"Okay," Sharla said, entering the bedroom, "this is sad. This can't go on. There's headcases and then there's you, and I'm sorry but I refuse to have someone as unglued as you be my friend as it reflects poorly on me so someone needs to bring you back up and I guess that's up to me."
"Wow," Nat said, lying in bed in shorts and a tank top, "You should be a motivational speaker. I feel so much better now." "Get up," Sharla said, walking further in and gathering clothes from the floor, loading them into a nearby hamper, then opening the closet and digging through things, "We're going out. We're going to get you an outfit, and Jay and I are gonna take you out to get your mind off things. It's been weeks since Violet moved out, and I know it hurts, but this cannot go on." "Why can't it?" "Because you're depressing everyone." "Oh, okay," Nat said, "I get it now." "Get in the shower, do your hair, your makeup, I'll find you a-" "I'm not showering, I'm not dirty, I'm just lazy and unkempt," Natasha replied, "and I don't need makeup and my hair is fine. And if you're gonna drag me out of the house against my will, then I'm wearing whatever I want so I want sweatpants and a lose t-shirt with a horrible logo on it." "Sweetheart, no," Sharla said, looking back at her from the closet over her shoulder, "I'm sorry, but I can't let you go out like that. If you were terminally ill and really had nothing to live for anymore, that'd be one thing, but no. This is just a bump in the ride. You'll get past this." Nat had trouble hiding her appreciation for Sharla's dry wit, but she tried her best as she climbed off the bed and headed into the bathroom. If nothing else, she'd wash her face, comb her hair and put on some eyeliner. She had always liked the way eyeliner looked on her. As she stared at herself in the mirror, she could swear she saw her mothers face staring back at her for a moment, and it terrified her. She wasn't that old. Not that getting old bothered her in the slightest, but if there was one person she never wanted to resemble, it was her own mom. Especially not this young in life. *** "Nice space," Ashley said as she entered Corrine's workshop at the studio, "It's lovely, and open, yeah, you can do a lot with this. Or rather I can do a lot with this." She entered further and tossed her purse down on the couch, then walked around the room, looking at it. Corrine stood nervously by her editing equipment, trying not to watch, but enamored all the same. Ashley stopped, hands on her hips, nodding at what she saw. "This has potential," she said, "We could make this a pseudo live in studio. That way you won't have to stay at home all the time. We could put a little homey nook in here with a little basic frame bed and all sorts of stuff. That way you can stay and work but also live comfortably. Do you feel like you're taking advantage of my sister, staying with her? Is that why you asked for my help?" "I...I don't know, I feel weird I guess, sure," Corrine said, "Like...I've never lived with someone and had it be a positive experience, you know? So for her to treat me well, yeah, it does feel odd. But also I like being alone, and I like working, so I'd prefer to stay here sometimes. Especially with the way she's been lately since Violet let...oof." Ashley nodded, pursing her lips. She walked back to Corrine and, pushing some of her bangs from her eyes, looked at her dead on. "Violet misses her mom, like, a hell of a lot," Ashley said softly, "she won't openly admit it, exactly, but it's obvious, and I've heard her say things to Stephen that are almost outright acknowledgement, so. We've tried to convince her to go home, but she's so angry. The thing is, I don't even think she's angry at her exactly, I think she's just angry in general. The world dealt her a shitty hand in every other aspect except her mother, and she has every right to be angry. That friend of hers...uh..." "Courtney?" "Yeah, her, thanks...she comes over from time to time and you can tell Violet is oddly jealous of her. Courtney gets to live a so called ordinary teenage life, and Violet isn't allowed that, and she's aware of it. I think it's the recognition of her limitations that bother her far more than the limitations themselves. That she's aware of what she cannot do. If she was so slow that she couldn't be aware of it, I think somehow that'd make her happier, but she isn't and she is and that fucks her up."i "...are you a psychologist?" Corrine asked, "Cause boy I could use some therapy." Ashley threw her head back and laughed loudly, shaking her head, one hand on her collarbones. "No, no, I just...I know what it's like, you know? To be hyper aware of what society considers your flaws and whatnot. I..." she started, then stopped, then walked to the couch and sat down, sighing as she continued, "...oh boy. One of the reasons I agreed to help you with this was because I felt like I could relate to you, because I've felt weird about Stephen and myself ever since my health got better, and it's bothering me." "Why's it bothering you?" Corrine asked, sitting down beside her. "When I got sick, you know, I was...I hate to admit it but I was sort of there for the taking, if you