"I fucked up," Nat said, sitting on the couch in the editing bay with Corrine, who was stuffing herself with a bag of chips while listening to Nat; she continued, "I fucked up in such a way that I'm not sure it can be undone. I always told her that I'd be there to pick her up from school, that she'd never have to ride the bus home, and on the rare occasion when I couldn't be lately, she could get a ride from Courtney, but she also wasn't there today and god dammit I'm a piece of shit."
"What's so bad about riding the school bus?" Corrine asked. "It's not the school bus proper," Nat replied, "...it...it's a shortbus. The first day we went to that school, she saw it and asked me why there was a different sized bus for other kids, and I told her it was for kids with developmental issues, but I also assured her that she would never have to ride it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with those kids as they are, but I also didn't want to decimate her self esteem, and now I've done just that." "Well," Corrine said, "...that's certainly a fuck up alright. How do you fix something like that?" "That's the million dollar question," Nat replied. "So, how did this happen? Where were you that you couldn't make it to school on time?" Corrine asked, crunching her chips, making Natasha sigh. Truth was...she was spending her day shopping, of all things. *** "Are you sure you wanna do this? I thought we were keeping it fairly casual," Jay said as he turned over a lamp to look at the price tag on the bottom and grimacing at it before setting it back down and adding, "Not that I'm, ya know, against something more secure, I just...I dunno." "If I wasn't sure I wouldn't have asked," Nat replied, moving a lampshade in circles to admire the pattern, "I have to move on with my life, and we're good together. We work together, we've known eachother for years, this is the right thing to do. I like you, and I rarely like people romantically." Jay smirked, appreciating the comment. He couldn't be happier than he was with where his life had gone. He was proud of the work he'd put into getting her website and new show off the ground, seeing the success it had granted her, and even now being her boyfriend. He put his arm around her waist and made her giggle as he pulled her close to him and kissed the side of her head. "I feel like I never do things for myself, you know?" she asked, "and this is the one time I want to do just that. So long as we're done in the next hour because I have to pick Violet up at school. What do you think about this lamp? I like this. It's old timey, and yet modern. I think it's a nice fit." "I personally don't have much emotional stake in lighting," Jay said, "Despite being a camera operator. What time is it anyway?" "Uh," Nat said, checking her watch, "about 1:30. Why?" "Hungry, looking forward to dinner," Jay said. "We just had lunch!" "I'm a man with a big appetite," Jay replied, shrugging, making her laugh again. One thing was for certain, her relationship with Jay was so much easier than it had ever been with her ex. At this point in her life, she'd take easy over effort any way. Nat was tired of putting effort into things that nobody else bothered putting effort into, and she was glad Jay was on the same page as she was. Simplicity was where it was at, really. *** "I didn't even know he was moving in," Corrine said, "...can...can he do that, like, while I'm staying with you?" "Well, he'll be sleeping in my room, with me, in my bed, so," Nat remarked, making Corrine nod. "Fair. So wait, you were late because you were shopping?" "I was late because my ex was a cheap son of a bitch," Nat said, though without context this statement only made Corrine all the more befuddled. She sat back and listened. She figured, after a bit, Nat would explain it all, and explain it all she did, boy. *** "So long as you don't change my shower curtain, I don't really mind whatever other improvements you make to the house," Nat said, "but that shower curtain covered in sharks stays where it is. Fucking with it is an act of war that will not be taken lightly." Jay laughed loudly as he ran his hand over a well packaged comforter and shook his head. "Don't worry, the last thing in the world I wanna do is change anything or upset the natural balance of your life," he said, "though, perhaps a new comforter would be a welcome change if nothing else. Yours is kinda scratchy." "You leave my comforter out of this," Nat said sternly, but grinning, making Jay smirk. The thing is...with her ex, Nat had never been able to have a faux combative relationship. It had always been 'perfect', until it wasn't, but the truth was it had never been perfect. If something seems