Emma was standing in front of her bathroom mirror, looking at herself. She wanted to cry, but she was also afraid her makeup would run if she did, and then her parents would be annoyed with her for making them run late for services. Instead, she bit her lip and left the bathroom, headed down the stairs and climbed into the car to stay out of the rain. A few minutes later, her parents joined her, and together they drove to the cemetery for her sisters funeral.
Now, standing in front of her bathroom mirror once again as an adult, Emma found she wanted to cry. But this time, she wasn't going to be berated for doing so, so she did. She put her hands on the bathroom counter and she cried. She'd fix her makeup afterwards and if she were a few minutes late, nobody would care. She let herself sob hard, sob deeply, mourning a man she'd only known for a few months. She finally looked back at herself in the mirror, took a long deep breath, then started reapplying her makeup. After a few minutes, Darren entered the bathroom, leaning on his cane as he looked at Emma. He reached out and touched her shoulders, making her smile weakly. He said something, but she was so deep in thought that she couldn't make out his words. She just nodded. Meanwhile, Melanie was sitting in her room at the institution, staring at her shoes. She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted to whither away and vanish. Finally the door opened and she looked towards it to see Bea and Gus standing there. Melanie stood up and Bea entered, putting her arms around her, squeezing her tightly, finally making Melanie break and start to cry. After their hug broke, Melanie felt Gus wrap his arms around her and squeeze warmly. He put his lips to her ear and whispered. "I'm so sorry your highness," he said, which made her smile. Gus and Bea drove Melanie to the cemetery, knowing her mother would be arriving by herself, as she'd requested them to pick up Melanie. In the ride over, the rain falling hard on the car windows, Melanie couldn't help but think about what had happened that night in Gus's apartment. She shut her eyes and cried silently again. Emma and Darren were still driving there as well, as Emma also watched the rain outside. "It always rains on funerals," Emma said. "What?" Darren asked, half laughing. "It always rains on funerals," Emma repeated, "Every funeral I've ever been to, it's inexplicably rained, as if its reserved for these very specific occasions. It's weird, that's all." "Huh," Darren said, "I guess you're right. I've never really thought about it, but you're right, now that I look back at my life, it has always rained on funerals. That's...bizarre. God I hope Melanie is going to be okay. We haven't seen her since it happened, and I can only hope that she's stable enough mentally now to cope with this sort of loss. I mean, we know how her fathers death impacted her, I can only imagine-" "Stop talking Darren," Emma said, to which he did. *** Karen was, unbeknownst to the others, actually already at the cemetery, sitting in the temple, looking at the casket. She sighed, checked her watch, then stood up. She approached the casket, closed, her shoes making an echoing sound throughout the empty temple. As she reached the casket, she reached out and touched the casket lid, and a smile immediately broke out on her lips, but she couldn't understand why. "I'm so sorry Shane," she whispered, "I wish I could've seen you before this happened. I wish...I wish I could've given you a better childhood, or a better family, or a better mother in particular, but I did the best I could in spite of what we went through. You were the best son I could've ever hoped for, and your father loved you, even if he showed it the way he showed it with Mel. But trust me, he loved you." She sighed and looked around the temple, smiling. "It's beautiful," she said, "The temple, I mean. I think you'd like it. You always had a soft spot for religious iconography." She ran her hand down the casket and her smile faded slightly. "You were the last Irres," she said, "The last male anyway. The line is dead now. God. An entire bloodline dead within a few decades. It doesn't seem fair, does it, Shane? You were also the only male McMeyers, so there'll be no more of those either. Your father and myself will both be responsible for ending our lineage. Ironic." The door opened and a Rabbi entered. He walked up to Karen and smiled warmly at her as she turned to see him. "Hello," she said. "Are we almost ready?" he asked. "Everyone should be here soon," she said, "...Rabbi, can I ask you a question?" "Certainly." "Suppose someone didn't go to temple regularly, suppose they didn't consider themselves particularly religious in the slightest...they still go to Heaven, right?" "God welcomes all with open arms," the Rabbi said, reaching out and rubbing Karen's arm gently, adding, "He doesn't judge us for our choices. He gave us free will after all. If he wanted us to be fearful, he wouldn't have let us do whatever we wanted. He would've made certain we all believed. And giving us free will certainly wasn't a litmus test, a sort of 'well, the real believers will find their way back to me and those will be the ones I reward' because why would he claim to love us all if only to damn some of us outright from the offset? Your son has a place in this universe, Mrs Irres, believe me." "Thank you, Rabbi," Karen said, watching him turn and leave as she looked back at the casket and smiled again. Shane had a place in the universe. He always did, even when he felt like he didn't. Karen started to cry. Her son was dead, and her family was smaller. This gaping hole left behind by the loss of her husband had only grown larger now, and she was unsure if anything would ever fill it. *** "I love cemeteries," Bea said as they parked and climbed out of the car. "You would, you fucking goth," Gus said, making her