"Tell me," Doctor Linquist asked, "How are you feeling today?"
It had been about 4 months since Melanie had come to stay at the mental hospital, and since then, she'd been undergoing therapy regularly with Leah, but she was still required to see a hospital mandated therapist, and that woman was Doctor Helena Linquist. She was a trained specialist in derealization, dissociative and schizoaffective disorders, and to Mel's liking, she was extremely warm and kind. She was older than Leah, in her sixties in fact, which probably was what made her so sweet. She'd been doing this for a long, long time. "I'm okay, I guess," Mel said, shifting in her seat, "I guess I'm a little nervous, cause my friends are supposed to come see me, and it's been a while since some of them have been here, so I am scared of what they'll think of me." "They'll probably think you're doing great," Linquist said, smiling as she jotted something down on her clipboard before putting her pen down and looking back up at Mel, asking, "Are you worried they won't be your friends anymore if you get better?" "What?" "You wouldn't believe how many people who come to get mental help are scared that they're only worth knowing because they're sick," Linquist said, "and that as soon as they're quote unquote 'normal', that that will lessen their friends interests in them, as though their friends were only invested in the amusement they could gain out of their illness. To that, I say, those weren't really their friends if that was what they really liked about them." Melanie took a second, then shook her head, her blonde ponytail swinging behind her. "No, no...I know they're not like that," she said, "If anything, they all so badly wanted me to get better. They'll be happy I'm better. I'm still scared though, cause I've never known how to be me without being...me? Does that make sense?" "More than you could believe," Linquist said, chuckling, "When you spend your life in a delusion, when you never know a true sense of self because your sense of self is warped by said delusion, then yes, it's definitely understandable to be nervous about that. But Melanie, I gotta tell ya, I've worked with a lot of sick people, a lot of people who didn't want to get better, and you're not one of them. You're working with me, and that shows you do want help." Melanie smiled and looked down at her hands. She had to admit, much as she preferred Leah because of their history together, she did like Dr. Linquist. She had this warmth about her that made her feel safe, and Melanie didn't have a great track record with feeling safe with people older than her. "What time are your friends supposed to be here?" Linquist asked, checking her watch. "About 4pm," Mel said. "Well, then we should wrap up, because it's almost 4 now," Linquist said, "You should wash your face, get dressed, all that. Wanna look nice for them, don't you?" Mel smiled and nodded. She had had Gus bring by a handful of clothes that he and Bea had gone and bought at a thrift store. Bea and Mel were about the same size, same height, so she tried everything on. It then had to be checked out by someone at the hospital to make sure it was appropriate attire, and only then could it be given to Melanie. This meant Melanie's current wardrobe was bland and generic, but it was hers, and it wasn't clothes the hospital gave out. She appreciated this. Mel washed up, changed into a pair of brown shorts and a salmon colored button down shirt and then was escorted to the visitors area. As she sat in a chair by the window, nervously picking at her hair, Melanie couldn't help but feel thankful that she had people who cared so much about her, who wanted to visit her. Not everyone here had friends willing to buy them clothes, to come see them, and support them in their efforts to get better. She really did have it pretty good, all things considered. *** "Why are there so many italian foods with different names when they're essentially the same thing?" Gus asked as Bea drove and he sat in the passenger seat, snacking. "What?" she asked, half laughing. "Well, take the calzone and the stromboli for instance. Both these hot pocket-esque creations wherein the food is encased within the wrapping, right? But aside from the shape...they're essentially the same thing right? Why can't we just have one name for all these things?" Gus asked. "Dude, you really know how to talk to girls," Bea said, guffawing as he took another bite. "What can I say, I'm a charmer, the ladies can't resist," Gus said, smirking as he chewed. "Are you nervous?" Bea asked. "Not really, should I be?" Gus asked. Bea shrugged, tilting her head as she said, "I don't think so, but it might be a little weird. I mean, you guys haven't seen eachother in almost 5 months. That's a long time to let a friendship just sort of sit on the backend. Besides, she's likely not gonna be the same Melanie you knew. That could be awkward." "I'll like her for whoever she winds up being," Gus said, "So long as she's doing better, I can adjust to whoever she is." Bea smiled and reached over, taking his free hand and squeezing it gently. She was appreciative to have found such a caring boyfriend, and at a ren faire no less. As they pulled into the parking lot and parked, Gus looked around and didn't see Darren or Emma. He sighed. They were supposed to be coming, but he also knew they'd be very busy as of late. Maybe they'd show up. He gritted his teeth. No. They'd better show up. *** "What about this one?" Emma asked, holding up