too good to be true, chances were it probably was, and as she learned, this was the case. But this relationship with Jay, it was not only easy, but also fun. They could joke around, they could pretend to be annoyed, they could go shopping together just for the sake of it, not for an actual reason, and that was more than she ever had with her ex husband. "I suppose a new comforter isn't out of the question," Nat said, sighing, "that one is pretty old, and you're right, it is pretty scratchy. I'm all for upgrading to softness for the foreseeable future." She stopped, staring at Jay who was looking up at the ceiling of the store, his eyes glued to a stereo, listening intently. She sidled up beside him and watched, crossing her arms, waiting to see what he was doing. After a few minutes, she finally cleared her throat. "Uh, yo, what's going on?" she asked. "This is the Matt Reeves show," Jay said. "Who the hell's Matt Reeves?" "He's just a journalist, but...but his show is only on at 3pm," Jay said, "...and radio doesn't do reruns, it's not like television. I'm just...confused. What time did you say it was?" "I told you it was...uh..." Nat said, now staring at her watch on her wrist with confusion, "...is...1:30? It's...still 1:30? That...doesn't seem right, does it?" "I think your watch is broken," Jay said. "It's three?!" Nat shouted, "I have to go, I have to...oh jesus no." With that she turned and rushed out of the store, Jay right behind her. *** "You never bought a new watch?" Corrine asked, taking a sip from her soda on the desk as Nat sighed and laid her head back on the arm of the couch. "I never had a reason to, and I don't even know when this one broke, it was working the other week!" she said, annoyed, "I am so fucking angry. It's not enough that he ruined my marriage, but now he's ruining my relationship with my daughter and he's not even in the goddamned house!" "Okay sure, but this wasn't intentional," Corrine replied. "...I guess, but still, I have to blame someone. I...I can't blame myself," Nat said weakly, "...I can't be a bad mom." "You're not a bad mom, Natty," Corrine said, chuckling, "So you forgot to pick her up one day, what's the big-" "She moved out," Nat said, knocking the wind out of Corrine, who stared at her, chips falling out of her mouth. "What?" she asked. "She moved out," Nat repeated, "...Violet moved in with her father." *** "You promised," Violet said, sitting in the living room on the couch, her eyes staring at her hands in her lap, her voice barely a whisper; she sniffled and held back a cry, adding, "...you said the one thing I'd never have to do would be ride the shortbus. They made me ride the shortbus." "And I'm going to have a very long talk with them about that, but this wasn't my fault, my watch-" "It's never your fault, is it?" Violet asked, surprising both Jay and her mother with her venomous response; she leaned in, her eyes finally meeting her mothers, her stutter almost nonexistent now as she continued, "it's never your fault. You're always helping someone else. You're always fixing something else somewhere else. It's never about me anymore. I don't care if that sounds selfish, but I want my mom back! Stop trying to be everyone else's mom and be mine for once!" Natasha felt her heart break in her chest, and the light faded from her eyes. She felt Jay's hand on her shoulder as she sighed and ran her face through her hands, groaning, trying to think of something - anything - to say to her daughter that would make sense, but instead all she came up with was "...you're right," she answered, "you're absolutely right. For the past year or so, I've been putting you entirely on the backburner, and I sincerely apologize. I put the show ahead of you, my new sister ahead of you, my relationship ahead of you..." "I mean, I...I want you to be happy, mom," Violet said, "but I don't want that happiness to come at the cost of my own." Nat and Violet stared at one another for a bit, until Violet finally stood up. "I'm going to stay with dad for a while," she said softly, before exiting the room. As she headed up the stairs, Natasha couldn't understand how things had come to this. She'd always done her best to be there for her daughter, she tried to be her best friend, her protector, and now she was leaving for the man who had cheated on her with her own sister. She felt sick. Nat looked up at Jay, who wouldn't look at her, despite his hand still being on her shoulder. "...why do I keep losing the things that should mean the most to me?" she asked quietly, "...and why don't I feel worse about it than I do when it happens?" Jay didn't really know how to answer that, so he didn't even try. *** "For what it's