"Do I have to do this?" Violet asked, sitting at the kitchen table as Natasha prepared her breakfast. As she finished and set the plate on the table in front of Violet, Nat took a seat at the table across from her daughter and sighed.
"I think it's important that you have your father in your life, even if seeing him is painful for me," Nat said, "Because this is about you, not me. You deserve to have him around." "But he...uh....he doesn't..." "He doesn't what, kitten?" "He doesn't like me," Violet whispered, and Natasha laughed. "Are you kidding me?" she asked, "He loves you to death. It killed him having to leave you, believe me, that was the one silver lining for me, was the pain he got from not being able to be around you anymore. Your father adores you, sweetheart, so just try and work with him, okay? Don't be stubborn like me." The doorbell rang, and Natasha stood up, heading to answer it as Violet dug into her scrambled eggs and buttered toast. She could hear them speaking hushed to one another in the foyer momentarily, until they both entered the kitchen. It'd been almost a year since Violet had seen her father, and now seeing him standing here, she realized how little she recognized him. He had short pepper grey hair and stubble, wearing jeans, boots and a button down shirt with the collar done up, he didn't even look like a father, which made her feel all the more awkward. "Hey hunny," Stephen said, sitting down next to her as Natasha poured him and herself cups of coffee; he took it from her and sipped, then smiled at Violet, adding, "You look very good." "Thanks," Violet said, focused on eating. "How's school been?" he asked. "I have a friend," Violet said. "Well that's excellent," Stephen said, "Everyone should have at least one friend." "Yeah, I wonder what that's like sometimes," Natasha said, making Stephen smirk. Just then there was another knock at the door and Natasha excused herself once again to answer it, leaving Stephen and Violet together. Violet finished eating the eggs and moved onto finishing the toast as her father cleared his throat, took another long sip of coffee and lowered his voice. "Sweetheart, I know this must be awkward, so we're gonna do whatever you want okay? This weekend is all about you, I just want to make you feel comfortable," he said, "So if you have any suggestions for things you'd like to do, I'm all ears." Natasha and Jay came back into the kitchen, Jay holding his laptop bag in one hand and a lot of charts under another arm. "Oh," Jay said, "You...you didn't say you had company." "It's fine, it's just my ex," Nat said, "Sit down Jay, you want some coffee?" "Uh, sure, yeah," Jay said, setting his stuff down at the table and sitting down across from Stephen and Violet, next to where Nat's seat was; he turned his attention back to Nat as she got him coffee and he said, "So I brought over some charts, metrics and stuff about how this is going to work, financially and otherwise. I hope I'm not interrupting anything." "Not anymore than anyone else," Violet said, surprising her folks with her articulate statement. With that, she got up, and excused herself to the bathroom before getting her bags. As they hard her rush up the stairs, Stephen pointed at the charts and looked at Jay as Nat sat back down, giving Jay his coffee mug. "What's this all about?" Stephen asked. "We're taking the show online," Nat said, "That way we have full creative control, are entitled to all the benefits and can say whatever we want without fear of being silenced." "That's a great idea," Stephen said, "You can probably reach a broader audience anyway, given the proliferation of internet access in the household at this point. Everyone uses the internet, not everyone watches public access television." "My thought process exactly," Nat said. Violet came back down and said she was ready to go. Stephen stood up, said goodbye to Nat and took Violet's bags out to his car. Nat got up and walked around to her daughter, pulling her in close for a hug, which she happily gave her mom. Natasha stroked Violet's hair and whispered into her ear. "If you feel uncomfortable at any moment, and it all becomes too overwhelming, just say the word and I will come get you, okay?" she said, and Violet nodded; Nat smiled, kissed her daughters forehead and added, "Love you kitten, take care and I'll see you soon." "Love you, um, too, uh, mom," Violet said, following Stephen out to his car. Natasha watched them pull away from the kitchen window, until she noticed Jay was turned in his seat, looking at her. "You okay?" he asked. "...I really don't know," she mumbled, "Alright, let's look over these charts." *** As Violet