a nice crystal glass, and Darren shrugged. "I really don't know enough about crystal to make what I feel would be considered an informed decision," he said, and she smiled. "I know, that's why I'm asking. You're the everyman," she said, setting the glass back down and continuing to look at the surrounding shelves in the store. For the last two months, Emma and Darren had been making wedding plans. They had a certain time they were supposed to be at the hospital for their visit with Mel, but Darren didn't wanna rush Emma. Besides, she knew too, and she was not one to miss deadlines or appointments. He just liked seeing her happy and shopping for something that meant so much to her. He smiled watching as she inspected various placemats, napkins and silverware sets. All he ever wanted was to make her happy, and this seemed to be doing the trick. Still, he cleared his throat and stuck his hands in his pockets. "Uh, I hate to interrupt, but I think we should get going," he said. "Right, I know, I'm sorry," Emma said, "This is just all so exciting!" They made their way out of the retailer and into the parking lot outside. Darren climbed into the passenger seat while Emma climbed into the drivers seat and started the car. The only time Darren had seen Mel since she'd been institutionalized was a few weeks after, when he'd brought her a storybook full of fantasy tales and read some to her. He was definitely nervous. To calm his nerves, he looked out the window at the fall colors blooming in the trees and he sighed. "You okay?" Emma asked. "I'm anxious." "I'm sorry, but I figured as much." "I've never had a friend with such mental instabilities before, so this is all kinda new to me," Darren said. "I believe it, but hey, she's getting better, right? She should be, if anything, all the easier to handle now," Emma said, adding as she turned a corner, "besides, I've spent a good while being frustrated at her myself, and I'm finally trying to move past it and instead just...understand and accept her. She put me through the ringer, emotionally, what with getting you stabbed and all, but if I can forgive her for it then anyone can forgive her for anything." "You know that wasn't her fault," Darren said. "Oh, I do, yes," Emma said, "Yeah, that's why I'm able to move on from it. I wanna see her get better too. I think...I can't believe I'm gonna say this but, I think we could actually be friends. I've never had a lot of female friends in my life, but Mel gets me in a weird way nobody else does, and it'd be nice to have a female friend for a change." Darren smiled and patted her on the leg. He was proud of her, because she was right; Mel had put them both through the ringer, and they'd come out the other side stronger if nothing else. He was grateful for her intrusion in their lives. She made it all the more interesting, if nothing else, and that was, admittedly, fun. *** "What are you eating?" Mel asked, squinting at the stromboli in Gus's hand. "It's a stromboli," he said, mouth half full. "It looks like a calzone," she said quietly. "Thank you!" he said, looking at Bea, who just shook her head, chuckling. "So, have either your brother or mother been around lately?" Bea asked, and Mel nodded. "Yeah, they come around twice a week," she said, "It's nice to see mom. Shane's a little stand offish, but he does seem happy for me. Neither of them will go to therapy with me yet though. I think the idea of talking about how they feel makes them uncomfortable. Ya know, it's funny, for the one who went 'crazy', I seem to be the more well adjusted one who's in tune with their feelings. I was so in tune with my grief and loss that I created a whole fantasy world based around it." "Based around running away from it," Gus said, catching Bea off guard with his sternness, but Mel just nodded. "Yeah, okay, but that's still at least dealing with it. Unlike mom and Shane, who just...ignore it," Mel said, letting her ponytail down and twirling her hair around her finger as she chewed her lip and said, "but, ya know, they've dealt with it in their own ways, I guess. At least mom has. I don't know what Shane has ever done about his feelings regarding dad." "You know, when I was little, my dads sister died in a car wreck, and he just ignored it for so long. Finally, when I graduated and was getting ready to go to college, he broke down cause he didn't wanna be left again. He bottled things up so deeply that it took me going to further my education to get him to finally crack. Some people are just really good at ignoring things, but they do eventually come back up, and sometimes not in the prettiest ways," Bea said, "Just something to think about." Mel nodded. Bea was right. If she had dealt with her dads death the way she had for so long - and come out the way she had as a result - she could only imagine what Shane was going through. Coping mechanisms, she'd learned, weren't always healthy. In fact, more often than not they weren't healthy at all. Gus reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small booklet. "Here, by the way, I got these for you when we were at the grocery," he said, tossing the booklet across the table at her and saying, "they're shiny princess stickers. I don't know if they let you have things here, but stick 'em under your mattress and decorate your room with 'em." "Wow, thanks," Mel said, picking them up and smiling at them, "Did you also bring me a file hidden in a cake?" "I tried, but I ate the cake on the way here, so," Gus said, making