worth," Corrine said, now seated on the couch as well, with Nat's head resting on her shoulder, "you're a better mom than mine ever was. I just think some parents have a really good relationship with their kids until a certain point, and then things kinda fall apart. It's inevitable. It can't be helped. But I think she'll come back around." "Do you?" Nat asked, "Do you really think she'll come home?" "I do," Corrine said, nodding, "She's a good kid, she loves you, just give her some time to cool off and once she sees what living with your sister and her dad is like, she'll wanna come back. Blame the watch, blame your ex husband, blame yourself, but in the end, kids always pull away from their parents in one way or another, and that's nobodies fault. The ones who come back in the end always have the strongest relationship with their folks. You and Violet will reconcile. My parents and I will not." Nat smiled weakly and squeezed Corrine's hand gently. "Thanks," she whispered. "Anytime," Corrine replied. *** Standing in Violet's bedroom that night, while she slept over at Courtney's until her dad could make room for her at his place, Natasha took in all the decor and items she owned, taking in who her daughter actually was. For such a long time, her daughter had been a one note descriptor to those who'd asked: "Yes, her name is Violet, she's developmentally disabled." But that was a facet of the personality, not the personality itself. Violet was so much more than that, and Nat always knew this, even if she didn't openly acknowledge it. She didn't like to push Violet to talk about herself, she figured when the time was right, Violet would open up in her own way to her, and a lot of times she did. But Nat also couldn't deny Violet was right. She'd been taking care of so many other things and people lately, that she'd neglected - albeit unintentionally - her own daughter, and now she hated herself for it. She sat on the bed and looked at the night stand, turning the light on and noticing a charm bracelet they'd put together at the mall for her 8th birthday. She heard the door open and she looked up, surprised to see, of all people, Noreen standing there. "What are you doing here?" Nat asked, as Noreen entered the room. "Jay called me and told me to come over," she said, seating herself on the bed beside her sister, "...is everything okay?" "I think the more accurate question is anything okay," Nat said, "...I never wanted this. I never wanted to be famous, I never even wanted to have a real show...I made the show so she could see there was goodness in the world, you know? People who care about other people. But in the end it seems all I've done is convince her that parents all wind up neglecting their children in one capacity or another. Same as my own parents." Noreen nodded, listening, looking down at the bedspread and the design of planets and stars, running her hand over the blanket. "...for the longest time, I was mad that I was adopted, but honestly, it was for the better, and now I can't imagine having had different parents. Violet loves you. She'll come back and-" "You and Corrine and Jay have all independently said the same thing," Nat said, "saying 'she'll come back', and I have no doubt that that's true, but the problem is that she's not here NOW, and that's what hurts. I have the show, but the show was for her, and without her, what's the point of having the show?" Noreen nodded, understanding as she ran a hand up and down her sisters back. "Teenage girls are complicated," she said. "Everyone is complicated," Nat replied. *** "What's that bus?" Violet asked, pointing at a smaller bus behind the regular school bus the first day of the new school year. Natasha looked behind her and looked at the bus she was pointing at, trying to ascertain exactly what it was she acknowledging. "Oh. That's...that's a different bus for special needs students." "Isn't that what the doctor called me?" Violet asked, looking up at her mom, her eyes wide. Natasha smiled and ran her hand down her daughters face. "You're special, yes," Nat said, "but not like that, and I promise you, you'll never have to ride one of those, okay? I might make and break a lot of promises in life to you, but I'll never let that one lapse, trust me." Violet smiled and nodded, leaning in and hugging her mom before climbing out of the car and heading inside for her first day at the school. As she watched her daughter head indoors, Nat couldn't help but feel a sense of pride, a sense of pride for the daughter she loved more than anything or anyone else in the world. Every parent thinks their child is special, but Violet actually was. And not just in the way the medical community considered.
