shane. You really should pick up, we have to talk. I know you keep changing your number, but please call me back. Miss you," he said. After it ended, Melanie pressed the "erase messages" button and then sat on her bed as her machine told her she now had no new messages. She sighed and laid back before getting back up, taking a shower and then sitting back on her bed in some shorts and a t-shirt. She read for a good while, but it wasn't until Gus came back and walked into her place, unannounced, with a 6 pack of beer that she had forgotten she had a friend now. "Daddy's back and he's brought beer," Gus said, placing the beer on her coffee table as she came out of the bedroom and looked at him. She leaned in the doorway and crossed her arms, her hair up in a messy bun. "Why are you helping me?" she finally asked. "Because you were annoying me," Gus replied, walking into her kitchenette and opening a bag of chips he'd brought with him, "Besides, you seem like you could use a little help, so why not." Just then they heard a loud crash and looked towards the window. "What was that?" Gus asked. "Likely Paul's lumber falling down. He's building an ark," Melanie said as Gus sighed and rubbed his forehead; she continued, "Do you not believe in the lord, Gustopher?" "If I believed in anything, I wouldn't be living here and helping you break a seemingly happy couple up, now would I?" Gus asked, flopping down on her couch, "Besides, you have to have been hurt at some point in life to recognize that believing in things only ever lets you down, right? People leave, people die, and why would something that supposedly should be watching over protecting you let those kinds of things happen?" "...did someone you love die?" Melanie asked, and he shook his head, grasping a handful of chips and shoveling them into his mouth. "No, it was just an example," he said as she sat on the coffee table across from him, looking downtrodden, "...did I upset you? I'm...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. But hey, look at it this way, even if there's no higher power or whatever, your highness, you still got me." Melanie smiled, "You're a wonderful jester," she said. "Jester?! Why can't I be a knight?!" "If you weren't so funny looking, perhaps things would be different," Melanie said, shrugging as she sat down beside him and fought him for control over the chip bag. And the two bickered well into the evening, laughing, plotting, discussing life. It was the first time in a long time either one of them had had a genuine friend in another person, and they both needed the company. Melanie, as she said, needed a jester. And Gus... ...Gus needed a friend. Who cared if she was a princess?
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Royally Screwed follows 24 year old Melanie Irres, an average young woman...who legitimately believes she's a princess. Archives
July 2023
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