In the last two weeks, Violet had only seen Courtney twice, and this was beginning to bother her. Since getting her apprenticeship at the pool under the lifeguards eye - the one she was hoping to make her boyfriend - Courtney had been extremely busy, but this weekend was dedicated entirely to Violet. Courtney had invited Violet over, and together they decided to go riding on a little trail around her home. It'd been a while since the girls had gone on horseback, so Violet was excited for it.
Bouncing gently along on their saddles, Violet and Courtney were now deep in the forested area surrounding Courtney's house, but neither one had said a word to eachother despite being together for 2 hours now. It was like the break in the friendship had killed any kind of conversation, and Violet didn't know how to handle this sort of thing. This was, unfortunately, a trait she inherited from her mother, who also struggled to say things to those she liked the most. Like right now, for example, while Violet was off horse riding, Natasha was having lunch with Noreen, trying to scrape together some ideas for the upcoming year. Biting into her sandwich, realizing it had tomatoes when she'd explicitly ordered it without them, Nat groaned and wiped her mouth with her napkin. "What about a podcast? Everyone does that now," Noreen said. "That's the thing, if everyone does it, why further saturate the market? Besides, I do video, and I don't wanna make that small of a change for a meager percentage of an audience boost," Nat said, "No, I'd rather stick to what I do. Jay recently suggested I write a book, and, like, I don't do that. I prefer video. There's a reason I chose that medium." "...how about..." Noreen started, before cutting herself off, almost looking embarrassed. "How about what? What were you gonna say?" Nat asked, watching Noreen stir her soup around in her bowl. "I don't know, I was gonna ask how about bringing me on? As, like, a co-host or something. A lot of your show in the last year or so was dedicated to the idea that your life fell apart, so what better way to prove to your viewers that it can be fixed than by showing them outright, you know?" she asked, and Nat nodded slowly. "That's...not a bad idea, no," Nat said, "and I'd love to have you on. It'd be nice to have a sister I could trust." Noreen smiled, making Nat smile. The girls had become closer than Nat had ever been with her actual sister she'd grown up with, and that made her feel like sometimes the most genuine relationships come from the least expected places. *** "Trail mix is such a weird food," Courtney said, eyeing the bag she was eating out off on her horse, "like, it's got a horrible name first and foremost. Sounds like you're gonna eat twigs and leaves. Ew. But it also is just a real mishmash of stuff. Peanuts and pretzels and raisins. What kind of weirdo came up with this? Some health nut, probably." "I don't know, I, uh, I like it," Violet said, admiring her own bag, "It's a good variety, you know? Like, um, it's not all the same stuff and it's also not bad for you. It's not exciting, I guess, but it's still good. It's good to have variety..." As the words left her mouth, her thoughts turned to Courtney and the lifeguard. "So um...how is your training going?" Violet asked. "Pretty good," Courtney said, "He's really nice. Since I'm a lifeguard I get to wear trunks if I want, which is nice. You should come and hang out when I'm on duty!" "Why?" "I don't know, it'd be fun to have you both around," Courtney said. "...I'm not fun by myself anymore?" Violet asked, catching Courtney off guard, who stopped her horse and looked at her, confused. "What do you mean?" "I mean that ever since you got this job, and started having out with this guy, I don't see you," Violet said, sounding genuinely hurt, "we were supposed to spend the summer together, and...and now you're off doing this other thing with this other person. I've never had a friend during the summer. I've spent every summer with my mom. I wanted to spend summer with a friend." "That's why I'm inviting you, Violet!" Courtney said, half laughing. "It's not the same!" Violet said loudly, "I...ugh, nevermind, I, uh, I don't know how to explain it." Violet kicked her horses sides a little and kept going down the trail, a semi confused Courtney not far behind. *** "Did your sister ever act jealous?" Noreen asked as she and Nat walked down the sidewalk in the town, eating an ice cream cone each. Nat shrugged. "If she did, she didn't show it," she said, "I mean, when I got the show, when I got married, when I got pregnant...she never seemed to let any of it bother her exactly, but she also was never really around either. Maybe that's why. Maybe she was so frustrated at what she didn't have that it hurt her to be around what I did have. I also never offered to bring her into the fold." "You never wanted to work with her?" "We're very different people," Natasha said, licking her cone, "like, she's a very private person, and I am not, as the world is well aware now." This made them both laugh as they sat on a bench outside an old book store. Nat crossed her legs and sighed, taking a bit of her ice cream. "Truth be told, I never really liked her much. I know that's, like, a horrible thing for a sister to say