laugh. "No, really, they have such a lovely calm atmosphere that you just can't find anywhere else," Bea said, "It's like a spookier botanical garden. A botanical garden full of dead people." "You really know how to brighten up a day," Gus said as they looked back at the car, realizing Melanie hadn't gotten out yet. Bea looked at Gus, then headed back to the car and leaned in, pulling the front passenger seat up so she could see Mel in the back clearly. "You okay?" she asked. "If I go out there, if I attend this, he's gone," Mel said quietly, "It's real. If I acknowledge it, it's real." "It is real, Mel, acknowledgement isn't necessary to reality. Things happen whether you believe them to or not. But you have Gus, you have Emma and Darren, plus your mom is already here it seems. We'll be with you, you know that. You don't have to go alone." Mel looked at Bea, who smiled at her and touched her face. "We're your friends, sweetheart," she said, "we're not gonna let you deal with this alone, okay? Come on, come inside." Bea exited the car and, taking Melanie by the hand, led her out into the parking lot. Melanie hadn't been to a cemetery in a while, it felt like, not since she'd shown Gus her fathers grave. She hated cemeteries. She hated the idea of death and non existence. She hated that she didn't have a brother anymore, thanks to the insecurity of one man. This wasn't fair. Melanie started walking through the yard, past the headstones, and eventually stopped at a moss covered bench, seating herself. "I just...I need a minute, I'll come in, I just need a minute," she said. "You take as much time as you need, okay," Gus said, he and Bea heading in without her. Melanie sat there for a while, listening to the wind howl, and feeling the light rain hitting her face and her hair. She was playing with the lace on her dress sleeves when she heard someone sit beside her and looked over to see Emma. Emma was holding an umbrella, covering them both, but neither woman spoke, not immediately anyway. Melanie looked around, but didn't see Darren. "He's inside," Emma said, "I told him to go in without me." "Why?" "So I could talk to you," Emma said. A long moment passed, full of silence, until Emma spoke again. "I loved your brother," she finally said, "I...I started to have feelings for him, but he rebuffed me, as he should've, and reminded me how lucky I already am to have someone like Darren. Darren and I have our problems, but they're not insurmountable. We can overcome them if we just work together, because that's what a relationship is, it's effort. You wanna be with someone so badly that you'll do whatever it takes, to an extent of course. Your brother, though...he understood me in a way Darren never will." "Shane was like that," Melanie said, pushing some of her silky blonde hair behind her ear and sighing, "He...he just kinda got people automatically, even within minutes of meeting them. He was always there to hear you, to help you...god, listen to me, I'm eulogizing him outside of the temple." Emma chuckled and rubbed her hand up and down Melanie's back. "...I hope he knew how appreciated he was," Mel said, "I hope...I hope he knew that we loved him. That I loved him. That I was really sorry for making him throw away his adolescence so he could protect me. That I regret making his life more difficult than it should've been, all because I got stuck with my fathers sisters mental problems." "No, he wouldn't an apology," Emma said, shaking her head and taking Mel's hand in her own, rubbing it, "He loved you for who you were, and if you'd been different, he'd have loved that version of you. He loved you, for you, Mel, because you were his sister. Mental instability or not, he loved you. The last thing he'd ever want is for you to be sorry for yourself to him." Melanie nodded, smiling weakly. "Come on," Emma said, "Let's go inside and-" Melanie suddenly threw her arms around Emma and started sobbing, taking her by surprise. After regaining her sense of surroundings, Emma just held Melanie, rubbing her back and stroking her hair. "You cry as long as you need to, it's okay," she said, "I'm here." *** "Shane was my first child," Karen said, standing in front of the casket in the temple, staring out at the select few who had come to pay their respects; she took a deep breath, blinked a few times and then continued, "and to lose a first child is...hard. To know that they won't see the things you saw, live the life you lived. Shane never got married. Shane never had a kid. He kept his private life exclusive to himself as he got older, and I don't blame him for that, but...to know that he won't leave anyone behind but his family...it makes you wonder about what our purpose even is here." She looked across the crowd and noticed Melanie, sitting next to Emma, who had her arm around her. Karen smiled. "He struggled, after my husband died, but he struggled internally. He felt it was his duty to take care of his little sister, be the man to her that their father now couldn't. That was too much pressure for a young boy but...he did it to himself, I never asked him to. I asked him for help, but nothing to the extent that he wound up giving. I think he couldn't stand the thought of a family being torn apart, so he did everything in his power possible to keep it from happening more than it already had. Chris and I...were...not the kind of people who should've been married. We're not the kind of people who should've had kids. Especially not with eachother. We had too many differences, too many problems, but we did, and we made a concerted effort to give them the love and support our own families failed to give us. Chris went above and beyond, and that's where Shane got his strength from, I think, because he did the same thing." Karen looked down at her hands and sighed, shaking her head. "And even in the last moments of his life, how did he spend them? Saving someone else, someone