sat in the passenger seat, she couldn't help but feel like a stranger to her father. To be fair, she felt like a stranger to almost everyone, her mother included in many aspects, but this was different. This was her father. This was one of two people she shouldn't feel like a stranger to, and yet she did. She watched him fiddle with the air conditioning and start playing music at a low volume, so as not to overwhelm her, and she realized she didn't know a single thing about him. He and her mother had clearly loved one another so much they decided to have a baby, but she didn't know much beyond that he was her father, and maybe she should take the time and make the effort to get to know who he really was, and what really made him leave. "D...dad?" she asked. "Yeah pumpkin?" he asked. "Um...wh...why did you, uh, leave us?" Violet asked, and Stephen sighed. "Um, I....there were a lot of reasons, but I guess really what it comes down to is simply not feeling like I was important to your mother anymore," he said, "she had her show, and of course you and her were always closer than you and I have been, and I just felt...abandoned. When you build a life with someone only for them to then cut you out of it - intentionally or not - it messes with your self worth. But I never stopped loving her in some ways, and I certainly never stopped loving you to death." "Then why didn't, um, you know, uh...why didn't you come back?" Violet asked. "Adult relationships are complicated, there's a lot of factors," Stephen said. "They aren't more complicated than any other kind," Violet said, "They...that's just, um, an excuse that, like, adults use, you know? To like...uh...not...not want to figure things out. My friend at school, she was born a boy, and our friendship is not complicated at all." "Well, it's not romantic, so." "I...I guess, sure," Violet said. He had a point. Platonic and romantic were different, and perhaps that wasn't a very fair comparison. Violet pulled her sweaters long sleeves over her hands and flapped the ends of them, smiling at the stimulation. Stephen exhaled and turned the radio off as he came to a stop at a red light. "Look, sweetheart," he said, "what happened to this family was my fault, okay? Even with what I just said, I made the decision to drastically alter things. Your mother isn't in the wrong, and you especially aren't. We both love you tremendously, you're the best thing in our lives, okay? Now do you have any idea what you wanna do for the day?" Violet thought for a while, and then nodded. "I wanna go to the zoo," she said. *** Jay was typing away furiously on his laptop, sitting at Natasha's kitchen table as she paced around the kitchen, drinking her third cup of coffee, a box of open Biscotti's on the table that they'd both been picking at. Jay finally paused and looked up at Nat. "Christ," he said, "You're making me anxious and I've only drank one cup." "Was I wrong? To do this to her?" Natasha asked, "I mean, I just...I figured she'd need her father. My sister and I grew up with our father distant and aloof, and it kind of fucked us up. All we ever really wanted was for dad to, like, notice literally anything that we did, and it killed us that he didn't. I'm just trying to make sure she's covered emotionally, you know?" "Nat," Jay said, standing up and walking to her, stopping her, his hands on her shoulders, "All you do is think about other people. When you're not doing your show, you're expanding that energy on your daughter. It's admirable as hell, but it's perfectly fine to be selfish once in a while. What do you say we knock off work and go somewhere?" "Like where?" Nat asked, brushing her bangs from her eyes. "I don't know, man, anywhere. Just...somewhere where you don't have to worry about how poorly you might be doing things for others. Let's go to an arcade or something," Jay said, "I'm itching to play some Pinball." "Alright," Nat said after a moment, grinning, "Yeah, that'd be cool." They grabbed their respective coats and headed out the door, climbing into Jay's car and heading off to the downtown, where the biggest (and one of the only remaining) arcade was. Upon entering, the flashing lights nearly blinding them and the sound of machines in every direction pounding at their eardrums, Jay and Natasha couldn't help but feel like kids again themselves. Jay led her over to the pinball section, and together, side by side, they picked tables and began playing. "You need to relax once in a while," Jay said. "It's so very hard when the world is constantly fucking you up the ass," Nat replied, making Jay cackle. "I mean, sure, you're not wrong, but trust me, you won't be able to commit