them all laugh. Mel was so happy to see her best friend, and realized that, the more things changed...the more they stayed the same. After Gus and Bea left, Mel waited patiently in the room for Darren and Emma to arrive. As she flipped through the little stickerbook, she smiled at the imagery. She might be more an adult these days, but that little girl hidden inside her was never too far away, and sometimes all it took to bring her back out was cute glittery stickers. Eventually the door opened and Darren and Emma entered. Mel stood up and ran to them and, to their surprise, hugged Emma first. Emma patted her on the back and laughed nervously. "Hi!" Emma said, "Geez, I didn't expect a welcome like that, I have to admit!" "It's just so good to see you guys," Mel said, pulling away and hugging Darren now as she added, "it makes it feel like things haven't changed much after all. Come on, come walk with me in the garden!" Mel led them through the back doors that opened to the outdoor garden. Emma was surprised by how pretty and lush it was and felt a sudden jealousy that she wasn't spending time in a place so pretty and well landscaped. "They recommend we take walks often," Mel said, "they say it helps clear our heads and keep the fantasies out." "Are you on medication?" Darren asked, and she nodded. "A few, yes," Mel said, "and I'm taking them every day. The world seems...less bright on them, though. I don't really know how to explain it without sound like I'm romanticizing mental illness, but...I feel like the world was more fun and interesting when I was losing my mind. I know that isn't safe, and I know that this is better for me, but does that make sense?" "Sure," Emma said, "Absolutely. When you become accustomed to a reality - genuinely real or not - any change to that perception is jarring and often times upsetting. You mourn the life you thought you had while trying to live this new scary life." "Exactly," Mel said. "Hey, is there a bathroom here?" Darren asked, "I'd just pee on one of these plants but I'm sure they'd frown on that." The girls laughed and Mel told him where the nearest bathroom was. Darren excused himself, saying he'd be back in a minute, while the girls found a beautiful marble bench and sat themselves on it. They listened to the wind gently blowing through the plant life, and Emma opened her mouth to speak when Melanie interrupted her. "I'm so sorry," Mel said, "I...I almost ruined your lives, and I'm so sorry. I didn't do it on purpose, I really believed in the things I was saying and doing, but...that doesn't make it okay and I still have to take responsibility for my actions, especially since they impacted you guys so severely." "I know it wasn't on purpose, and I know that you believed in your fantasies," Emma said, taking Mel's hand and softly squeezing it as she said, "I'm sorry too, for the way I behaved at times. It was reckless and inconsiderate and I...I was scared of losing Darren because I've never really had good relationships, or many men interested in me to begin with, and the thought of losing Darren terrified me." "Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore," Mel said quietly, "I...I don't think I'm...interested in men." Emma's brows raised at this admittance. "Really?" she asked, sounding surprised, "Uh, wow. Well then why-" "Because I thought that eventually a prince charming would come along in my fantasy world and rescue me, take the place my father left in my life. That's what all these princess stories do, is have the girl eventually saved by a handsome prince. Only once I broke free of that thinking did I realize that I might actually want princess charming instead." Emma threw her head back and cackled, which made Mel laugh a little. "I'm sorry, I...I'm not laughing at you, I just...that was funny," Emma said, "I'm happy for you, Melanie. It takes a lot of strength and courage to live your truth like that. I don't think I'd be capable of being out if I were queer, so you have my upmost support." "Thanks," Mel said softly, "I haven't talked to my family about it yet, but I can't imagine they'd be unsupportive of that after indulging the fantasies they did for so long." "Fair." "...is Darren angry at me?" Mel asked, surprising Emma who giggled and shook her head. "God no, no, he's...he's just all over the place. It's been a weird year for him. Between being stabbed, getting engaged and your institutionalization, it's been hard for him to adjust to everything. Before you, our lives were dull and ordinary. You changed all that, and rest assured, for the better." Mel smiled and laid her head on Emma's shoulder, as Emma softly stroked her hair. If what Mel wanted out of Emma and Darren was a parental situation, then Emma could deal with that. After all, everyone deserves parents. *** Gus was sitting on the steps of the front of the apartment complex, sipping from a bottle of tea when Bea walked out and sat beside him, opening a bag of jerky and sharing it with him. They sat in silence for a brief while, drinking and chewing, relaying the day in their head. After a bit, Gus sighed and spoke. "It's so quiet without her here," Gus said, "She fought so hard to be my friend, to worm her way into my life, and I was so hesitant, and now I can't imagine why. Why'd I fight it so hard? I know I was upset and damaged from my life falling apart, so I was somewhat scared to get close to someone else, but...when someone tries that hard to get to know you, maybe it's worth letting them." "Unless