know what I mean. I was desperate. Willing. I needed someone to care about me. Stephen gave me that. But that love wasn't really returned in earnest, because what I needed was to know someone cared before I died, but then I didn't die, and now I feel guilty about trapping him like this because...being so close to death makes you reassess who you thought you were as a person, like, on a fundamental level, you know?" "Can't say I do, never been that close to death, but please go on," Corrine said, making Ashley chuckle. "Well, it does, and analyzing our relationship during illness vs after illness has made me acutely aware of a few revelatory things," Ashley said, "the first of which is that Stephen likes damaged women. He and Nat met during a rough time in her life where she was struggling to find something to do with her life and wasn't getting along with our folks. Then he came to me when I got sick and she didn't need him the way she once did. He likes damaged women. I don't think it's intentional, nor do I think he knows it, but it's true. And he's not taking advantage of anyone. He likes to feel needed, and to help. It's all coming from a good place, I can tell, but it doesn't change the fact that that's the kind of woman he pursues, not out of genuine love but out of a necessity." "...I think I know what you mean," Corrine said, "I got dumped this summer, by a longtime partner, and it...it fucked me up, but it made me realize that she was too under the thumb of her own mother, and she would never be in a happy relationship unless she broke free of that." "Right, exactly, you get it. These flaws, they need to be broken and rebuilt," Ashley said, "but Stephen's only half the issue here, because I'm also to blame. I looked to someone familiar for comfort, not for something else I really needed. All you've heard so far is Natasha's side of the story and, let's face facts, she has every right to be angry but it isn't the whole picture as you're not brutally aware." Ashley sighed and looked down at her hands in her laps, her perfectly manicured french tip nails. "...I decorate because it helps me retain a sense of control," she said, "same reason Nat does what she does. When you grow up in a household that takes control of any kind away from you, you sort of fight to keep what little control you eventually get back. When I was sick, when I was spending a lot of time at the hospital, I started talking with this nurse. Around the time I got better, I didn't need to go anymore, and I missed talking to her. I started noticing things I'd never noticed. I started noticing people I'd never noticed. Checkout girls and waitresses. Stephen and I would be out somewhere for dinner, and I couldn't help but coyly flirt with the woman taking our drink orders. Compulsory heterosexuality is hell. See, the thing is, Nat fought to find herself because our folks so badly wanted us to be like them. They weren't bad parents, they just...were controlling, you know? I don't know how to explain it. They weren't abusive. They just had very rigid ideals for us and we failed to live up to them. So Nat railed against it all and she fought to discover who she was. I didn't have that kind of bravery. I stuck the path. I tried to be perfect for them." Corrine's breath felt caught in her chest, her hands sweaty. This was not what she'd expected when she'd invited Ashley over to help figure out redesigns for her work space. "...that's why I turned to Stephen. Compulsory heterosexuality mixed with fear of death mixed with the need for familiarity. It was a whole jumbled mess of garbage, and...and I was terrified, man, I was so scared. Now I'm scared for other reasons." "What makes you scared now?" Corrine asked. "You." The room was dead quiet. Corrine swore she could hear her own heartbeat. "I...I scare you?" she asked, almost laughing. "When you came into my house the other week with my sisters," Ashley said, turning to face her more, "I was instantly attracted to you. That's why I liked that you stayed behind to help clean up, so we could talk more. That's why I took this opportunity to come meet with you, because I wanted so badly to see you again." Corrine didn't know what to say. This had been one hell of a summer. Her longtime partner had dumped her rather unceremoniously and now she was being confessed to by the estranged sister of her boss. What a life she led now. "I'm sorry, I understand if this is awkward, I just-" "No, I...I feel the same way," Corrine said, forcing the words out of her, "I found you really attractive immediately, but because of my professional relationship with Natasha, I wasn't sure if-" "Natasha has built her entire career out of telling people to do what they have to in order to be happy," Ashley whispered, reaching forward and touching Corrine's face, making her turn sheet white, "...don't you wanna do what you have to in order to be happy? Cause I sure do." Corrine didn't know how what happened next actually happened. She would try to recall it later, but it all seemed so jumbled. She could vaguely remember Ashley leaning in and pressing her lips against hers, pushing her onto her back and climbing on top of her, kissing her more passionately and yet so gently than she'd ever been kissed before. And she could vaguely remember not stopping her or complaining once, because this was all she wanted right now. To hell with it, she thought afterwards, we'll decorate the room another day. *** "There is nothing worse to me than being a non alcohol consuming person in a bar," Sharla said, as she, Nat and Jay sat at a table together and ate snacks and drank drinks. Jay chuckled at this statement, and even Nat cracked a smile; Sharla continued, "I just don't drink, I'm too health conscious and I hate the taste of it anyway, and yet everytime I go on dates, or just go out for fun, some dickhead has to push alcohol on me. 