yourself to the work you need to get done if you're constantly questioning every single thing you think or say. You need to be able to focus." "We were best friends, man," Nat said as she flayed on the flippers, scoring more points, "We were best friends until we had a kid, and then suddenly we were parents, and parents can't be best friends, they have to be parents." "That isn't true at all, my folks are absolutely best friends. I think it just depends on how you approach it." "I know I let my work get in the way, and I know Violet became my end all be all concern," Natasha said, pulling the spring back and releasing another ball, "but...I don't think that's exactly a bad thing, right? I mean, I was being a mom, you're supposed to be there for your child." "Nat, you're a great mom," Jay said, "and I'm sure under the right circumstances a great wife too, and you know I'm on your side and not his. Lord knows I was there, I saw how much he hurt you. You don't owe him anything. Certainly not an explanation. Lord knows he didn't give you one." Natasha stopped and looked at Jay, who also stopped and looked at her. "Why are you helping me so much?" she asked. "...because you...you hired me right out of college, and I had, like, no experience and I just want to give something back to the person who gave me everything," Jay said, pulling another few quarters from his pockets and splitting the stack between the two of them; he added, "Because when you give so much and nobody gives anything back, that isn't being a good person, that's being taken advantage of. You deserve better than that." Jay turned, pushed another quarter into the slot and continued playing as Natasha stood and stared at him. This young guy she'd known for so long, who had been with her show since it started, was now her closest friend and business associate, and she smiled, because she realized then and there that she'd lost a husband, but gained a new best friend. *** "Why did you want to come to the zoo?" Stephen asked as he and Violet strolled through the exhibits, finally stopping in the reptile section, where they watched a large python squirm around in its enclosure. Violet sipped her drink as Stephen bit into his sandwich they'd bought there, and she sighed. "I guess because it's, um, like...what you...you know...are supposed to do with your parents?" Violet said, "I don't...I don't know what a family does together." This statement broke Stephen's heart, and he started feeling like he and Natasha had somehow failed her as parents. She watched the python snatch a mouse that was dropped in its case, and watched it eat the mouse entirely, while Stephen ate his sandwich and watched his daughter. "I'm sorry," he finally said, "I'm sorry we weren't-" "Don't be sorry," Violet said, her voice cold and flat, "...you're no different than most parents." When they went to Stephen's apartment that night, and after Violet had fallen asleep, Stephen called Natasha, but she didn't answer. He paced in his kitchen and prepared to leave a quiet somewhat irritated voicemail for her, but instead he hung up and sat down at his kitchen table, sighing and running his hands through his hair. How could he tell her this sort of thing? That their daughter felt like she didn't have a family? He'd done enough damage already, and decided he'd handle this himself. He looked over at the couch and watched Violet sleep, her headphones playing white noise as she snored, and he smiled. He really did love his daughter, just like he'd loved Natasha. Violet was so much like her, that it scared him. He stood up, walked to the couch, sat down on the ottoman and stroked her hair gently. How could he have walked out, people had asked him, because they assumed that once you have a marriage or a family that your own wants immediately vanish, but in the end it had been pretty easy, aside from inadvertently hurting his daughter and wife. He didn't regret doing it, but he did regret having to do it. And he felt like perhaps that, if nothing else, at least cleansed him of some guilt.
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Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling overhead as her hand was wrapped around a mug of hot coffee that was sitting on her chest, Natasha tried to remember the last time she'd felt this alone. Not just in the house, no, but in life. Violet was off to school for the day, and now Natasha was with her thoughts, and those thoughts weren't being very kind to her. She sat up and sipped the coffee, then heard a knock at the front door. She sighed, slid to the end of the bed and slipped her feet into her slippers, heading down the stairs to answer it.
