Melanie was playing with the radio, fiddling around with the dials, as Gus drove. He continually glanced over at her fingers, twirling the dials in circular motions to hopefully eventually find something suitable to listen to, and eventually he swatted her hand away, gripped the dial with his finger and ripped it out of the dashboard. He then sighed and rubbed his forehead as Melanie sunk back into her chair, looking perturbed.
"You know, this is a rental," she finally said softly. "Son of a bitch, you're right," Gus growled. "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm excited to get to this faire. Will there be magic? Dragons? Games and food and entertainment abound! What are you looking forward to?" Melanie asked, quickly bouncing back and grinning at him as Gus ran a hand through his silky black hair. "Same thing I look forward to every year..." he said, "...facing down The Black Knight. Ever since high school, I've gone to this faire every year and fought The Black Knight. They always beat me, and I'm always laughed off the field, but that all changes today. This year...this is my year." Melanie stared at him, her brow furrowed, and she very casually shook her head, sighing. "That is bar none the worst glory days story I've ever heard," she mumbled. The drive to the fair was about an hour away, and the whole ride was filled with nothing but Melanie asking Gus about his history with The Black Knight. He regaled her with tale after tale of loss after loss, and even one or two near wins, and she listened intently, completely engulfed in his story telling like a small child in a bedtime story. When they finally arrived at the faire, they paid for their parking - or rather Gus paid for their parking - and then drove around in the lot for a good while struggling to find a single parking spot. As they circled more and more, it was becoming evident that Gus had not anticipated this setback, nor had he prepared with a backup plan. Melanie was no real help either, continually pointing out spots that either were not big enough, or simply not parking spots, like right between a collection of porta potties. Finally they shouted, pointing at a spot, shaking Gus with her free non pointing hand as she said ecstatically, "There's one! Right there! That gentleman is backing his chariot out!" Gus smiled, nodding, happy to finally be done with this, and as he positioned his rental car to pull in, another car swooped in front of them and stole it. Melanie looked at Gus, who appeared steaming mad; gritting his teeth, his clenched knuckles on the steering wheel turning bright red. "Um...are you okay?" she finally asked. "Stay. Here," he said sternly, undoing his seatbelt and climbing out of the car. Gus approached the other vehicle and knocked on the car door. The window rolled down and someone wearing a black knight helmet turned to look at him, waving casually. Gus threw his arms up into the air in frustration, beginning to pace. "Of course, of course it's you!" he shouted, "You would do something like this, because you're evil! You're evil and you eat newborn babies for breakfast!" The Black Knight got out of their car and sheathed their sword before looking at Gus and shaking their head. "You need to chill, man," they said, before heading towards the faire. Gus walked back to his car, fuming mad, as he began to pull away and search for another spot to park. "Was that them?" Mel asked, and Gus sighed. "Mark my words, today is my day," Gus grumbled. *** Once inside, Gus and Melanie parted ways, as Gus had to prepare for the joust. Melanie, now left to her own devices, simply wandered the fairegrounds until she could find Emma and Darren, all the while taking in the sights and sounds around her, beaming the whole time, feeling like she was finally home. There were blacksmiths and mystics, a tavern and petting zoos, and everyone - young and old alike - were decked out in era specific garb. She finally spotted Darren over by a tent selling giant turkey legs, one of which he was chomping down on at that very moment, and Emma was nowhere in sight. Melanie waved at him, and began her approach. Darren smiled as she walked towards him and perched herself on a short wooden fence next to him as he ate. "It's a good thing you were able to make it, we need all the help that we can get," Darren said, "I'm never enough help it seems and every year Emma appears to run herself ragged trying to watch after all these kids." "That sounds thankless," Mel said quietly, scoffing, as Darren chewed and nodded. "I don't wanna sound like a jerk, but I kind of agree. I don't dislike