'Just try it! It's fun!', like, yeah, so is a root canal." "Jesus," Jay muttered, laughing as he and Natasha ate from the same basket of nachos. "It is exhausting, the social exhibition one has to endure in order to participate," Nat said, "that's why I never thought it was worth it. Find one or two good friends and ignore everyone else. Don't get sucked into that world of unnecessary societal norms. Just be who you are with who you want and be happy." "Has that worked well for you?" Sharla asked. "Well, when I finally find those two people, I'll let you know," Nat said, all three of them laughing now. Natasha was thankful Sharla had dragged her out of the house. She'd been working nonstop lately, and she'd been so upset about Violet, so she was, in hindsight, grateful to her friends, not that she'd ever admit it outright. She was much too prideful for that sort of display of appreciation. But she didn't need to anyway, Jay and Sharla knew. And while Nat was having a good time, unbeknownst to her her own daughter was doing the same thing. She was with Courtney and her lifeguard boyfriend at a nearby bowling alley, actually enjoying being sociable for a change. Both Simple girls were having a great time, and neither one knew the other one was doing so. If Nat could've seen her daughter, she would've realized how alike they truly were, and how proud she was of her for coming as for as she had. The Simple girls - Violet, Nat, Noreen and Ashley - had been through a lot in life, but the funny thing is, they all came out the other end relatively unscathed. There's something to be said about just being yourself, Nat thought.
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"She was at my wedding," Nat said, "She was right there, right next to me. She helped me get ready, she helped me plan the entire thing, she helped pick out my dress, and then she steals my husband and I'm supposed to just be okay with all of it?"
Corrine shrugged. She didn't even understand why she was going to this to begin with, nor was she interested in giving advice on something she had no experience in. "You of all people should know what it's like to be hurt," Nat said. "There's different levels of different hurt," Corrine replied, "what happened to me isn't what happened to you, nor should they be viewed as such. My relationship didn't end because they wanted to be with someone else, it ended for entirely different reasons. And you put all the blame on your sister, why doesn't Stephen get any of the blame?" "He does," Natasha said, turning down a street and slowing the car down to a crawl as they approached her sisters house, "he does, I just...the thing is, Stephen's just a guy I met at some point in my life, but she was my sister, my own flesh and blood, the one person in this world I thought I could trust and depend on more than anyone else, you know? That level of betrayal from someone that close to you...it's devastating." Corrine couldn't argue with that, at least. As the car came to a stop in front of Ashley's house, Nat turned around in her seat and looked at Noreen in the back. "What about you?" she asked, "Got any input?" "I've never met the woman, therefore I cannot give a detailed opinion as such. But I appreciate you giving me a ride," she said. "You shouldn't be poisoning your own sisters mind against her other sister before she's even had a chance to meet her," Corrine said, "that isn't fair. Let her come up with her own beliefs about her from their personal interactions." Nat scoffed, then climbed out of the car. She walked around to the back and opened the trunk, pulling out a small bag, while Noreen undid her seatbelt and looked at Corrine, who was picking something out of her teeth using the rearview mirror to see. "Why did she bring you anyway?" Noreen asked. "I have no idea," Corrine said, "but this should be a fun afternoon." *** Natasha and Ashley Simple had been born only two years apart. This meant they essentially grew up as children together, and did everything together. When they were little, they didn't play with other children, only eachother, and as they got older, that bond only seemed to strengthen. They shared a bedroom until they were almost teenagers, and once they had their own bedrooms in the new house, they still preferred to spend all their time together in the same room. It was hard to keep the girls apart. One summer, their parents separated them and sent Nat to see some relatives and sent Ash to a local summer camp. Neither went