about their sibling, but she was always selfish and self centered and self absorbed. All the selves she was. She also always acted like she was better than me, when all I ever did was just be myself. I never tried to compete with her or anything, so I don't know where this weirdly combative almost competitive nature came from. I think she had trouble making friends of her own, and finding guys to date, so I think she was sort of jealous, but I never rubbed any of that in her face. I always did my best to be there for her, you know?" Noreen nodded, listening closely as Nat shrugged. "I guess in the end you either get along or you don't. I guess we just didn't. We were cordial, polite, but there was always this weird unspoken tension between us. And then when she fucked my husband, well, that just sort of blew everything up. The thing is, I don't even blame her for that anymore. I think I did at first, sort of a 'how could my own flesh and blood do this to me?' situation, but after thinking about how she's been her whole life, I don't blame her for grabbing her happiness where she could, even if it belonged to someone else. I blame Stephen far more, really." "I never really managed to make friends either, and never really had any interest in romance whatsoever," Noreen said, running a hand through her hair, smiling as she added, "but I guess it shows how alike two people can be in theory and still come out so differently. I'd never have sex with someone elses husband, let alone my sisters. Then again I don't know that I ever want to have sex at all, so. And then, uh, you know, with the friends thing, I guess I...I um...I just kind of like my solitude. Except for you. I like having you be my friend. And by extension your friends, I guess." Nat chuckled as they sat there and continued eating their cones in the warm welcoming silence of the summer sun, watching people walk by, go in and out of nearby stores. This, really, was all Nat had ever wanted from a sister. Someone to sit with and share things with and just BE with. Thank god for Noreen she thought. She couldn't have asked for a better replacement. *** "Why are you so grouchy?" Courtney asked, trotting her horse alongside Violets. "I don't know, I guess I'm just, like, ya know, jealous or something. Um, I never...I never had friends, you know?" she said, "And now this boy is taking you away from me and-" "Nobody is taking me away from you, Vi!" Courtney said, "You're still my best friend!" "Then why haven't we spent more time together this summer?!" "Because I wanna have normal teenage girl experiences," Courtney said sternly, the both of them looking at one another now, their horses completely stopped; Courtney sighed and shook her head, "Like, do you realize how hard it is for me to find people who like me? And I'm not just talking friends. I mean boys. To find boys who actually like me. I know on some level you understand, because you're not like other girls either, but it's very different for me. It's actually very dangerous for me, and I have to be very careful. Someone might hurt me." Violet stared at Courtney, who was now trying to hold back tears. "Like," Courtney continued, sniffling, "just once I wanted a boy to like me, you know? I wanted to have a normal teenage girl experience." "Every experience we have is a normal teenage girl experience because we're normal!" Violet said loudly, surprising Courtney as she added, "who says we're, like, not? Like, uh, I mean just because we don't act the same as other girls or look the same as other girls or think the same as other girls doesn't mean we're not normal too! However you are is normal. Normal is whatever you exist as!" Courtney smirked, both surprised and proud of this growth Violet was showing. "I...I know you wanna do things that I don't wanna do, or can't do, but I also miss you," Violet said, "Whenever we're not hanging out, I just spend all my time in my room or with my mom when she's home, and having a friend...that's been a normal teenage girl experience for me." "...I'm sorry Vi," Courtney said, walking her horse up to Violet's and leaning in, touching her leg, adding, "I'm sorry, I didn't know this was bothering you like this. We should talk about this sort of stuff. You're my best friend, we should be more open about these things. Thank you for bringing it up, albeit somewhat angrily." Violet laughed, which in turn made Courtney laugh. "...thanks for inviting me to ride horses," Violet said. "I like horseback," Courtney said as they continued down the path, "I like sitting on my high horse." *** Natasha was in the kitchen that night when Violet came home. Jay wasn't there, Corrine wasn't there, Noreen didn't even come over for dinner, it was just Nat and Violet. Violet peered into the kitchen to see her mother making something to eat, and she smiled at her daughter upon seeing her. "Hi honey!" she said, "You hungry?" "I ate a lot of trail mix and now I feel sick," Violet said, seating herself at the table; she sighed and looked around the kitchen, tossing her bangs from her eyes before asking, "mom, do you think I'm normal? Do you think Courtney is normal? She wants to have normal teenage girl experiences, and I just...I guess I don't understand what she means." Natasha turned away from the