they're a stalker," Bea said, making him laugh. "I can't wait until she gets out and comes home," Gus said, "It's so empty without her around. She looked good, but she also seemed so...sad. In a different kind of way too, not the kind of sad I've known her to be." "Well, I guess it's up to us to cheer her up regularly then," Bea said, smacking him in the chest and whistling, "Come on, let's go upstairs and bone." "Romantic," Gus said, half laughing as he got up and followed her. As they went down the hall and approached his apartment, he watched Bea get through the door and start to tug her shirt up. He stopped and turned around, looking at Mel's door across from him and sighing. All he wanted to do was protect the women in his life; be it Bea, his ex-wife, his daughter or his best friend, and he seemed to be incapable of doing such a thing. He shook his head, trying to get those intrusive thoughts out and think about Bea waiting for him in bed, but he couldn't forget the look on Mel's face today. She looked so empty, yet so...ordinary, and for the first time he found himself questioning what Mel herself had asked...was reality worth the effort if it made you that unhappy? She couldn't have continued the way she was going, she was out of control, even he recognized that, but... ...maybe fantasy was more than a genre after all. He stepped inside his apartment and shut the door. *** Mel was lying on her bed in her room, looking through her new stickerbook and thinking back on the days visitors. As she flipped a page, she heard a tapping on the window that looked in through her door and she looked up to see a woman about her age looking through the glass. The woman smiled and waved energetically at her, before being walked away by an orderly. Mel just shrugged and laid her head back down on her pillow, hugging the stickerbook to her chest. Meanwhile, Emma was lying on her side in bed while Darren was getting into pajamas and going into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He stepped into the doorframe between the bedroom and attached bathroom and brushed as he looked at Emma. "You okay?" he asked, and she shrugged. "I didn't wanna be a mom," Emma said, "and now I...I guess I am, in a way, a mom." "Are you upset about that?" Darren asked, leaning back into the bathroom and spitting into the sink. "...actually no. I'm not saying I want my own children, but...if this brings her some kind of comfort then why shouldn't I do that? The world is so cruel and mean already, and people like Mel need support and help and understanding. What kind of monster could turn that away? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did." Darren switched the light off, then walked around the side of the bed and climbed in, leaning over and kissing her neck. "I love you," he whispered, and she blushed. "I love you too," she said softly, taking one of his arms and wrapping it around her waist. Darren fell asleep fairly quickly, but Emma laid awake for a while. After a while, she got out of bed and slipped into the kitchen. She picked up the phone and dialed a number as she seated herself at the kitchen table. After a few rings, Shane answered. "Hello?" he asked. "You sound up," Emma said. "I'm very up, I'm watching a horror movie marathon," Shane said, "You okay?" "I'm...can we meet?" she asked. *** Emma and Shane found themselves sitting in a nearby diner sipping coffee and sharing a plate of french fries. Neither one had talked since they'd arrived, and it'd been almost a half hour now. Emma, honestly, appreciated the silence. She always felt like she had to make conversation with Darren, and with Shane she could just sit and not say a single thing, and she felt that intimacy was so much more appealing. "How's the engagement going?" Shane asked. "It's nice. It's nice to have something to look forward to," Emma said, "Plus I love looking at all the decorations and whatnot. But I'd be lying if I didn't say it made me scared, cause eventually it's gonna be a real social thing I'm gonna have to endure." "That's a nice way to describe your wedding," Shane said, chuckling as he lifted his coffee mug to his lips. "I saw your sister today," Emma said, "We went and visited the hospital. She was doing really well. I think...I think she sees Darren and I as sort of pseudo parents to her, and I think I'm okay with that. I'm pretty okay with everything right now." "If that's true, what am I doing here?" Shane asked. "...it's just nice to be listened to," Emma said, making him smile. "Well, talk away. I've spent my life listening to womens problems. I got room for one more." Emma smiled back and started talking. Talking about the wedding preparations, about her visit with Melanie (sans her sexual admittance, as she didn't want to out her) and about her growing acceptance as a sort of mother figure to Mel. The whole time, Shane sat there and listened, never putting a word in edge wise, instead just hearing her speak. The way Shane saw it, the world never listened to women. He decided a long time ago that that wasn't fair, and he'd made it his mission to hear them, no matter what it was they had to say. But he'd failed, deep down he felt, because he'd somehow failed to hear Melanie when she needed to be heard the most.
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Royally Screwed follows 24 year old Melanie Irres, an average young woman...who legitimately believes she's a princess. Archives
July 2023
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