well, and neither had a good time. It wasn't until they were back home that the summer was enjoyable again for everyone. Their parents pretty quickly learned just how attached the girls were to eachother, and in the end, wound up considering themselves lucky that they had a pair of siblings who didn't hate one another. Everything Nat had said was true, too. Ashley had helped plan the wedding, had helped pick out the dress, all of those things, and then she took Stephen away. Nat knew Stephen was partially to blame, and hell, she even knew she wasn't totally infallible, but in the end, all her ire wound up being directed primarily towards Ashley. Now Ashley wanted to have a sit down with all three sisters, clear the air and start anew, but Natasha wasn't ready to start anew. She still wanted to be angry. She wanted to be angry forever. But that wouldn't be fair to Noreen. So she put her feelings aside and agreed to the meet up at Ashley's, if for no other reason than for Noreen to get to know her other sister, because Natasha loved her sisters, adopted or otherwise. *** "Where's Violet?" Nat asked upon entering, handing Ashley the bag as Corrine and Noreen followed her inside. "Stephen took her out while we're doing this," Ash said, "he didn't think she would wanna be here for this. Did you bring pastries? That's so domesticated of you." "I'm not a wild dog, dude," Nat said. Ash chuckled as she shut the door once the others were inside, then introduced herself. "Hello," she said, holding her hand out to shake, "I'm Ashley." "Corrine," Corrine said, shaking her hand, "I'm a friend of Nat's." Ash then looked at Noreen and put a hand to her mouth. "God," she whispered, "you look JUST like mom." "I do?" Noreen asked, giddy. "Yeah, she's right, you do," Nat added, "it's almost eerie." "You have a nice place," Corrine said, shoving her hands into her coat pockets as she walked through the house, Ashley on her heels; Noreen and Nat made their way to the kitchen to make some coffee, leaving Corrine and Ashley alone. "Thank you!" Ashley said, "I like doing interior design. It's nice to have, ya know, control over your surroundings. It starts out when you're a kid and you get to decorate your own bedroom, you know, and then it blossoms into decorating an entire house. I mean, maybe not everyone feels that way, but I sure do." "No, I get what you mean," Corrine said, "life is so messy, so...undeniably messy that it's nice to have some kind of control in some way on some level. I never got to decorate my bedroom, actually. My parents didn't let me have a whole lot of freedom, so." "Really? That's...sad, actually," Ash said, "I'm sorry." "It's alright. I put all that energy into making myself cool instead," Corrine said, giving Ashley finger guns and making her laugh. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Natasha was getting the coffee maker to brew while Noreen was leaning against the counter and looking at all the kitchen decorations. "She seems nice," Noreen said. "Yeah, so do serial killers," Nat replied. "...can I ask you a question, about...well...about your family? Our family?" "Of course, what do you wanna know?" "Would mom and dad like me if they met me?" Noreen asked, and Nat sighed as she too turned away from the brewing coffeemaker and leaned against the counter, folding her arms. "...I don't know," Natasha said, "but it's nothing personal, they just...they don't really like anyone but eachother, and even then I question that. Mom and dad are weird, that was why Ashley and I got so close was because we needed someone to rely on, you know? Mom and dad were always distant and aloof. Not cruel, don't get me wrong, they weren't cold or mean or nasty or anything like that, they just...were never really parents, if that makes sense? They took care of us, they clothed us, fed us, got us a good education, but..." Nat took a moment and chewed on her fingernails. "...when Violet was little, like 4 or 5, you know, she'd come into the bedroom in the mornings and she'd...she'd climb into the bed with Stephen and I and she'd lay there with us. We'd all lay there. We'd do things with her, as a family. Even when she got older, like 9, we still did things with her. Took her places, introduced her to things, had specific family nights where we ordered in food and watched kids movies together, and it was always a great time. Those are the kinds of memories Ashley and I don't have with mom and dad, you know? Those memories that ensure that your parents truly enjoyed having you around." Noreen nodded, listening closely as Nat's voice cracked a little, on the verge of tears. "I think that's partially why I started the show, was to show others out there that someone cared about them, and that they should care about themselves too. When you have parents, but you don't have parents, it makes the world feel so much colder and empty and sad. Here are the very people who gave life to you, and yet they don't really care much for your company. Kinda hurts, you know?" "I understand," Noreen said, "that must be why her stealing Stephen hurt so much." "Exactly. That's what Corrine doesn't understand," Natasha said, "Ashley was my everything, even more