Michelle was in the car, waiting for Eliza. Eliza was still in her bedroom, getting a few things for the little road trip they were about to embark on, and Michelle didn't mind waiting one bit. She tuned the radio, playing around ping ponging from station to station until she landed on a station of nothing but classical music, and she liked that. Nice background noise. Finally the door opened, and Michelle glanced up, spying Eliza hugging her father before heading out, little backpack in hand. She opened the passenger door and climbed in, as Michelle started the car and then leaned towards her, putting her hands on Eliza's face and kissing her, making her laugh.
"Good morning," Michelle said, and Eliza giggled more. "Good morning!" she chirped back happily, "You're in a happy mood." "I am in a mood, certainly," Michelle said, as she started to back out of the driveway and head down the street, "whether it's happy remains to be seen depending on how the day unfolds. We need to stop at the studio real quick though, I need to pick something up." "Okie dokie," Eliza replied, putting one wireless earphone on and listening to her own music to keep calm. Even with Michelle, someone who clearly adored her, she needed to be calm. The companionship was nice, but Eliza constantly had bad thoughts running through her head, and she needed to distract herself no matter what, in whatever way she could. The drive to the studio was short and silent, and when they arrived, Michelle only needed to run inside because she was getting the address from her office, which she'd written down and then forgot there. As she was exiting, she bumped into Bea, and a woman standing beside her. "Oh, hi!" Michelle said, "I didn't know you'd be here on an off day." "I won't be," Beatrice replied, "I'm having a meeting, but I need you to do something for me." "Well, I...I'm having a meeting too, so I can't exactly-" "Just take Casey with you," Bea said, gesturing to the girl standing beside her, "Casey this is Michelle, Michelle this is Casey. Casey's going to be working here but until we can reconvene later today she doesn't have anything to do and anywhere to go, so I need her to tag along with you, yeah?" Michelle sighed and nodded, feeling a bit worn down, but willing to do what Bea asked. Bea hugged her, thanked her, and then looked at her watch, as if she were waiting for someone. Michelle and Casey walked back to the car and Casey climbed into the back as Michelle seated herself behind the wheel once more. Eliza pulled one earphone off and looked back at Casey, who smiled politely. "...are we dealing in human trafficking now?" she asked, and Michelle laughed as she pulled out and headed back down the road. Meanwhile, Bea stood outside the studio, smoking, tapping her foot. Today was always hard. Maybe this year, though, it'd be easier. Finally Liam's car pulled up and she stubbed out her cigarette and climbed into the passenger seat, oohing as she sat. "Wow, seat warmers," she said, "how fancy." "Look you can't be dismissive and appreciative at the same time," Liam replied. "Oh, to the contrary, watch me," Bea remarked, making him smirk as they, too, pulled away. *** Justine was sitting in home office, sipping coffee, staring at her fishtank. The bubbles were hynoptic, and the sound of the water moving ever so slightly, circulating round the tank, brought her an odd sense of calm. She leaned back in her chair and then looked down at her drafting table, where she was currently doing watercolor pages for an upcoming childrens book about a swan. She sighed, took another sip of coffee, and then finally stood up. She placed the mug on the small table beside the drafting desk and grabbed the container of fish flakes, shaking it over the aquarium top so they could feed. As she knelt down and smiled, watching them eat, all she could think about was the crash. How she'd only survived really because the plane had landed in water, and because it had landed tail first, meaning the cabin was pointed up (and the fact that it was a two person biplane), she had plenty of time to scramble out of it and swim to shore with the last of her strength before collapsing. How she managed to do that, especially with her legs as damaged as they were, always remained a mystery, but she was grateful for being alive. Especially in times like this, where she could sit and do the kind of work she loved, watching animals she liked, yes, she really understood the appreciation of life itself now. She sat back down and turned her attention back to her work. A story about a swan. Somehow she was always dragged back to the water. *** "So where are we going?" Casey asked, leaning up between the front seats. "I'm going to meet a woman that's the daughter of my social worker," Michelle said. "Is she really even your social worker anymore?" Eliza asked, "I mean...you have a job, you live with her, isn't she just kind of your friend now?" Michelle hadn't even considered this somehow. After all the years of knowing Delores, it was a bit hard to not think of her as being her social worker. Maybe Eliza was right. Maybe it was time to stop thinking of her as her social worker, and instead just think of her as her friend. Hell, she'd been more of a mother to her than