stove, looking at her daughter. "I think she probably means the typical stuff that's expected from teenagers," she said, "You know, dating, stuff like that. You don't wanna do those things?" "I don't wanna date anyone, ew," Violet said, making Nat laugh. Natasha pulled her oven mitt off and walked over to the table, sitting down and reaching in, touching Violet on the face. Violet smiled at the physical attention from her mother and shut her eyes, just enjoying the touch on her skin. "Did you tell her what I told you? That normal is whatever or whoever you are?" she asked, and Violet nodded, so Nat patted her cheek and added, "That's my girl. Because it's not just some dweeby parentism, it's true. People turned the word 'normal' into an insult at some point, and I'm aiming to teach people that when they're told they're not normal, what they're really being told is they aren't like the person insulting them, and that's a GOOD thing. Don't be like someone who insults others. Be the exact opposite and revel in your own normal." The oven beeped and Nat got up, walking briskly back to it as Violet got up and hugged her mom from behind, resting her face on her moms back. "I love you mom," she said. "I love you too honey," Nat said, smiling, "Dinner's done if you're hungry." Violet was in fact hungry, so she went upstairs, washed her hands and then came back down for dinner. As they sat there and ate, the first dinner in a while they'd had to themselves, Violet couldn't help but feel good about just having her mom to herself again, even if just for tonight. "So what did you do today?" she asked. "You know," Nat said, skewering a piece of broccoli and popping it into her mouth, "normal girl stuff." Violet smiled.
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Violet hated water.
She liked it when it rained, but otherwise she hated water, and she especially hated water in communal situations; pools, the beach, etc. She just felt uncomfortable around all these people in their hideous swimsuits, and she felt self conscious in her own one piece, sitting on the side of the pool, just kicking her feet gently in the water. She heard footsteps, and looked to see Courtney approaching her, seating herself and handing Violet a soda she'd gotten from the machine inside. Courtney twisted the cap off her own and took a long drink. "I'm so glad it's summer," Courtney said, "I mean, the heat sucks, but it's nice to not be in school." "Yeah, school does suck," Violet replied, opening her own soda and sipping some. For the past few months, Violet had been seeing a speech therapist, recommended by Noreen, to help her with her stuttering and difficulty with words. It had been paying off, as Violet hadn't found herself stuttering or stammering anywhere near as much as she once had, and she was feeling better about herself. She kicked the water again a bit, and looked back at Courtney. "Do you wanna stay over tonight?" Violet asked. "Okay," Courtney said, smiling, "We could get BBQ for dinner. It is summer, after all. You have to eat BBQ in the summer, it's, like, the law or something." Violet laughed as an older boy - maybe two years older - walked past them and said hello before climbing up the ladder on the lifeguard tower. Courtney couldn't help herself but stare, biting her lip. After a minute, she focused her attention back to Violet. "Is your mom home?" she asked, "She won't mind if I stay over?" "Nah, she likes you," Violet said. Indeed she did, this much Courtney knew full well. After all, not that Violet knew this, Nat had offered to pay for Courtney's medical needs when she had the money necessary, and judging how well things had been going, that should be anytime now. Courtney smiled at the idea of spending the night in the Simple household. It always felt warm and welcoming, unlike her home. Ever since her mother was gone, her home hadn't felt the same, so she always appreciated having a stand in mother like figure to fall back on, and Natasha was nothing if not loving. *** "A book?" Nat asked, sitting with Corrine on the couch in the editing bay at the studio. The studio was in actuality simply a small building on a lot they'd rented out for production, and they'd since moved all of Corrine's editing equipment into it so she didn't have to edit at the college anymore. It wasn't an enormous building, but it had everything they required to continue producing the show at a profit, since the price of rent was just right. Plus, with the subscription model Jay had implemented on the site, not to mention sales from the merch store, Nat was in better financial shape than she maybe had ever been in her whole life. "Yeah, you know, everyone who works in TV eventually writes a book," Jay said, putting his feet up on a stool and putting his hands behind his head, adding, "like, you could really delve further into the topics you cover on the program, but with more detail. Really get into these things, maybe help people." "I'm not a writer," Nat said, "That's why I wing everything." "We could hire a ghost writer. You tell them what you wanna say, and they mesh it into something workable, publishable," Jay said. "Question," Corrine said, raising her hand, "...why's a book a good idea?" "Because it helps further her presence. When the show is off