than Stephen. She's who I told all my dreams and secrets too, she's the only person I had that resembled family in any kind of manner, and to have her do what she did, it killed me inside." "Well, maybe today we can resuscitate the part of you that die," Noreen said, making Natasha smirk. After a bit, Natasha and Noreen brought coffee into the living room, where Ashley and Corrine were seated, laughing and chatting. Ashley had opened the small box of pastries and set them on the coffee table. Nat and Noreen sat down and handed Ashley and Corrine their coffee, then waited for the conversation to be over. After a minute or two of wrapping up their discussion, Ashley finally turned and looked at her sisters. "...I need to tell you right out the gate how sorry I am," Ashley said, "because...because what happened wasn't okay, and I've felt terrible about it the entire time, and a lot of times I've considered ending things between him and I just because of that but then I think how awful that'd be for him cause he wouldn't have anyone else to go back to and-" "I don't want your apology," Nat said, interrupting, "I don't need apologies. I need explanation. I need a reason. What could've possibly possessed you to do what you did? You were my best friend, my sister, how could you-" "I was jealous. You had a husband, a career, a child...but it wasn't strictly jealousy. Sure, I wanted part of what you had, but you were always better than me, always knew what to do with yourself and your life and how to be with others," Ashley said, "I didn't, so I had to take what you had and claim it as my own. But, like I said, that wasn't my only reason....a few weeks after your wedding, I...I started having these painful headaches. Eventually they got so bad, I had to see a doctor, but I couldn't drive there myself cause I was afraid I'd crash, so I asked Stephen to drive me. I had brain cancer." The room was silent, as Natasha, Noreen and even Corrine sat in shock. "...what?" Nat asked. "I had brain cancer, and it didn't look good at first," Ashley said, "so I started drafting up a will, and making plans for what would be left when I was gone, but until then I decided I wanted just a part of what you had, since I'd never get the chance to experience it myself, so I talked to Stephen and after a while we started seeing one another. I know it's wrong, but my mindset was 'well, you'll be dead before or if it ever comes out anyway so where's the harm?'. Then I didn't die, and suddenly my homewrecking decision had lasting consequences. I tried to end things numerous times, but Stephen started telling me how you had given yourself to your job instead of him, and I think he felt left out, and things just escalated from there." Corrine looked from Ashley to Nat, raising an eyebrow. "So it wasn't meant to hurt you, really it wasn't, I just wanted to feel lucky enough to have just a bit of what you had, if only for a brief amount of time before I was gone," Ashley said, wiping her eyes on her sleeve while Corrine rubbed her back; Ashley continued, "I wanted to tell you so long ago, but Stephen...I don't know, he didn't want to for some reason. Stephen is so...needy." Natasha cracked up, which surprised both Noreen and Corrine - the latter of which gave her a strange look - but Ashley laughed too, much to their surprise. "He's got, like, emotional insecurity or something," Ash said, "like, you know how we're kinda messed up because mom and dad were distant? He's got it like ten fold." "He really does," Nat said, "but I liked that about him, that was why we were drawn to one another, and I'm assuming it's the same for you." "It was, yeah," Ash said, "but I realize now you're worth much more, and I can't go through my life without my sister. You have every right to hate me, and to never wanna speak to me again, but..." she glanced at Noreen and added, "I figured, with another sister, we might be able to form some kind of bond again. If Noreen is interested." They all looked at Noreen, who smiled warmly. "All my life," she said, "all I ever wanted was a sister. I was happy with my parents, even after they told me I was adopted. I didn't crave to know my actual parents. But I always wanted a sibling. So yeah, if you'd let me be a part of the family, I'd like to help you all rebuild it." Things had gone surprisingly well, even if the truth shocked Nat to her core. Her own sister had come so close to death, yet had never mentioned it? She told Ash later that afternoon that she was a thousand times braver than she could ever hope to be, and just how proud of her she was. She even told Ash that she had a friend she worked with named Sharla who was a health nut who could help her take care of herself, which Ashley didn't object to. After a while, Nat said she should take Noreen home, but Corrine offered to stay behind and help Ashley clean up. Nat said she wouldn't be so long, and she'd come back for her. Corrine helped Ashley pick up all the pastry containers, and put them into the box, then took the coffee mugs into the kitchen. As Ashley washed the mugs in the sink and Corrine put the garbage in the can, she turned and looked at Ashley. "She seems to consider you her best friend," Ashley said, "I'm glad she was able to find someone else to fill that void." "You think? You think I'm her best friend?" Corrine asked, "...she is letting me stay with her, and she did give me a lot of money, and she did hire me. I guess you're right. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. I know what it's like to have someone drop you because of the opinion of another." "Yeah, well, it won't be an issue much longer anyway," Ashley said, "Stephen and I are struggling. I think we trauma bonded, and now that the trauma is gone, the bond isn't as strong. That and..." A pause. Corrine leaned against the counter next to Ashley and tossed her hair, looking at her. "And what?" she asked. "...nothing, it doesn't matter," Ashley said, checking her watch, "I can drop you off, save her a trip. I'll call her and tell her." "You don't have to-" "I want to," Ashley said, leaving the room to call Nat. As she watched her leave, Corrine felt at peace for the first time in a while. She was included in a family, albeit not her own, and she was the best friend to someone. So then why did she feel so awkward at the same time? Maybe it was because she was undeniably, overwhelmingly attracted to Ashley from the moment she saw her. No. She had to ignore it. She'd already seen the damage that had been done, she couldn't contribute to that more. Then again, she wondered, Natasha had always spread a message about not being ashamed of what you need, and she needed something more than what she had. Natasha was lying on Violet's bed, staring at the ceiling. The house was eerily quiet, and she didn't know what to do with herself. She rolled onto her side and looked at the stuffed giraffe Violet had forgotten to take, the one she'd gotten at the zoo when she was a little girl. Nat figured she'd bring it to her sometime soon, after she'd gotten settled in at her fathers. She knew Violet would want it. She heard the door open slowly and she looked up a bit to see Corrine standing there, sipping juice from a small glass.
"...are you okay?" she asked softly. "I don't know," Nat said, "I think that's what bothers me the most, is I'm not even sure how I feel about this." Corrine entered and sat on the bed, pulling her long unkempt hair back into a ponytail and sighing. "...I think it's fair to not know what to feel, you know? It's understandable to feel uncertain about your feelings," she said, "this is a messed up weird situation, it only makes sense that you wouldn't know what to do when it happens because you never expected it to happen. I certainly didn't know how to feel after she left me this summer. I...I was upset, sure, but on some other hand, I was weirdly happy to be free of it? Everything is so confusing all the time." Natasha sat up, posted on her elbows, and looked around the room. "I remember when we first decorated this bedroom," Nat said, smiling weakly, "it's weird, with kids people always talk about the big things - their first day of school, their graduation, their birth - but it's the small stuff, the seemingly mundane, that you remember the most. The days when you just are together, play together, decorate a bedroom. Those are the days that I recall with the most clarity." Corrine reached over and patted Nat's shoulder, and Nat smiled more, reaching up and holding her hand. "She'll come home," Corrine said, "trust me, she'll come home." "I know she will," Nat said, "...I just wish she didn't have to because I wish she'd never left." *** With Violet gone, Natasha suddenly found herself throwing herself into her work like never before. She'd always been somewhat of a workaholic, a trait that had only gotten worse in the last year or so since her fame had skyrocketed, but now...now she found herself at the studio all the time. As she parked today and walked inside, she was surprised when she found, of all people, Sharla there, in her workout attire, sitting on a medicine ball and sipping a shake. As Nat entered the room, Sharla wiped at her eyes, and then waved. "...everything okay? What are you doing here?" Nat asked, pulling her jacket off and tossing it onto the couch. "Just, you know, trying to come up with routines," Sharla said, "Can't keep doing the same workouts every day. Eventually people catch on. They want variety." "Pffft, people just don't know what's good for them," Nat said as she sat on the floor beside the medicine ball, "can I ask you a question about your career?" "Of course." "Do you do what you do for you, or for the benefit of helping others? I'm not saying it's inherently bad to be selfish, self care is selfish no matter what anyone else might tell you, but do you genuinely believe in and enjoy helping others with what you do? Did you start out doing this for your own health, or?" Sharla took a long sigh and squinted, clearly thinking hard about her response. After a few minutes, while Natasha looked at her nails while waiting, Sharla finally replied. "I guess it's a mixture of both. I mean, I wanna stay in shape for myself, obviously, but I also think health is an important thing that a lot of people don't take seriously enough, and I'm all for body positivity, don't get me wrong, I'm happy