her own mother had been, just in the short time she'd lived with her. They came to a red light and Casey opened up some gum and popped it in her mouth, chewing. "...are you scared?" Eliza asked. "I'm...anxious," Michelle responded, "I'm anxious. Not scared. I just worry that she's going to be mad at me for lying, for convincing her to meet with me, because what if she wants nothing to do with Delores? I mean, the fact that they've not spoken in so long kind of insinuates that she wants nothing to do with her." "But you're curious why, right?" Eliza asked, and Michelle nodded as the light changed to green and she kept driving. "Extremely," she replied, "I just feel like...for all Delores has done for me, I have to do something in return." "That's what makes you a good person," Eliza said, smiling, as she put her hand on Michelle's thigh. Regardless of how things spun out today, Michelle was happy to have Eliza by her side. Never before in her life had she had a relationship, and she certainly hadn't expected her first one to really be as strong and honest and supportive as it was. Though...she was a bit annoyed at Beatrice dumping Casey on her. "Does anyone want gum?" Casey asked. "What kind? It smells like cinnamon," Eliza said. "You have a good nose," Casey remarked, and handed her a piece, making Eliza excited, which made Michelle smile. Maybe Casey's presence wouldn't be so detrimental after all. *** "Been a while since we've been to a really nice place like this," Liam said, he and Bea seated in a lovely dimly lit steakhouse in a booth. Beatrice was looking through the menu while Liam picked up his water glass and took a long sip. He finally sighed and looked at her, then asked, "do you wanna talk about it?" "We don't do enough together," Bea said flatly, "for all the history we have, and the relationship we've got, we don't do enough together." "I mean, I agree, and I'd like to do more like this," Liam said, "doesn't have to be a strictly yearly thing." "It does, actually, because if it were more often, I'd have to think about it more," Beatrice said, "I don't mind being your friend, I don't mind having you in my life, I don't mind working with you, but to have anything more social outside of that, it...it takes me back to all that. Back to that...that moment. I found her file." Liam's eyes widened a bit and he leaned back in his side of the booth, folding his arms after adjusting his glasses. "Yeah?" he asked. "Yeah," Bea replied, "it was just in my closet with some other things. A whole life boiled down to just a few scraps of paper and a photo. Seems weird, right? Like there should be more. But that's all we get in the end, in this situation. I wanted to cry, but I just...I labeled it, hid it and went back to my day." A moment passed as a waitress took an order from a nearby booth, then passed them. "Do you ever think about it?" Bea asked quietly, looking down at her lap. "...sometimes," Liam said softly, "but...and I say this with no judgement in regards to your own way of processing things...I can't let myself regret it. If I start down that path, then I'll start opening up every decision I ever made in my life and how I, in turn, made the wrong one. I just can't do that. What's done is done. It's over." Bea nodded as a waitress finally came to their table and Liam ordered for the both of them. Sitting there, watching him, Beatrice couldn't help but feel like maybe he was right. For so long she'd mourned their life in show business, and all the things that that entailed, Claire included, but Claire was gone. There was nothing they could do to change that, so why dwell on it, especially twenty something years later? Just enjoy the now. Maybe Liam was right about them meeting more often. An anniversary just drags you back to that moment, why not create new reasons to be sociable together? She picked up her water glass and took a long drink. "So I see you hired that girl from the pizzeria," Liam said and Bea nodded. "Indeed," she replied, "I intend to take every broken young lady that I find under my wing." "...is that because you couldn't keep Claire around?" Liam asked, and Bea looked at him, blinking. She'd never even considered that, in all honesty, but he was probably right. It was probably related to that loss. Loss, after all, makes you do wacky things. But instead of recognizing that openly, and discussing it with the only person who could understand her reasoning for having been there the moment it happened, instead she just shrugged and waited for her appetizer. She hadn't had cheese sticks in a while. *** Michelle, Eliza and Casey were all standing on the large roofed porch of Justine's home, waiting anxiously. Michelle wanted to knock, but she was scared to do so, even with the cover story she'd given for her reason for showing up. She knew that the instant that cover story fell away, and Delores was brought up, that things would change drastically. Eliza held her hand, and Michelle felt her nerves melt a bit, so she nodded, shut her eyes for a moment and knocked on the door. After a few moments, it finally opened, and Justine peeked out. "Hello?" she asked. "Hi," Michelle said, smiling brightly, "My name is Michelle, I called about meeting you for a job." "Right! Come