air, as it is during the summer, it's important to remind those who might otherwise forget about you that you're still here, and that you'll be back," Jay said. "If they forget about her because she vanishes for a few months then are they even really fans?" Corrine asked, making Nat chuckle. "It's just a suggestion, jeez," Jay said. "I appreciate your ideas," Nat said, "I do, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am about that. I like the medium I am in and I chose it for a reason. The kind of things I say require a visual, not just text. I don't want to water down my message simply for the hope of a few more dollars." Nat's watched beeped, and she looked at it before nodding and standing up, stretching. "I have to go, I'm having lunch with my sister," she said, "Anyone care to join?" "I don't wanna intrude, plus I have things to set up here still," Jay said. "I don't mind intruding. Free food is good food," Corrine said, standing up as Nat laughed and walked to Jay, kissing him on the head before she and Corrine exited the room. They headed down the hall and out the building into the parking lot. Corrine climbed into Nat's car in the passenger seat as Nat got into the drivers seat and pushed the key into the ignition. Corrine put her seatbelt on and Nat sighed. "I hope I wasn't too harsh on him," Nat said. "I don't think you can be too harsh on him. I don't think he feels things like judgement. I think he just rolls with it," Corrine said, "Now, someone like me, I feel judgement in every single thing said to me, even in the times when there is no judgement I will sense it. I will create judgement out of no judgement. But I suppose that's what comes from a lifetime of being judged." Nat wanted to say something, but she wasn't sure what. She knew Corrine's relationship with her parents was rough, but she also didn't want to pry. Instead she just said she understood, and drove in silence. Noreen had suggested they meet a bistro downtown - Noreen was a big sandwich fan and it was something that Corrine could find something to eat as well - so Nat parked across the street and she and Corrine walked over. They found Noreen almost instantly. She was seated by a window, in a brightly colored striped sweater and jeans, her hair in duel buns. She smiled at the girls as they sat down at the table with her. "Hi Corrine," Noreen said. "Yes, hello, good afternoon," Corrine replied. "I hope our lunch isn't interrupting anything important," Noreen said. "Oh, please, like anything I do is important," Nat said, making Corrine chuckle; Nat slid her overshirt off and hung it on the back of her chair then asked, "Have you ordered anything yet, or?" "No, I figured I'd wait for you guys so we could order together," Noreen said, "what are your plans for the summer?" "I'm just going to try and relax," Nat said, "Honestly, I've been working myself to the bone. I need some time off. Recoup and all that. Not that that means I'm not thinking of ideas or anything during this time. Just means that I'm not working 24/7 as usual. In fact, we were just at the studio talking shop, so." "And you?" Noreen asked, looking at Corrine, who just shook her head. Corrine had been planning to go to Hawaii to see her girlfriend, but a week before leaving the trip was suddenly cancelled and she hadn't talked about it since. Nat let her keep the money she'd given her, because that was a gift more than anything, but she hadn't pried. Curious as she may have been, she felt she shouldn't intrude that overtly into Corrine's private life. She felt when Corrine was ready, if ever, she'd tell her. "Sleep. I like sleep," Corrine said, "Nat's got the right idea. Rest." "Maybe you guys should get a bed at the studio so you can take naps together," Noreen said, making Nat raise an eyebrow as she glanced at Corrine, who blushed. "What do you say?" Nat asked, "I'm open to trying anything at least once." *** When Courtney and Violet got back to the house, Nat still wasn't there. This was good, actually. This meant they could take some time to get settled in before she got home and they asked about dinner. The girls went upstairs to Violet's bedroom and played music while Courtney, true to her word, helped Violet learn how to properly apply makeup. After a while, Courtney stepped back and looked at her work, as Violet looked at herself in the vanity mirror. "I look...pretty," Violet said. "You have good bone structure in your face, and that helps a lot," Courtney said, "Honestly, a lot of girls would kill to have the kind of face you do. You take my advice and you'll have a boyfriend in no time." Courtney started packing up some of the makeup, as Violet stared at herself in the mirror. She cleared her throat, then lowered her voice. "I don't know that I want a boyfriend," she said. "Oh?" "I don't know that I want anyone," she followed up with, "I just...I don't understand romance and how you feel compelled to be with someone like that. That much intimacy is terrifying to me. I don't even really find people attractive. I feel weird, like there's something else wrong with me." "There's nothing wrong with you, Vi, some people just...aren't wired that way," Courtney said, putting the makeup bag down and sitting on the bed cross legged, adding, "It's totally fine if