if people feel comfortable in a body that isn't considered conventionally attractive, but there comes a time when those two reach a very grey area, and some people don't realize that while it's fine to be heavyset, and be happy about it, it can also be unhealthy. And there's no shame in that, either. One's a body type and one's a health crisis. They can co-exist." Nat nodded, listening intently, pulling her legs to her chest and hugging them. "But I do think I do a lot of what I do for me, yes," Sharla said, taking another sip of her shake, "and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. Celebrities, even well meaning celebrities, are doing some of what they do because they want recognition. I'll admit it. But it depends on what you do with that celebrity status, not what your original intentions were. You can be the most famous movie star in the world, but as long as you continue to donate money to worthy causes and live within the means of a so called 'ordinary citizen', then nobody can really judge you too harshly. It's when you put the needs of a solid gold pool over the needs of the less fortunate that things become murky." Nat nodded, taking it in. She thought about Violet. She thought about how she'd put Violets needs behind those of other people in her life. She should've focused more on her daughter, and she could see that now. She just had gotten so caught up in things... "I'm gonna write a book," Nat said, "Well, I'm gonna get someone to help me ghostwrite a book. I'm gonna set things straight once and for all, and tell people I am not someone to be either envied or imitated." "That sounds like a smart plan," Sharla said. "My daughter moved out," Nat said, her voice cracking. "What?" "My daughter moved in with her father," Nat said, her eyes watery now. "Oh honey," Sharla said, reaching down and patting the top of Nat's head, "I'm so sorry. I'm sure she'll come back." "That's what everyone's told me, and I appreciate the well wishing but...a part of me can't help but feel that I wish people would tell me she might not, and that I should be okay with that too. She's her own person. She has her own feelings. She's not an extension of me, I don't live vicariously through her. I just want her to be happy, and if her happiness comes at the cost of losing my relationship with her, then so be it. Whatever it takes." Sharla felt her heart break a little, but she couldn't deny how thoughtful she felt that sentiment was. Nat truly just wanted what was best for her daughter, and who could fault her for that? She handed her shake to Nat, who took a sip and commented on how good it was. For someone she never expected to work with, Natasha was pretty fond of the fitness guru who'd wormed her way into her life. Turns out health nuts really do want the best for us, she thought. *** "I have no idea what this is, but it's delicious," Jay said, shoving another piece of sushi in his mouth, "that's the thing about Sushi, if I can't tell what it is, then I can't be disgusted by it can I? Once you tell me something is made of fish anus or something, then I'll be disgusted, but otherwise, it's all just some kind of meat and vegetables wrapped in rice and seaweed." "Do fishes have butts?" Corrine asked, sitting across the table from him, sipping soup broth from her bowl. "I don't know, but I intend to never find out, nor taste them," Jay said. The sound of a chair being pulled out surprised them both, but it was just Nat coming back from the bathroom. She took a long sigh, then cupped her hands on the table and looked down. "I wanted you both here because I decided to do what you thought was a good idea, Jay. I should get a ghostwriter and release a book, but not just a regular book, I wanna release a book that tells the readers why they should think for themselves and not listen to me or look to me for guidance. A book that pushes them away from me so they can become closer to themselves," Nat said, "thoughts?" Both Jay and Corrine were sitting there, each about to each a piece of sushi, as they exchanged a glance. Corrine popped her piece in her mouth and chewed, while Jay set his down on his plate and sighed. "...I...I mean, it's a noble idea, certainly," he said, "but-" "Could you help me find a ghostwriter?" Nat asked. "I suppose." "People need to realize I'm not to one to be idolized or revered or even admired. People need to find the strength in themselves, not in others, certainly not in me. I mean, if I can't even be there for my own daughter, how good can I be for other people?" Nat asked. That was a question that garnered no response, not that Nat was actually looking for one. *** She was asleep when the doorbell rang. Nat rolled over, realized she'd fallen asleep on the couch with the TV on mute, and heard the doorbell ring again. She groaned, the finally got up and made her way to the door, stumbling over her shoes. She yanked it open, and was surprised to see, of all people, Courtney standing on her porch. "Oh," she said, "Hi, come on in. You know Violet's not here, right?" "I'm aware, I came to see you," Courtney said as she entered, Nat shutting the door behind her. "Me?" "Yeah," Courtney said, "Uh...it's about what