children by any means, but I certainly don't think I'd ever want any myself," he said. "I don't like children," Melanie said, "Or anyone, really, of any age or gender." "Well, here, she left me this card for you with the students you'll be responsible for," Darren said, handing Melanie a small index card with a collection of kids names on it, before turning towards a group of children at a nearby petting zoo and calling out to them so as to gather them around, where, once gathered, he said, "Kids, you'll be with Melanie today, so do as she says and don't misbehave, alright? Behave." He looked at Melanie and smiled, before walking away as Melanie glanced down the card before glancing at the kids and sighing. "Well," she said, "...who wants to go to the tavern?" *** Standing in the preparation area, pulling his armor on and muttering to himself, Gus couldn't shake the idea that he might, in fact, just lose this year again. He wanted more than anything else to beat The Black Knight; in fact, since his life fell apart a few years ago, it was all he'd really been looking forward to. He shut his locker door and turned, hearing chainmail swing nearby. Standing there was The Black Knight, leaning on their sword, watching him casually. "This is my year," Gus said quietly, "You'll see." "You really think so, huh?" "I know so," Gus replied, "I watched instructional videos on jousting, I even took a class." "Gus," The Black Knight said, "Jousting isn't a skill you can learn. It's something that's passed down in your blood, like painting...or being sexually gifted in the bedroom." "Both of which I am an expert in," Gus said, smirking, making The Black Knight laugh. "Well," The Black Knight said, "I will defeat you this year, just as I have done every single year. You will fall face first into the dirt, and then walk with your head hung in shame to your sad little car which you'll use to drive to your sad little hovel where you'll sadly cry yourself to sleep wondering when your life became so sad as you beg the lord to make you as amazing as I am." "That's what you may think," Gus said, now turning to face them, stepping up and pointing in their face, his teeth baring, "But this year belongs to me, you'll see!" The Black Knight looked down at Gus's shoes and then back up at him, very casually pushing hand out of their helmeted face. "You're standing in manure," they said, before turning and walking out of the tent. Gus glanced downwards, realizing they weren't lying, and sighed. "...I hate this fuckin' faire," he whispered. *** Sitting at the bar on a stool, letting the kids run in behind her, Melanie sighed and looked at the bartender who was washing a glass across from her. He glanced up at her, at the sound of the ruckus, and approached her, lowering his voice. "Hey, these kids can't be in here," he said, "They aren't adults." "Of course they are, they're...Hobbits!" Melanie said, after thinking for a moment. "That wasn't actually historical," the bartender replied, staring at her in disbelief. "How dare you," Melanie said, "I'll have you know, good sir, that you're insulting these brave men and women who lived through the dark times of Sauron." The bartender shook his head and went to tend to other customers as Melanie dug her hand into a bowl of snack mix on the countertop. She heard the stool beside her pull out and glanced over to see The Black Knight seating themselves beside her, and Melanie's eyes lit up. "You're the black knight!" she said excitedly. "How observant of you," they replied. "I could tell cause you're a knight, in black armor," Melanie sound, sounding oddly proud. "Wow, you're so knowledgeable, I'm impressed," the Black Knight said, trying to get the bartenders attention, "How'd you get this princess gig, did you just win a raffle?" "Black Knight!" a voice called out loudly, and everyone looked towards the door of the tavern, to see Gus standing there, in full armor. The Black Knight stood up as well, pacing around the tavern, staring Gus down as he pointed with his sword at them and continued, "Every year you beat me, but I'm calling you out! This is the year, this is my time!" "We'll just see about that," The Black Knight said, approaching him and lowering their voice to a near growl, "Meet me at the ring in 5 minutes." Melanie walked up to Gus and looked at his armor. "How hard is it to walk in that?" she asked. "Extremely, I'm not very strong and it's very heavy," Gus said quietly. Gus and Melanie exited the tavern, the children right behind them. Suddenly she felt Emma put a hand on her shoulder, and turned to see she looked somewhat