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"I want you to have this," Mary said, handing the glass turtle to Corrine as they sat in Corrine's backyard, hidden in the garden by the bushes and trees and flowerbeds. They were sitting on an old marble bench her father had bought just to spruce up the backyard. Corrine took the glass turtle and looked at it, before smiling and looking at Mary.
"I can come see you, right?" she asked, and Mary nodded eagerly. "Of course! Anytime!" she said, "Plus we have e-mail, phone, we can still be close!" Corrine smiled again and looked back at the glass turtle. She felt his pain in her chest, like something was attacking her heart. She felt Mary touch her face, and she turned back to face her. Mary leaned in and kissed her, Corrine happily kissing her back, setting the glass turtle down on the bench between them, the girls now kissing passionately. Corrine never made it out to Hawaii, but she could also never forget that last day they had together. Now, standing on Natasha's porch, glass turtle in her pocket, she wanted to cry. Finally she rang the doorbell, and after a moment the door opened. Violet stood there, and smiled. "Hello," she said, "I'll get my mom." "Thank you," Corrine whispered. Violet went back inside, and after a moment, Natasha was at the door. "Hey!" she said, cheerfully, "what are you doing here?" "...I need somewhere to stay," Corrine said. *** It had started earlier that day, with Jay and Sharla. The two had gone to the small studio to set up some new stuff for Sharla's workshop. Walking down the hall, Jay was surprised at how Nat had once acted towards her, because Sharla really wasn't that bad a person. In her yoga pants and her tank top, squirting her water bottle in her mouth, Sharla wouldn't stop talking about the gym she just signed up with. "I don't think I've ever been part of a gym," Jay said. "Really? You should do it. Not even for anyone else, just for you. And it's not even about looking good, that's just a fantastic byproduct," she said, making them both laugh a little as she added, "it's about being healthy, you know? My families genetics, especially in the women, were awful. All died young. My mother and her sister are the only two who made it into the later parts of their life, but even now it's getting rough. I refuse to go out like that." "Like what?" Jay asked, opening the door to the editing station. "You know, old," Sharla said, making him laugh again. As he flicked on the lights, Sharla screamed, which in turn made Jay scream, which in turn made Corrine scream. Corrine was sleeping on the couch, clutching a stuffed animal to her chest in her pajamas. After a moment, after everyone had regained their composure, Jay approached the couch. "Did you sleep here?" Jay asked, before noticing the bags beside the couch, "have you been sleeping here?" "Please don't get mad," Corrine said, "I...I got kicked out of my dorm." "What?" Jay asked. "Why's that?" Sharla asked. "My parents," Corrine said, "My...my parents stopped paying for my college. I have nowhere to go now. I can't go home. This was the only place I had access to. I'm so sorry, Jay, please don't-" "I'm not mad, Corrine, I'm not, I'm concerned if anything," Jay said. "Well, getting a scare is certainly a good way to get that heart rate up," Sharla said, making Jay chuckle. "I know where you can go," Jay said. And thus, Corrine wound up on Nat's porch. *** "Why'd you get kicked out?" Nat asked as she poured some coffee for Corrine, who was now seated at the table in the kitchen, eating pancakes with Violet, scarfing them down like she hadn't eaten in weeks. Nat took a seat between the two and looked at Corrine as she drank her own coffee. After a bit, Corrine finally pulled away from her plate and took a long sip of coffee before glancing nervously at Nat. "Uh," she said, "my parents, um...stopped paying for my college. I can't go home either. I'm effectively homeless." "Why would they do that?" Violet asked. "Because I was supposed to go to Hawaii this summer to see someone, but," Corrine said, sighing, realizing she had to finally explain what had happened, "when Mary's mom found out, uh, she freaked out. She also has spent the last year or so convincing Mary that she isn't...well...like me. She's been setting her up on date after date with guy after guy, none of them work out from what Mary's emails tell me, but, uh, yeah. That's why I didn't go. Then her mom called my parents and outed me." "...the fuck," Nat whispered, quickly realizing what she'd said in front of Violet, who giggled. "Anyway, I don't have anywhere to go. I was sleeping in the studio