Melanie hadn't expected to be spending her free time with Darren's girlfriend, especially while she worked, but once he'd learned about her job search and offered to set her up as Emma's teaching assistant, there was no way she could say no. She was trying to win him over, after all, so being flexible and easy to work with seemed to be the best way to make a good first impression, she figured. But now, sitting here at the picnic table, watching Emma's students play outside, Melanie was reminded just how little she actually enjoyed children.
"Don't you just love the sound of childrens laughter?" Emma asked, her hands in her lap, her face bright with the happiness her job brought to her. "Not particularly, no, I find it quite irritating, actually," Melanie replied. "Well I love it," Emma remarked. "Almost like a car alarm, or a...a...hot pepper," Melanie continued, paying Emma no attention. "Children are just so full of life, it just...it makes you feel good to be around them. I want children one day," Emma added, waving at a couple of her students as they raced by chasing a ball. "Or like some kind of hybrid car alarm that somehow mated with a hot pepper, and now when the alarm sounds, you not only get burned but you also go deaf," Melanie finished, now totally lost in her train of thought. "Watch the kids, I have to use the restroom," Emma said, standing up and walking away, leaving Melanie alone. Sitting there, watching the kids play, Melanie wasn't at all reminded of her own childhood, mostly because she barely could recall most of it as it was. As she stared blankly off into space, a few kids wandered up to her, catching her attention. "Yes?" she asked. "Are you gonna be our new teacher?" one boy asked, and Melanie laughed. "Lord no, I'm just your teachers assistant, even though I easily could be your new teacher, as I know just as much about history as she does. I grew up in a castle after all, I know all there is to know about lords and kings and medieval times." "Tell us about George Washington," another boy asked, and Melanie stumbled on her words, quickly realizing she didn't know as much as she thought she did. If she truly was going to become Darren's new love, and replace Emma altogether, she figured she would have to learn all she could, and quickly. *** Gus opened his apartment door after a solid few minutes of nonstop knocking, only to find Melanie standing there. "Here we go," Gus said under his breath, as she pushed her way inside. "I need your help! I need you to teach me all there is to know about history, and pronto!" she exclaimed. "I don't know jack shit about history," Gus replied, turning around, hands on his hips as he watched her pace across his apartment floor. "Well we need to learn, because I told the kids Emma teaches that I'm far superior in my knowledge of history than she is, and they asked me about George Washington and I told them that he lived in England and poisoned 3 women and was therefore executed for his horrendous crimes!" Gus stared at Melanie blankly, before rubbing his face, groaning. "That's George Chapman, and he was a serial killer," he mumbled. "Politician, serial killer, what's the difference," Melanie said, throwing her arms up in the air. "Well, fair argument, sure." "The point is, they told me that I was wrong, which means that we must now go to..." Melanie trailed off as she approached Gus, grasping him by the shoulders, her voice lowering to a whisper, "...the keeper of the knowledge." "You mean the library?" Gus asked, Melanie nodding in response. So, Gus and Melanie got their coats and headed downstairs to Gus's new rental car, which he started up and drove them off to the library in. Once there, Gus helped Melanie gather a number of history textbooks, despite them being somewhat older and not as up to date as the ones used in schools currently, and, thanks to Melanie's insistence, a copy of "The Precious Little Puppy" because, as she so aptly put it, "there's an adorable dog in it." Gus could not argue with this. But once back at his apartment, the two quickly found themselves spiraling into despair, as Melanie's attention span seemed to wax and wane, being unable to focus for more than any particular period of time to learn something, thusly frustrating Gus. Melanie now was lying on the couch, a history book over her face, muffling her voice, as Gus paced, reading from a different history book. "This isn't working," Melanie whined, "I'm a visual learner, you need to make this interesting! Oh! I know!" Melanie jumped upright, almost joyous, "How about a puppet show!? We used to have them in the castle for my birthday all the time! They're magical, it's a show put on just for you, and it makes you feel special!" Melanie quickly leapt to her feet and began grabbing a handful of socks off the floor, shoving them into Gus's arms. He looked at this sock lump and furrowed his brow, digging through it until he found two in particular he liked. He pulled them up over his arms, then ducked down below the coffee table and propped his elbows on the top, as Melanie seated herself, giddily, back on the couch to watch. "Presenting the Giggles and Noodles Happy Puppet History Hour!" Gus exclaimed, in an over the top high voice, before turning one puppet towards the other, "Hey Giggles, I