As she walked down the stairs, she passed a myriad of photos hanging on the wall and thought to herself, "I should take these down", because a good majority of them still included Stephen, her soon to be ex husband who'd left her for her sister. She didn't need that constant visual reminder. Natasha reached the front door and opened it, surprised to see Jay standing there. She stepped aside and he walked in, pulling his cap off and running his hands through his short brown hair. "You look like shit," he said, half smiling. "Well, then at least it's conducive to how I feel," she replied, "Do you want some coffee?" "I suppose so," Jay said, following her into the kitchen where he took a seat at the table, watching her get a mug from the cabinet; he sighed and added, "You don't really look like shit, for what it's worth. I think you look pretty good, considering." "Considering?" "You know, not...being at the station anymore," Jay said, almost mumbling the last part. "It's surprising what people will let you get away with for as long as you make them money," Natasha said, bringing him his coffee and opening a small bag of donuts on the table for them, digging into it as she continued, "As soon as I was deemed no longer financially sound, I was let go, but as long as I was making them money I could say or do whatever I want and it didn't matter. I was just trying to teach the kids something." "I found what you did rather admirable, for what it's worth," Jay said. "Well thanks," Nat replied, smiling as she popped a tiny donut in her mouth, "That means a lot." "That's actually partially why I'm here," Jay said, "I have an idea, to bring you back." "I don't wanna go back to the station." "No, not to the station," Jay said, leaning back and grinning, "How would you like to go global? I think we should be on the internet." *** Violet and Courtney were sitting in the school library, working on respective homework, Courtney chewing on her pencil while Violet fervently scribbled down notes, headphones clasped tightly onto her ears. Courtney sighed and looked around, then nudged Violet in the shoulder, getting her attention. Violet tugged her headphones down and looked at Courtney. "What?" she asked. "...I don't think I'm going to do well in this class," Courtney said, "I can't focus. If I can't focus, I can't retain information. What do you do if you have trouble focusing?" "I guess I, um, just kind of pinch myself so I don't daydream. We can also go over the work together, and uh, maybe compare notes?" Violet asked, and Courtney nodded, sighing. "That might work...I'm just so worried I'm not going to be able to stick it all out, and go to college eventually. I don't even know that I want to. I mean, if high school is this scary...what would college be like? This is already dangerous for me. Are you excited to go to college?" "I don't know," Violet said, "I don't know that I can leave my mom." "That makes sense," Courtney said. Just then they heard a commotion, and looked to the sunken area of the library, where a girl about their age was seated, rocking in her chair, hitting herself in the head. Violet and Courtney glanced at one another, then back at the girl, in her striped multicolored shirt and blue pleated skirt, while the librarian and a teacher approached her, trying to talk quietly to her, presumably to get her to calm down. After she did, the girls went back to their conversation. "What if we went to the same school, and then we could also keep tabs on our parents?" Courtney asked, "That way we wouldn't have to be alone at college, and we could make sure our folks are alright?" "That would, uh, that would be...nice, yes, I guess," Violet said, before lowering her voice, glancing back over her shoulder at the girl and asking, "what do you think is wrong with her?" "No idea, but they seem to have gotten it under control," Courtney said, turning her attention back to her homework, chewing on her pencil again. Violet wanted to get back to work, but she couldn't get her attention of the girl, who she noticed was reading a large childrens storybook. After a moment, the girl looked around the library, and then dug into her backpack and pulled out a small snack of cheese and crackers and started eating, her eyes eventually catching Violet's. She raised a hand and waved cautiously, a gesture which Violet returned. Something about the girl unnerved Violet, but she wasn't sure why. *** "I can build a website, we can host video on the server and we can do or say whatever we want. Imagine it, no standards and practices, and you own all your content," Jay said as they now sat in Natasha's living room; he continued, "It wouldn't cost much, and I'd be willing to foot part of the