in, please," Justine said, moving aside and allowing the girls entrance. As all three passed her, she shut the door and, half chuckling, added, "I didn't realize you were going to bring an entire committee. Please, have a seat. I have some tea, if anyone is thirsty." "Tea would be nice, thank you," Eliza said, and so Justine headed to the kitchen to get some while the girls sat down. Michelle couldn't deny...this wasn't what she was expecting. This house was so...normal. She'd expected someone who'd survived a plane crash to be exciting and adventurous, not recede further into general blandness. But it did. It reeked of the mundane. Lots of seafaring art hanging from the walls - ranging from metal crab sculptures to paintings of seagulls resting on ship sails - and the most boring rugs one could conjure up in their minds. This was the daughter of Delores? Really? The two didn't seem similar at all. Justine finally returned with multiple cups on a tray and set the tray on the coffee table between them, along with a plate of cookies. "You sure know how to entertain guests," Casey said, picking up her mug of tea and, after nesting it between her thighs momentarily, reached into her coat and pulled out a flask. She unscrewed it, poured some into the tea and then started to drink. "You can drink on the job?" Justine asked. "Can I? Probably not. Will I? Definitely," Casey remarked. "Thank you very much for your hospitality," Eliza said politely, and Michelle felt humbled by having such a nice girlfriend. "So what is this book about?" Justine asked, "I always like to get to know the ins and outs of what it is I'm potentially doing artwork for before actually committing to it, if you understand. It helps me paint, not to be cute, a broader picture, a more wide scope, of what it is I'm getting involved in." "Actually, that's the thing," Michelle said, "um...we're not...we're not really with a publishing house. I lied. My name is Michelle, yes, but...but I work for a streaming network that produces mainly childrens content, and...and I was hoping you'd like to talk about the fact that I've been living with your mother now for months. I had major surgery a while back, and your mother took me in to help give me a safe place to heal and recoup, and escape my own mother who's a vile disgusting person, and once she told me she had a daughter, I just...I became curious about why you two never spoke. She told me about the accident, and-" "Why wouldn't she, she tells everyone," Justine said, interrupting, catching Michelle off guard; she sipped her tea and added, "it's her own personal sob story she can relay around to those who might give her sympathy. I didn't even WANT to visit for that holiday, but she insisted, as she does, and so her insistance put me on that plane, and put me on the brink of death." "Hardcore," Casey said. "So forgive me if I'm not immediately interested in rekindling a relationship that burned out ages ago," Justine concluded. "Listen, I know what it's like to hate your mom, I do," Michelle said, "my mother blamed me for all my health problems, told me constantly that my medical debt kept her from truly pursuing a life in the arts. I get it. I really, really get it. And I know that simply being a house guest as opposed to actually being related isn't the same, and obviously you know Delores far better than I do, but...but I think that absence has done her good. She seems...humble. I walked into the kitchen the other night and she was crying, looking at a photo album. She isn't interested in reconciling for the sake of saving face. She genuinely misses you." Justine chewed her lip and thought about this. After a moment, she shook her head. "Yeah, well," she said, taking a cookie from the plate, "either way she's sending lackies out to do her work, when I won't answer her calls, so-" "She didn't send anyone," Michelle said, "she doesn't know I'm here." That, she had to admit, threw her for a loop. Justine hadn't been expecting that one. She put her mug down on the table and looked at Michelle with earnest eyes, her hands now cupped in her lap. "So you just...took it upon yourself to find me of your own volition?" Justine asked. "I have an abusive mother, Eliza's mother died in an accident, and..." Michelle glanced at Casey, who just looked away; Michelle shrugged and continued, "I just...I feel like we can relate and-" "My mother," Casey said, interrupting, clearing her throat, "she...she used to sell me to her male friends when I was growing up. We were poor, and we didn't have a whole lot of money so my mother used to sell me to men for their...interests in me. So, I think, if anyone has any reason to hate their mother here, it's me. I'm curious to know what made you so angry at your mother, because more often than not, it's small and irrelevent. Angry words said at inopportune times, often in the heat of the moment and not said with sincerity. You don't hate your mother. You hate the moment. And it's hard to separate the moment from the mother, and look past that. But I guarantee my mother doesn't look at photo albums of me and cry. If anything, she's just mad she can't use me to make her money anymore." The room filled with an uncomfortable quiet, and Michelle felt her eyes wet