need to learn stuff really quickly because I have a history test tomorrow!", Gus then opened the other socks mouth, stating, "Well it just so happens, Noodles, that I know a lot about history! For instance, did you know that-" "Gus, I...I didn't think it was possible to suck at puppet shows, but, damn it all, you proved me wrong," Melanie said, resting her chin on her hand, looking extremely bored. Gus turned one of the socks towards her, and spoke in character, "Well, you could learn a thing or two from Gus, young lady, he knows what he's talking about!" "Oh come off it, Gus doesn't know anything, he admitted that himself," Melanie said, sitting up, looking annoyed. "Actually Gus knows a lot! You just never want to listen to him!" Gus continued, via sock puppet. "That's because he is an idiot," Melanie retorted. "Maybe you're the idiot," Gus replied, still via sock puppet, thus making Melanie stand up, looking angry. "Who do you think you're talking to, sock?! I am a princess, thank you very much!" "Yeah, princess of the idiots, maybe," Gus continued, via sock puppet. "I don't have to sit here and take this sort of abuse from a polycotton blend, screw you Noodles, go to hell!" Melanie shouted, standing up fully and storming out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her. Gus finally came up from the floor, looking somewhat upset, before looking at his two sock puppets. "You guys wanna order a pizza?" he asked them, making them nod their heads in response. *** Emma was standing in the kitchen, doing dishes, while Darren chopped some things up for dinner. The water sloshing over her hands as she washed the plates squeaky clean, the sound of water in a pot on the stove bubbling, this was all Darren had ever wanted with her, and now he had it, and was happy as hell about it. But Emma had other things on her mind. She finally turned the water off and turned towards Darren, leaning against the sink. "Why did you hire that girl to help me?" she asked. "Because she seems unstable, and she needed a job," Darren said, "I just thought it was nice to do." "Sure, sure, I get that, I just...I don't need a teaching assistant, first of all, not only because I'm the best at what I do but also because it's elementary school and not a high end course in college where her help might actually be appreciated and necessary. Now she's claiming she knows more than I do, stating she could run my class," Emma said, starting to grip the sink in anger, "Why do the kids seem to like her more? Is she prettier than me?" "Of course not, come on," Darren said, slicing into a tomato. "You're my boyfriend, you have to say that." "No I don't," Darren replied, laughing. "Well she's not smarter than me, that's for sure, at least not about history. Is she just more overall likeable? Approachable? Is that it? Is that the problem? Am I...scary, or something?" Emma asked, now sounding genuinely upset. "Scary's a strong word," Darren said, setting his knife down, wiping his hands on his jeans and turning to face her, crossing his arms, "I think maybe she just feels more like a mom to kids than you do. She has a weird sort of comforting warmth to her. She kind of feels like a mom, you know?" "And I don't? What do I feel like?" Emma asked. "Uh..." "Darren?" "There's no way this ends well for me, is there?" "What do I feel like?" "You're more like the distant aunt who went through a rough divorce," Darren said, "But don't get me wrong, I find that much more attractive!" "You're right, there was no way this ends well for you," Emma responded, starting to go back to washing dishes. "You wanted me to tell you!" Darren exclaimed. "So you lie! That's what a relationship is all about!" "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a worse boyfriend from now on!" Darren said. "Good, see that you do!" Emma replied, as they both went back to their tasks, both smirking to themselves, knowing moments like these really were why they worked so well together. *** Melanie was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling, when Gus entered her bedroom. She rolled onto her side, away from him, towards the wall, as he approached the bed and took a seat. He sighed and rubbed his forehead, scratching his hair. "Look, I...I'm sorry," Gus said, "I don't...I've never really had a friend, exactly, so I'm not the best at helping people, because it's not something that's ever really been expected of me. But...but I shouldn't have been so mean. That wasn't cool of me. I know this is important to you, but I also think you need to think about how it feels to Emma." Melanie sat back up now, looking at him sternly, noticing one sock still on his arm. "You're still wearing that stupid thing?" she asked. "Don't talk about Noodles that way," Gus said softly, pretending to cover the socks ears with his other hand, making Melanie chuckle, as he continued, "You threatened to take away the one thing she really cares about, her job and her work with kids, her connection with her students...I mean, just...just think about how you'd feel if you lost the most important thing in your life, you know?" Melanie opened her mouth to make a counter argument, before noticing a man in a suit standing in the doorway behind Gus. Gus turned to look at whatever she saw, but there was nobody