for a bit, until Jay found me this morning and told me to come here," Corrine said, fighting hard to hold back tears as she bit her lip, "uh...I just...I don't wanna be an inconvenience, you know? I don't...I don't wanna be in your way and-" Nat stood up and walked to Corrine, pulling her head against her and stroking her hair gently. "Shhh sweetheart, you're not in the way, okay? You can stay here as long as you need," Nat said, "everything's okay." Corrine couldn't take it anymore. She wrapped her arms around Natasha's waist and sobbed against her uncontrollably. Nat stayed there and held her as long as she could, all while Violet sat and watched as she ate her breakfast. She loved her mom so much, and she was so happy to know her mom loved everyone else as much as she loved her mom. She'd never seen her mom really be outright mean to anyone, and she wasn't sure she could picture it. Still, something bothered her. Something that she couldn't shake. And that something was the fact that she felt like she related to Corrine more than she should. *** "She's lucky," Courtney said as she and Violet sat in a fast food restaurant, splitting a few orders of fries along with their burgers; Courtney chewed a few fries then took a sip of soda and continued, "not a lot of people like that get someone to go to. A lot of them kill themselves. I'm lucky too. My dad loves me unconditionally, and I realize how lucky I am to have that." "I just don't...I guess I don't, um, really get it," Violet said, "You know? Why they'd care?" "I don't know. Parents are weird about their kids identities. They see children as, like, an extension of themselves, so if a kid is gay or whatever it makes them wonder if a part of them is, I guess," Courtney said, taking a bite of her burger as Violet nodded, taking it all in, stuffing more fries in her mouth. Courtney hadn't had lifeguard work today, which Violet was grateful for. She needed someone to bounce this stuff off of who wasn't her mom. And even though she'd already had a big breakfast and didn't need to eat again, nor was she very hungry, she figured this was what teenage girls did. They ate and gossiped. Violet looked around the restaurant at the other kids their age, and sighed, blowing her bangs from her eyes with her breath. She just couldn't shake this feeling that something was wrong with her. Courtney had made such a big deal about the boy at the pool, and her mother was now dating Jay, and Corrine's parents disowned her for liking another girl. But she didn't feel anything towards anyone, and that confused her. Had she simply not met the right person? No. That wasn't it. She wasn't even remotely interested. Violet couldn't help but wonder...what was wrong with her? *** When Violet got back that night, her mom was at the studio with Sharla and Jay, but Corrine was at the house, unpacking in the guest room. Violet stopped in the hall, looking in. The guest room was right across the hall from her own room, and she figured she should get used to have a neighbor now. She cleared her throat, and Corrine looked up from her seat on the floor, pulling things from her bag and sorting it all. "Hiya," Corrine said. "Are you feeling better?" Violet asked, entering and sitting on the floor, cross legged, across from Corrine. "I guess," Corrine said, shrugging, folding a shirt, "I don't know, it's all so fresh still. I guess I just half expected for my parents to die without ever learning about me, but now I realize how dumb that was to believe." "Can I...ask you a question?" Violet asked. "Yeah, of course." "Um...so my friend started doing lifeguard stuff at the pool this summer, mostly cause there's, uh, this...this boy there that she likes," Violet said, "and um...I guess I just don't, ya know, get it. I mean...I see the other kids in my school, and I know that a lot of them like eachother, but I don't understand why. They're just people, you know? There's...I don't know what I'm trying to say." "You've never had a crush?" Corrine asked and Violet shook her head; Corrine smiled, "well," she continued, "you could be asexual. There's nothing wrong with that, either. It's a perfectly normal thing many people are. If you've never found anyone attractive or wanted to be close to them, then that's likely what it is. Now, you might meet someone you do like, but the way you'll like them isn't based on physicality. It'll be based on the other far more important aspects of their personality." "...how did you...how did you know that..." "Uh, I didn't, hah," Corrine said, pulling her legs to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, chuckling, "no, um, I met Mary in