upset. Melanie looked at the kids and put her arms up. "Everyone, listen to me! Follow Noble Gustopher here to the jousting ring, and wait there!" Melanie said, the kids all listening, before she turned her attention back to Emma and asked, "What's wrong?" "I need your help," she said, "There's this girl, her name is Sally, and she's extremely upset. Her parents are divorced, and her father hasn't been able to see her much lately but he managed to get a job here this year to spend more time with her and then was unable to make it, and, understandably, she's extremely upset about the situation. I would deal with her myself on any other day, but I just don't have the time or energy, so could you maybe talk to her?" "What's in it for me?" Melanie asked, folding her arms. "...feeling like a good person?" Emma responded, confused. "Well that's a ripoff," Melanie muttered, following Emma to where Sally was holed up, behind a nearby tent, her face buried in her arms, crying. Emma nodded at Melanie, then quietly made her exit as Melanie sat down beside Sally and sighed. For a moment, neither one said a word, and then Melanie finally spoke. "You're not alone," Melanie said, "Kings and Queens are supposed to stay together forever, but sometimes kingdoms fall apart, and sometimes Kings go away. Kings constantly fail their offspring, even if unintentionally, and rarely seem to think about how their shortcomings affect their own children. They tell lies, thinking they're protecting us but those lies only ever really end up hurting us, not protecting us." "Did your dad lie to you?" Sally asked, looking up. "...in a way, yes," Melanie replied, just as trumpets started sounding a bit away from them and both girls looked up and around for the source of the noise; then it dawned on Melanie and she grinned, "The joust must be starting! Come on, let's go watch Gus get hurt, that would cheer anyone up!" So Melanie picked Sally up, put her on her shoulders and together they ran to the jousting ring, where Gus was standing inside by a horse, brushing it down. Melanie leaned against the rail and shouted at him, making him look her way and smile a little. It was one of the rare times he found he was genuinely appreciative her friendship, taxing as it may often be. He approached Melanie and stared at her for a moment, then hugged her, surprising the both of them as an announcers voice rang out over the crowd. "Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to the 35th annual Jousting Tournament! As is tradition, normal faire going people will be able to spar off the ever present, the ever dangerous, the ever terrifying champion, the Black Knight!" The Black Knight strolled into the ring, pulling their horse behind them, as the crowd booed and hissed at them. They stopped and threw their arms up in the air, in a rather grand gesture of force. "Who dare has the gall to challenge me? I shall defeat thee with my own brute strength, and thou shall fall to their doom!" they roared towards the crowd. Melanie grabbed Gus's shoulders and started pushing him back towards the center of the ring, shouting, pointing at him. "Oh, him! He will! This guy, right here! He'll do it! Don't worry folks, he does this every year, and he always loses!" Melanie shouted, cheering, the crowd cheering along with her as she made her way back to the rail and hopped it, standing back beside Sally. Gus climbed onto his horse, the Black Knight doing the same, as they circled one another, speaking loudly for the crowd to hear. "So," the Black Knight said, "you wish to challenge me again?" "I've been telling you all day that I was," Gus replied, as the Black Knight rode up to them and whispered. "It's for the crowd, man, come on. Play it up," they said, and Gus nodded, understanding. "Yes! Tis I, Gus The Great, here to vanquish thee foul demon back to the hell from whence you came!" Gus said loudly, getting the crowd to cheer in his honor, as the Black Knight scoffed and rode to their starting point, Gus turning their horse to do the same. He was feeling sick in his stomach, could he possibly do this? Would this really be his year? Would this be the moment his luck began to change? They stood at their respective marks, turned on their horses to face one another, and at the sound of the trumpet, rocketed towards one another, their jousts sticking outwards defensively. As he listened to his horses hooves clop in the dirt, Gus shut his eyes, knowing he was nearing either yet another failure or an incredible unexpected success. Either way, he didn't want to see it when it happened. And then, it was over; in what felt