bill." "Why would you potentially put yourself at financial ruin for my sake?" Nat asked, still eating out of the donut bag as she sat in the large recliner opposite the couch where Jay was. "Because...because you're my friend, and we've worked together forever," Jay said, "and...people need you, Nat. Let me tell you, ever since you were let go, and the show was pulled, we have had so many complaints, phone calls and e-mails asking why you aren't on anymore. People need you, so they don't feel so alone. Wasn't that what it was all about?" "I don't think I'm exactly the kind of person who should be giving people life advice," Nat said, "I mean, have you seen the mess I've made of my life?" "You didn't make a mess of it, he did. And you didn't get yourself fired, that asshole figured it wasn't worth the publicity anymore and wasn't sure where you might go next, but guess what, unpredictability is something society doesn't see anymore, and we need people like you, who are open and raw and honest and-" "Jay-" "-and women, god, you of all people being one should recognize how much society demands perfection from women. How much it hates women who are a mess. Other women who are messes need you to see that it's perfectly fine to be that way, and that they too can be successes even in spite of that. You're a...a hero, dude." Natasha felt her eyes swell up with tears, but she didn't want to cry. She'd never heard Jay be this honest with her, even in all the years they'd worked together. She sighed and rubbed her face on her sweater sleeve, sighing. "...would it be hard?" she asked. "Not at all," Jay said, "We'd have to find someone to edit, obviously, but...I think if we find the right person, the three of us could pull it off. The internet could use some kindness. It's become such a vicious horrid place full of unbridled hatred, and I think a wholesome, helpful place like what we could build would benefit a lot of people online." Natasha sighed and closed up the donut bag, tossing it onto the coffee table. She wiped her hands on her knees, smearing powdered sugar on her pajama pants. "Okay, so...how do we do this?" she asked. *** As the girls were sitting on the bleachers in their gym uniforms, watching the other students do one physical activity or another, Violet couldn't stop thinking about that girl from the library. She glanced at Courtney, who was now sucking on her lip and watching a handful of guys playing soccer nearby. "I'm not like her, am I?" Violet asked, and Courtney looked at her, confused. "Who?" she asked. "The girl from, the, uh, the...library, remember? Her? Earlier?" "Oh, right. No, you're not like her, she's clearly got bigger issues," Courtney said, "You're not like her, Violet." "If I were there, would you...you know, um, like...ugh...be my friend, still?" Violet asked, and Courtney shifted herself to be facing Violet fully now. "Of course I would!" Courtney said, "Why are you asking me this?" "I think we should, um, like, uh...what's that word?" "Befriend?" "Yeah, befriend her," Violet said, "Because she might, like, not uh...not have any friends, and it'd be nice for everyone to have a friend. We should, you know, befriend her." "I mean, if you want to. I'm not exactly sure how capable of communicating she is, you saw how she acted," Courtney said, "why is this bothering you so much?" "Because, like, people are so...nasty to me, and I...I don't want to ignore other people who, uh, who are worse off than me. I don't want to be like everyone else," Violet said, "I wanna be like my mom, I wanna be nice to others." Courtney smiled and patted Violet on the back, nodding, understanding. The two got up and headed to the water fountain for a drink. As Violet drank and Courtney leaned against the wall, still watching the boys playing soccer, she couldn't help but notice that the girl they were talking about was sitting at a picnic table nearby, still reading the same book. She wasn't in a PE uniform, so she wasn't in their class, so why was she out here and not in class? Courtney nudged Violet and pointed at her, and Violet nodded, the two of them heading towards the picnic table. As they approached, the girl looked up and hugged the storybook to her chest. Nobody said a word at first, until finally Violet cleared her throat and tried to open communication. "Hello," she said, "I saw you in the library." The girl didn't respond. "Um..." Violet continued, "what are you reading?" Again, no response. "Why aren't you in class?" Courtney asked, and the girl pointed at a group of other kids their age sitting nearby, with two adults talking to them all. Courtney understood. Special Ed. She sighed and looked at Violet, who so desperately wanted to make this work, and