high school. We came from different sides of town, so we didn't go the same primary schools, but we went to the same high school because it was both our districts. So, we met on the first day of school and we both just hated everyone else, hah. After a while, she started to hang out with this other girl, and I got REALLY jealous. Like, more jealous than a 'friend' would get, you know? I started comparing myself to this other girl, trying to be cooler than her, and finally when I guess I had made enough of an ass of myself, Mary realized what I was doing. She told me she didn't know I was that way, and I asked her what way, and she laughed because she couldn't believe I was that goddamned dense." Violet and Corrine started laughing, lifting the mood in the room. "Yeah, it was embarrassing. Anyway, we decided to go to a school dance together but not, like, together, you know? And then we joined some girls in the bathroom who had pot and after smoking for a little bit we just...kinda went into a stall and started making out, and we spent the rest of high school together like that until she moved," Corrine said, looking at her feet, "...she was what showed me what I was, and maybe that's why this hurts so much. But honestly, I'd give anything to be asexual. To not have that pressure on you. I know that other people who are asexual get a lot of shit from society, as much as anyone else in a minority, but I'd prefer not to want to be with someone like that than wanna be with someone purely because they're hot. Attractiveness makes you make terrible decisions." Violet giggled and nodded, listening closely. "You don't think you're..." "No, I mean, I don't know," Violet said, "I've never really liked anyone, emotionally or otherwise. I just...I guess I just...yeah." "Well, I'm always available to talk about things if you want," Corrine said, smiling, "Consider me the big sister you never had." Violet laughed and nodded. She liked that. Violet said goodnight, then stood up and headed for the door. But, as she got there, she stopped, turned back around and walked back to Corrine, who was also now standing up, and hugged her tightly. Corrine looked towards the door, surprised by Violet's affections, only to see Nat standing there, grinning. After the hug broke, and Violet left the room to brush her teeth and get ready for bed, Nat entered the room. "Wow," Nat said, "she must really like you. She barely hugs me." "...I don't deserve this," Corrine said, "I don't...deserve your kindness, or charity, or your daughters friendship. I don't-" "Honey," Nat said, "yes, you do. I'm sorry your parents taught you you didn't, but you do. So Jay is downstairs, and we're gonna order a pizza and stuff, you wanna join us?" "I'd like that, yeah. I could use some socialization, weird as that sounds," Corrine said, the both of them laughing as they headed out of the room. *** "We'll get the coolest place," Mary said one night near in sophomore year, as the two laid in Corrine's backyard looking at the stars; she added, "We'll get like a loft studio apartment and we'll make lots of art and we'll just be totally cool. Everyone will wanna be us." "I don't even wanna be me, why would anyone else?" Corrine asked, making Mary laugh loudly; Corrine then felt her hand being held and she shut her eyes and relaxed as she continued, "...do you really see that happening? You really see us lasting like that?" "Of course," Mary said, "I mean, we can go to college here, in town, and then after college we can get good jobs and we won't need our parents and we can do whatever we want. That's the dream, right? I mean, imagine it, we'll go to orchestras and art shows and we'll produce high quality entertainment and our parents will have to see us in the paper and on the news and regret ever being mean to us, but we won't care cause we'll be having sex on hundred dollar bills on our queen size bed." Corrine burst out laughing, which made Mary laugh too. Corrine's parents were having a date night, which meant they had the house to themselves until late, which meant they had a date night themselves. Mary rolled over and nuzzled her face into Corrine's neck, kissing it lightly, making Corrine moan and blush. "The future's gonna be great," Mary whispered, "Just wait and see." In a way, she was right. The future was kinda great. Just not in the ways Corrine had expected. That being said... ...she couldn't deny that she'd trade it all in just to have Mary back, even for one night. They say you never really get over your first love. |
About
Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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