like a span of seconds, the joust was over, and the crowd was quiet. Gus opened his eyes and was still on his horse. He looked back behind him and saw the Black Knight was getting up off the ground, backing away from him, putting their hand to their helmet in shock. Gus looked out towards the crowd, grinning in his moment of glory. "I won!" he screamed, "I won!" He then looked at his arm and saw the Black Knight's lance was sticking through his arm. "What the fuck?!" he screamed. *** Gus, sitting in the back of an ambulance with his arm in a sling, was shaking his head in disbelief. Sure, he'd finally won, but humiliated himself in a new, even worse way. He sighed and ran his hand over his face, just wanting to go home. Melanie was helping Emma get the kids on the bus, so Gus was sitting alone when he heard the sound of metal clanking nearby and watched as the Black Knight approached him, taking a seat beside him on the ambulance bumper. "Well, you have a cool scar for chicks now," they said, making Gus smirk. "Gee, thanks," Gus replied. "Plus, you did defeat me," the Black Knight said, "Even if your arm took the sacrifice. Nevertheless, I have to admit, I'm impressed. Oh god, I have to get out of this thing." The Black Knight reached up and pulled their helmet off, releasing a bundle of long, wavy chestnut brown hair and green eyes. She looked back at Gus as she set her helmet in her lap and smiled, running her hands through her hair. Gus had never seen them without their helmet, and certainly hadn't expected them to be a woman. "That's better, it gets unbelievably hot in there," she said, grinning, "So, to show you how sorry I am, how about I drive you home? Cause I don't think you can drive yourself. We can even stop and get something to eat, cause I'm starving." "...that...would be really nice, yeah," Gus said quietly, blushing. Melanie and Gus met up before he took off, and he informed her of his plans, meaning she was going to be heading home in Emma and Darren's car, which she didn't seem to mind much. As everyone got into their separate cars, Melanie in the backseat of Emma's small car, it felt like the day was a great success. Emma fell asleep rather quickly in the passenger seat, leaving Darren and Melanie alone to talk on the long ride home. Melanie was propped up against the door in the back, looking out the window and sighing. "Did you have a good time?" Darren asked. "It was okay, yeah," Melanie said, "...it makes me miss my kingdom though. It was all rather bittersweet, honestly. Just made me want to go home." "You can't go home?" Darren asked. "There's a good chance there's no kingdom to even go home to," Mel said, her voice softening, quivering, "...without the king, what good is a kingdom. I can't rule it alone. That's why I need to find my Prince Charming, so he can rule it with me. We could make a great team, unlike the King and Queen, who failed to work together to fulfill their duties." Darren got a sad look on his face, realizing Melanie was opening up in her own weird way. "For what it's worth," Darren said, "I can't really go home either. But you know what, I'm gonna help you find your Prince Charming. Everyone deserves to be loved by someone, especially if their parents failed to do the one job they had." Melanie smiled. "Thank you, Darren," she said, yawning, "You're a noble knight." "I really am, aren't I?" Darren asked, chuckling. Melanie was asleep in seconds after the conversation came to a lull, leaving Darren alone to drive home in silence, thinking. Thinking about his own childhood, his own father who'd failed him, his own mother who'd hurt him. He began to believe that perhaps he and Melanie had a lot more in common than he'd ever considered, and that maybe they'd met for a reason. Maybe they could help one another, in some way. He glanced over at Emma and smiled warmly, realizing just how lucky he was to have found someone like her. Someone he could truly confide in and protect, be a real partner with. He knew what Melanie meant, about kings and queens failing to maintain and union, and he felt like he was working extra hard to prove his own folks wrong about how easy it actually was to be with another person. Darren began to believe that night, on that car ride home, that maybe Melanie wasn't as warped as he'd been led to believe. That maybe she was more sane than any of them.
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Royally Screwed follows 24 year old Melanie Irres, an average young woman...who legitimately believes she's a princess. Archives
July 2023
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