happened. About Violet. I've been to her dads a few times since she moved in, and...and I don't feel comfortable going there, honestly. The whole dynamic is weird. I mean, you might have already known that, but, I don't know. Anyway, I just wanna say that I think what she did was...maybe not the best idea. I mean, she wasn't wrong in that she felt ignored, but...maybe she left too hastily? As someone whose family was ripped apart, I guess I'm oddly protective of moms." Natasha smiled warmly. She'd always liked Courtney, and now seeing her here, without her daughter around to influence her attitude, she could truly appreciate Courtney for who she was. Nat sat down on the couch, Courtney sitting beside her, and ran her hands through her hair, exhaling as she did. "I appreciate that, I do," Nat replied, "but like you said, she wasn't wrong. I did my best but it wasn't enough and it probably wasn't even my best. Trust me though, I know how you feel. Neither of my parents died, but growing up I felt neglected while my sister got more attention than me, and as a result, I looked to other older women to substitute the mom role. Teachers, friends sisters, whatever. Whoever I could stamp that role onto, I would, because I so desperately needed a mom." Courtney nodded, listening. "...but the thing is, I wasn't neglectful, and it still wasn't enough. I certainly wasn't intentionally neglectful anyway. Willingly neglectful. I admit that perhaps I was on some level, but it was never on purpose. But maybe that's what hurt more. My mom veered adoration towards my sister, but I veered adoration towards everyone else. If Violet had had a sibling, maybe it'd have been more understanding, but to give that attention to absolute strangers? That had to hurt to watch." "...I just don't think she realizes how much you care, and caring can become an issue, I guess, but..." Courtney said, "...I'm jealous she has you as a mom, because you care so much about everything and everyone. But Violet isn't me, and I recognize that. Her needs are different than what my needs would be. She's special, and I know that." Nat nodded in agreement. "You think your mom would love you now?" Nat asked, "Not to pry or anything, but." "I think she would, dad said she would. Dad said that I'm braver than even my mom was," Courtney said, "and that she'd have recognized that bravery and respected it. Violet and I are different, that's why we're friends, but we're also different enough from one another for there to be some weird tension sometimes, and I just...I wanted you to know that even if she's mad at you, as she has every right to be, I'm not." Nat smiled, then pulled Courtney in for a hug. She asked Courtney if she'd like to stay for dinner, and she agreed. They ordered in a pizza and talked about her mom some more, and Nat felt some comfort in knowing that at least she could be some good kind of surrogate mother to someone in need. *** Violet was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The house was eerily quiet and she didn't know what to do with herself. She'd forgotten Topsy, her stuffed giraffe, and she felt sick about it. She needed him. Maybe she'd call her mom tomorrow and ask her to bring him over. She rolled onto her side, facing the window, and could hear her dad and aunt talking in the hall, just far enough away to not be able to make sense of it, but close enough to know that the tone indicated frustration. Everywhere she went, people seemed to be frustrated. She shut her eyes and tried not to cry. She missed her mom so much. After a little bit, she pulled out her laptop and opened the lid, logging onto the browser and finding her moms website. She watched a few videos, trying to appreciate what she could, but she found it so hard. She was so mad, but she was also mad that she was so mad, and then mad that that madness wouldn't subside. She felt confused, and sick. She wanted to go home, but nowhere felt like home anymore. She began to close the laptop, only to hear a ping sound, indicating she had an e-mail in her inbox. She switched over to her e-mail and noticed it was from Noreen. This lit her up a little. Violet opened the e-mail and read it to herself: "Heard what happened. I am here for you. You are loved. - Noreen." Violet then shut the lid and laid back down. She looked down to the side of the bed and noticed the little brown duffel bag she'd packed. She had become her father. She'd also walked out. For different reasons, certainly, but she had done it, and she hated herself for it, and that's what made her angriest of all. She was more mad at herself than she was at her mother, because society had conditioned her to believe her mother was perfect. She was great, no argument there, but perfection was not an attainable trait, and Violet knew that better than anyone. After all, it was something she'd been taught by her mom since the day she'd been born. People saw a filtered version of Natasha, while Violet saw the real thing, and while the images differed only slightly... ...those alterations made all the difference in opinion. |
About
Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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