you are. If anything it'll make life easier I'd say. Less bull to deal with. Unlike me. That guy at the pool, the lifeguard who's about our age, god...I wanna get to know him. He's so cute." "He is?" Violet asked. "Yeah! And he's always really nice to me the few times we've talked," Courtney said, "I was thinking of maybe trying to be a lifeguard. Or, like, a helper or something. That way I could spend more time with him during the summer." Violet didn't respond. She didn't want to say anything that might hurt Courtney's feelings, so she just looked back at herself in the mirror, admiring her face. Her entire life she didn't have a single friend except her mother, and she felt protective of Courtney, and now it seemed like she might lose her to some random boy. This was going to be a bad summer, Violet could feel it. Eventually, Nat came home, Corrine in tow, and they agreed to get BBQ for dinner. Even Corrine had some, which surprised Nat considering her aversion to eating most things, but Corrine stuck mostly to one particular item, so. After dinner, the girls watched movies upstairs in Violet's bedroom, while Corrine and Nat sat downstairs, eating cookies from a box and watching music videos on mute. As Corrine dug into the box and pulled a handful of cookies out, Nat glanced over and sighed. "So," Nat said, "Um, about what Noreen asked, I was wondering the same thing." "What, you wanna sleep with me?" Corrine asked, making Nat laugh. "No! God no, I mean, no offense, you're cute and all but no, but about the summer in general," Nat said, "You know, what your plans might be and stuff. I know you canceled your trip to the islands, and I just...I wanna make sure you're okay. Is everything okay?" Corrine stopped chewing and looked at Nat, keeping eye contact for once. "You don't have to mother me," she said sternly. "But I like mothering you!" Nat replied. "I just didn't go. That's all there is to it," Corrine said, "Who cares what the reason is. It just didn't happen. I'd rather stay here and work on things anyway. I like to spend most of my spare time in the editing station at the studio. Learning some of the new equipment is going to take some time, and I'd rather get familiar with it now than before the new stuff starts being made." Natasha sighed and looked away back at the TV. Corrine put the cookie box down on the couch and folded her arms, her long black shiny hair covering her face, and Nat was surprised when she heard her start to cry. Nat didn't say anything, but after a minute Corrine - surprising Nat to the nth degree - climbed across the couch and laid her head in Nat's lap, sobbing. Natasha, surprised but not shaken, stroked her hair and just held her. "It's okay," Nat said, "You're okay here. Whatever happened, you're okay here." Between Corrine, Violet and Courtney, when had Natasha become a mother to three? *** "Do you think I'm a good mother?" Natasha asked as she and Jay lay in bed one morning. "Yeah, I do," Jay said, "Why do you ask?" "I don't know, sometimes I worry that I'm not, that I'm too focused on helping everyone else instead of just being with my own daughter," Nat said, "but like...the other night, Corrine just started crying on my couch, and I just had to hold her for a while, and it just made me feel like I'm more a mom to other people and while it feels good to be there for these folks, it also makes me worry about my relationship with Violet." "The mere fact that you worry about whether or not you're a good mother, and don't just take it on assumption that you are, is enough proof that you're a good mother. Those who automatically believe they are would never second guess themselves. They'd consider themselves infallible. But you're always striving for more, asking to be better. That's enough for me." Nat smiled and looked up at the ceiling, sighing. "...when I got pregnant, I was scared that I wouldn't know what to do. That I wouldn't do the right things or that I'd do the right things in the worst possible way. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a mom, honestly. But I think a lot of women go through that, so. Even still, I hated questioning myself. I want to be self assured and confident, but more often than not I'm worried that I'm screwing everything up in ways I can't notice until it's too late." "Nat," Jay said, leaning on his elbow, "a year ago you dissed an entire school assembly because they didn't treat your daughter kindly, you dissed their parents failings to their faces, and you're letting your daughter see her father even though your relationship with the man crumbled and burned. You always put her first. Please don't ever think anything less." Natasha smiled as Jay leaned over her and kissed her, running his hand up her face and into her hair. "You're a good woman, it's just that society has conditioned women to believe the worst about themselves," he said quietly, "so listen to those who know you best. You're great, and you do great, and I love you." Natasha blushed and leaned up, kissing him back. It was hard to argue with him. Besides, she couldn't risk making him angry. He ran all her camera equipment and he'd be expensive to replace. |
About
Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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