he barely knew," Karen said, "Friends of my daughter, of his sister. My only regret with Shane's death isn't that he's dead, because I knew he'd die eventually, we all do. My regret is that I didn't get to see him live. Truly live. Live as he was, as he wanted to be, as he could've been. Live as the man his father tried to be." She started crying quietly, and excused herself as she turned back to the casket and put her hands on it, exhaling. "I love you baby," she said, "Momma loves you." Nobody moved, so Darren finally stood up and approached, taking Karen by the arm and gently leading her back to the pews where she seated herself. Melanie exhaled, knowing it was her chance to speak if she wanted to. She stood up, then looked at Emma. "Come with me," she whispered, and Emma nodded, standing up and walking to the front with Melanie, standing by her side for support. Melanie tapped the microphone on the podium and exhaled again, looking out at the crowd the way her mother had. "I just realized something, looking at everyone here," she said, "Nobody who's here actually knew him. Nobody in attendance for my brothers funeral was actually a friend of my brothers. Emma here kind of knew him, but the rest of you...the rest of you barely even met him. His life was so private, so distant from ours, that nobody he knew even showed up. I can't imagine being that alone. Not anymore. Not now that I've gained a support system. Shane was my support system for so long, and I...I think I'll rest easier knowing he'll rest easier knowing that I'm cared for. When we were kids, he followed me to and from school to make sure nobody hurt me. When I moved out, he made sure to have every address I ever stayed at. When I finally lost my shit, he made sure to come to therapy and talk with me." Melanie started crying, but she bit her lip and soldiered on, feeling Emma's hand on her back. "I loved my brother so much," she whispered, "and I just hope he knew that, because I don't think I said it enough. You think you do, you think you say it enough, but trust me you don't. You don't. And when the time comes when you finally can't...that's when it dawns on you how many times you could've but didn't. We get caught up in our lives, in the unnecessary drama and the day to day tedium that we think means so much but it doesn't mean anything compared to the people we know. We don't put enough stock in our relationships, and that's where we lose the most." Mel turned and looked at the casket. "I'm gonna keep getting better so that my brother would never have to worry about me again," she said, "Because he deserves to finally have some peace and relaxation after all the effort he gave me. It's only fair." Mel approached the casket and, putting her hands on it, smiled, tears rolling down her face. "I love you, Shane," she said quietly, almost to herself, "Say hi to dad." Emma, as Darren had done with Karen, walked Melanie back to her seat, then approached the podium herself, much to everyones surprise. She cleared her throat and pushed her bangs from her eyes. "Hi, my name is Emma, and I'm a friend of Melanie and Shane's. I only met the Irres about a year or two ago now, and, uh...when I was a teenager, my little sister threw herself off a bridge. My parents didn't grieve. They instead acted as though it never happened. That fucked me up. But...having known Shane, and knowing Melanie, I feel like I can relate to the loss and the grief that comes with losing a sibling. A sibling you try so damn hard to help. I'm not family, but I feel like I am now because of how much time I've spent with these people. I just wanted to take a moment and say that it doesn't matter if you're related, and it doesn't matter if you're not...all that matters is that you care. I cared for Shane. He was my friend. And I'm always gonna care for Melanie because, strange as it sounds to say after what we've been through...she's my best friend." Melanie smiled, still crying, which made Emma laugh a little. Emma looked back at the casket, but unlike Karen and Mel, she didn't approach it, and she didn't touch it, and she didn't say anything. She just looked at it, the same way she used to look at his face across the diner table, and just appreciate he was there. Then she took her seat. Eventually the service concluded, and the casket was lowered into the grave. Karen, still rather inconsolable, was taken home by Darren, who said he'd happily drive her car there later if she gave him the keys. Gus and Bea had to visit Chiako, make sure she was doing alright and that Leaf was doing alright with helping her mother. Waiting for Darren to get back, Emma and Mel stood in front of the headstone. "...I'm your best friend, huh?" Mel asked. "It's crazy, I know, and...and I can't believe I even said it but...Melanie before you came into my life, it was dull and ordinary. I was just a teacher. I lived simply and had a nice boyfriend and it was all so...plain. You guys made it not so plain, and I'm grateful for that shakeup," Emma replied, looking at Melanie. "I'm sorry I tried to steal your boyfriend, I...I didn't know at the time that I-" "No, and I know that, and I don't want you to apologize. Society molds us into the people it thinks we should be, and being anyone other than that is a serious act of rebellion, so I'm proud of you, just like he was," Emma said, "Come on, let's go inside, it's cold out here." She took Melanie by the hand, and together they headed back into the temple. As they approached the front doors, Melanie took one more look over her shoulder at Shane's grave, and she smiled. He'd done what he'd set out to do, after all. He had made sure she'd be okay.
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Royally Screwed follows 24 year old Melanie Irres, an average young woman...who legitimately believes she's a princess. Archives
July 2023
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