with tears, but she didn't want to cry. Eliza sniffled and wiped her nose on her sweater sleeve, and then they all heard Justine start to cry. Justine stood up, walked around the coffee table and pulled Casey's head against her, holding her, petting her. "I'm so sorry," Justine said through tears, "that's so sick. You shouldn't...fuck....you're right and I'm so sorry." And after that, everything was smooth sailing. Fittingly so, considering all the seafaring related stuff in the house. *** Bea and Liam, after lunch, now found themselves sitting at the bar of the steakhouse, sipping on their respective alcoholic beverages but not saying a word. Liam continued deshelling pistachios and eating them as they sat and in a somewhat uncomfortable silence. Seemed that not having to interact with one another much recently had killed their ability to hold a conversation, but there was something Bea did want to ask...though she was scared of how Liam would react. "...could we have made it work?" Bea asked, and Liam glanced at her, raising an eyebrow as she continued to elaborate on her vagueness, adding, "like, realistically, do you think we could've made it work?" "Who knows," Liam said, "I'd like to have the confidence to say yes, but realistically speaking...I don't know. I think there would've been issues standing in the way of accomplishing that. I like to think that Claire would be proud of what we've managed to accomplish though, coming from that situation and feeling so hopeless and helpless." Beatrice nodded, sniffling, looking at her drink. "I think I need to be on anti-depressants," she said quietly, and Liam smiled. "Yeah?" "I worry far too much, think far too much," Bea said, "it isn't healthy to be this sad all the time. I need to do something about it before it truly incapacitates me in some manner or another. I need to start taking responsibility for my health." "I'm proud of you for that acknowledgment," Liam said, patting her on the back. "Here's to the 24th anniversary," Bea said, "wish she could be here." "Here here," Liam replied, both raising their glasses and clinking them before drinking. *** After getting back to the studio, Eliza headed to The Hole to work more on Keagan's puppet, while Michelle stayed in the props department with Casey - keeping her busy until Bea returned like she'd promised to - while they worked on building new pieces for upcoming episodes. Casey stopped painting for a moment and looked at Michelle, who looked up at her from her knelt position. "Everything okay?" Michelle asked, "that was...some heavy stuff." "I just figured it was a good way to shift perspective," Casey said, "not to disparage anything she went through, because, hell, surviving a plane crash regardless of her relaitonship with her mother is rough enough to live with. But I just figured maybe she should see what a truly despicable parent is like." "I'm really sorry that happened to you, for what it's worth," Michelle said. "It's just life," Casey said, shrugging, "it happened. Nothing I can do about it. And I'm sure I deserved it for some reason." Michelle shook her head as she dragged her paint brush down the fence post, wishing she knew what to say. She'd never once dealt with someone with a history of CSA. Still, she felt like maybe just giving Casey a safe space to work in and feel comfortable in was help enough. "Are you and that girl Eliza a couple?" Casey asked, and Michelle nodded, smiling. "Yes we are," she said, "we're looking to adopt a dog." "That's really cute," Casey remarked, putting down her paintbrush into a nearby can of thinner, "does a broken heart good to be around so much love." Michelle smiled more. She was right. It WAS good for a broken heart to be around so much love. That was the one thing Bea had given them all over their time together, and would now give to Casey, and all of them had healed and grown so much from that simple act of kindness. And the saddest part was that, even if Bea recognized this - which she did - she would never be able to grant herself a job well done for it, all because she hadn't been able to give Claire that very same thing. Bea never showed back up at the studio that night, instead opting to go home and be with Leslie for the evening. But she called, she left a message about what Casey could get to work on in her absence, and that they'd find something more permanent at a later date. This anniversary with Liam always messed her up, always made her aware of her failings instead of her success, and maybe he was right to suggest finally putting it to bed. And yet...and yet she couldn't even entertain that idea, because the anniversary was all that they had left of Claire. They'd already lost her. They couldn't lose that too. Yes. One day she would have to face down the past with Claire head on. But today was not that day. Maybe next year.
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Beatrice Beagle follows a young woman obsessed with a defunct pizzeria and kids show featuring a dog mascot. As she uncovers more about its mysterious past, she becomes sucked into the life of the woman who played the mascot, they both discover just how much they need eachother. Archives
April 2024
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