there. He turned back to Melanie, his brow furrowed, looking somewhat concerned. "Mel?" he asked, "Your highness?" "You're right," she said quietly, "You're...you're right." Just then her phone rang, and she looked at the caller ID. "It's Emma," she said. "I think you should answer," Gus replied, smiling, patting her leg. *** Melanie was understandably wary of agreeing to meet Emma in the small diner she'd asked to meet at that evening, but she decided to go ahead and do it anyway. She figured the least she could do was maybe apologize for her behavior, and hope that Emma and Darren wouldn't "fire" her, not that she'd ever actually been properly "hired" in the first place, and was more just a guest in the classroom than anything. But when Mel got to the diner, she spotted Emma already there, seated in a booth, sipping a cup of coffee. Melanie walked over there and sat down across from her, not making eye contact. "Melanie," Emma started, "I wanted to meet with you because-" "I'm sorry," Melanie started, trying not to cry, "I...I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I tried to take the most important thing in your life to you away, I had absolutely no right to do that. You're a good teacher, and a good person, and I'm just some weirdo your boyfriend feels sorry for." "...Melanie, it's okay, I wanted to-" "Nobody should lose the most important thing in their life," Melanie continued, interrupting her, "I know what that's like." Emma smiled, and put her hand on the table, letting Melanie hold it, comforting her. "Do you want some pie?" Emma asked, "Let me order some pie." *** "Am I smart?" Emma asked, lying in bed that night while Darren read a book. "For the millionth time today, yes, it's what initially attracted me to you," Darren said. "But I'm more than just smart, right?" Emma asked, "I worry sometimes that that's my sole defining characteristic. I feel so one dimensional, like this is all that I am, a pathetic little school teacher who lives a boring mundane life and-" "When I was a kid," Darren said, putting his book down and interrupting her. "Hey, I was complaining." "I know," Darren continued, "Shut up for a minute and listen to me. When I was a kid, my father, who was not a great guy for the record, took me to some ball games now and then. At one of these games, he pointed at a man collecting bats, and he told me 'Darren, that mans entire purpose in life is to pick up other peoples shit', and while I'm almost certain he meant it derogatorily, in a 'don't waste your life like that guy' sort of way, I took it more as an example of not letting what I do for a living define who I am as a person. Just because you teach for a living, don't let your career for a second make you think that you're boring, because you're not." "I'm not?" Emma asked, smiling. "When we met, you were a roadie for a rock band. You were a wholly different person in every single way, except for one...you knew who you were, and who you wanted to be. You didn't let the simple fact that you hauled equipment around define you, and you always were telling me that just because you carry stuff for other musicians doesn't mean you aren't musically inclined yourself. That one day you too would be interested in making music. You're cool, Emma, you're cool and smart, and honestly just because you live a more domesticated lifestyle these days doesn't erase those facets of your personality. If anything, it only empowers them more." Emma smirked and kissed him, snuggling up to him. "You said you were gonna be a worse boyfriend, you know," she said, "You're always going back on your word." "Don't worry, I'll have an affair this week," Darren replied, the both of them laughing as he continued reading his book and holding her. *** One distinct memory Melanie did have was the funeral. She was about 7 years old, seated in a pew all alone staring at the casket at the front of the church, when a man approached her from behind and took a seat beside her, holding her hand, though she barely noticed. After a moment, she glanced up at him and managed a weak smile. "Hi Uncle Burt," she eeked out softly. "How you doin', kiddo? You okay?" he asked. "I'm sad." Burt put his arm around her and pulled her close, kissing the top of her head. "Sometimes reality is hard to accept, and it makes us sad. Sometimes it's so much, that it makes you have to take a break and back away from it all. Step away from everything, to maybe finally feel sort of happy again, you understand? You like fairytales, right?" he asked, and she nodded, so he continued, "Alright, so wouldn't you prefer to live in a world like that than the one we have now? That's what I'm saying. We'd all love to do that, escape into our fantasies, but eventually we have to face what's happened. We have to come back to reality. Otherwise we're not really living." Neither one spoke for a bit, until Melanie pushed her little tear stained faced into his side and hugged him tightly. "I miss him," she cried, and he stroked her hair. "I know you do, sweetheart. We all do," he said.
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Royally Screwed follows 24 year old Melanie Irres, an average young woman...who legitimately believes she's a princess. Archives
July 2023
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