she felt bad for her. "What's your name?" Violet asked, "I'm Violet, this is Courtney." The girl stared at them, then finally said, "My name is Phoebe." "It's nice to meet you Phoebe," Violet said, Courtney nodding in agreement. "I have a bracelet," Phoebe said, holding out her wrist and showing them a metal band attached around her wrist, which bore her name, her age, and an acronym of one kind that simply read MRF. The girls looked at one another, then looked back at Phoebe who was smiling at them. "It's a nice bracelet," Violet said, and Phoebe laughed, rocking on the picnic table. Just then one of the two teachers out there with the other Special Ed kids called to Phoebe, and she got up and left without even saying goodbye. Courtney looked at Violet and chewed her lip. "So," she asked, "Feel any better?" "Not really," Violet said. *** Natasha and Jay went to pick up Violet that day at school; Natasha was too tired to drive, and wasn't even dressed in actual clothes, so Jay offered to drive her to the school to get Violet. As Violet climbed into the backseat of Jay's car and shut the door behind her, waving goodbye to Courtney, she was confused as to why Jay was here. "Hey kid," Jay said, "Nice to see you again." "You too," Violet said, "Why are you here?" "Hah, uh, I'm helping your mom," Jay said, "We're going to bring her show back and put it on the internet." "That's cool," Violet said, before tapping her mom on the shoulder and leaning up between the two front seats. Nat, who had one leg up on the dash and was reclining, looked back at her daughter and smiled at her. "What's up pumpkin? You have a good day at school?" she asked. "What's an MRF?" Violet asked. "What do you mean?" Nat asked. "I met a girl at school and, uh, and she had a, um, a bracelet, you know? But it said MRF and me and Courtney don't know what it means," Violet said. Nat shrugged and Jay cleared his throat as he turned into an intersection. "I went to high school with a girl who had one of those," Jay said, "Well, she was the sister of a friend of mine, actually. I asked him what it meant one time and he told me it stood for Mentally Retarded Female. Not sure exactly how the usage of that word is still flying by todays standards, especially in the medical community. I mean, sure, it's scientifically accurate but still." "...why don't I have one?" Violet asked, now fully grabbing Nat's attention. Nat looked behind her in the car at her daughter, a look of anguish on her face. "Because that's not what you are, Violet," Natasha said, "You're not that. There's levels to mental blockages, varying degrees and so forth, and you're not that at all. You might have some problems, but they're nothing you can't overcome. You're extremely high functioning. Why would you-" "I tried to be her friend, I wanted...to be like you, and...and um, and help someone," Violet said, starting to sound sad and sniffling, "but she...I don't know if she understood that. I wanna help people too." Natasha exhaled and sat back in her seat, so Violet wouldn't see her silently crying. "Kitten, you're a good kid, and you'll help plenty of people, believe me. Take your friend Courtney, you're helping her feel more comfortable at school, and that's worth a lot," Natasha said, "I'm proud of you." After Jay got back to Nat's house, and after Violet had secluded herself in her bedroom, headphones blaring into her ears while she finished her homework, Natasha opened a bottle of wine for herself and Jay. Jay sat back on the couch while Nat paced, sipping her wine, shaking her head. "I told you people need you," Jay said. "If we do this, if I agree to do this, we need to ensure that some of the money we make from this venture goes to a charitable endeavor," Natasha said, "Helping mentally challenged kids, or...or like, battered women or something." "I'm fine with that," Jay said, and with that, Natasha held her hand out for him to shake, which he did. "Happy to be in business with you," she said, making him laugh. *** The phone rang. It rang again. Natasha curled her finger around her hair and waited. She knew eventually it would be answered. She exhaled and looked at herself in her vanity mirror on her dresser, thinking about this new idea Jay had approached her with, and found she actually felt excited for it, which was a nice change of pace. Excitement instead of dread was something she found she could easily get used to. "Hello?" a voice asked. "Finally," Natasha said, "We need to talk." "What about?" the person asked. "You need to see your daughter," Nat said, making Stephen sigh on the other end of the line. |
About
Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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