"Miss Simple?" the voice called again. She knew she had to answer, but she couldn't. She just sat there, frozen, staring at the camera lens and her principal cinematographer, Jay, behind it. She couldn't find the words to say what she wanted to, and she could feel her poorly home manicured fingernails digging into her knees in her jeans. Finally she took a long deep breath, forced a smile on her face and spoke.
"I'm supposed to try and help you with your self esteem," she said, "This is a self help show, after all, but...who are we kidding? I can't even help myself, much less any of you. You're all frankly better off without me, really, and I'm willing to bet whatever advice I would've given you would've only made things worse." She leaned forward, cupping her hands together in her lap and continued. "Because what I've learned is, nobody can really help anyone. You have to try and help yourself. I mean, if you can't rely on the man you gave your whole youth to not to leave you for your own sister, abandoning his daughter in the process, then who can you trust, right? Let's not kid ourselves, we can't help one another. The best we can hope for is that each of us does so poorly that we feel better about ourselves when comparing ourselves when eachother." Another pause, as Nat ran a hand through her dark, rich chestnut hair and sighed, shaking her head. "It's plain as day, we're all screwed, and we all look to helping others so we don't have to focus on how bad our own lives are," Nat said, "Because, really, that would take guts, and most people these days don't have guts. They don't have bravery. The most they have is this, me, someone telling them how they should feel instead of finding out for themselves. Sorry. That's the show." And with that Jay cut the camera. Everyone stared at her as she stood up and looked at her crew, all awestruck by this act of total defiance. Natasha put her arms up and wiggled her fingers. "Bring me a camera," she said, and Jay quickly brought her one of the smaller handheld cameras he rarely used. She took it, smiling the whole time, thanked him and then started screaming at the top of her lungs, bashing the camera repeatedly into the ground, holding onto its tripod to do so. Natasha Simple was not a well woman. *** "Do you want donuts?" Natasha asked, sitting behind the drivers seat of her car, "Bear claw? Anything?" "No thanks," her daughter, Violet, responded. Violet was a teenager, almost 15, but looked like she was barely 13. She didn't age normally, and she had the mindset of a much younger child, likely around the age of 10 or 11 from what the doctor had told them. She was bundled up in a coat, a scarf pulled entirely around the bottom half of her face, as Natasha was driving her to school. Natasha sighed and shook her head. "I'm sorry," she said softly, "I'm sorry, I...I shouldn't be making you go to school right now, with everything that's going on. But if I don't, then the school can have child services look into me, and they can maybe take you away, so I have to send you. You understand don't you?" "Yeah," Violet said, drawing a pony in the frost of the passenger window. "You don't wanna be home right now anyway," Nat continued, "Not with everything going on. Not with how I'm feeling. Though I gather school isn't all that much better for you. School is awful in general, so." "School is okay," Violet said, speaking somewhat slowly, but clearly, "Kids aren't nice, but I like my classes." "Well, that's nice at least. About the classes, I mean, not the...not the mean kids thing, you know," Natasha said, pulling up to the school and stopping at the curb, as Violet undid her seatbelt and looked at her mom. Natasha pulled Violet's ear flap hat off and lovingly touched her face, smiling at her; she added, "Just remember, you're not different than them, you're better. If you know that, then anything they say can really hurt you." "Okay," Violet said, "Will you pick me up?" "Yes, I'll be picking you up today," Nat said, "You won't have to take the bus. I know you hate taking the bus." "Okay," Violet said, "I love you." Violet leaned in and hugged her mom, her mom hugging her back tightly, loving every second of the act. After the hug broke, Violet got her rolling backpack and Nat plopped her hat back on her head so she could get out of the car and head into the school. As she passed by a woman coming out, Natasha rolled down the passengers side window and waved at the woman. "Hi Miss Stevens," Nat said, "How are you?" "Freezing, let me in," Miss Stevens said, opening the door and getting into the car, "I'm glad I managed to catch you. We need to talk about Violet." "I know, she's a little behind on homework, but-" "No no, you know she can turn it in at her own pace, that's not the problem," Miss Stevens said, "No, the problem is, and it's not even really a problem I would say, but it could be if we don't discuss it, is the interactions she's had with some of her classmates lately. She's begun refusing to eat lunch anywhere other than my classroom, because she's afraid of them harassing her." "Have they been harassing her, Miss Ste...do you have a first name? This is too weird, I feel like a student calling you that. What's your first name?" Nat asked, and Miss Stevens laughed. "My first name is Amanda," she said. "Amanda, alright, um, she doesn't tell me too many details," Natasha said, "She...I don't know, I guess maybe she's embarrassed or something, even though I'm always telling her not to be. Whatever. Have students been harassing her?" "They call her Little Miss Simple," Amanda said, "I've heard it firsthand, it's cruel." "That is particularly cruel, yes, jesus," Natasha said, pulling her beanie off and scratching her head, "Um...what...what can we do?" "Nothing yet, really. I just wanted it brought to your attention on the off chance that she hadn't, and from what you told me she hadn't, so. I reprimand any student I hear saying it, but it's an idle threat at best. They aren't physically hurting her, so there's only so much I can do, you know?" Amanda asked, and Natasha nodded. "Yeah...yeah," Nat said, checking her phone, "I have a meeting to get to, can we maybe continue this discussion later? Thank you for bringing it up though." "I'll e-mail you," Amanda said, getting out of the car, waving goodbye and then heading towards the school as Natasha started the car back up and, pulling away from the school, continued towards her place of business. Unbeknownst to her, the day was about to get a lot more interesting. *** Natasha was seated in front of her boss's desk, him behind it, shaking his head and staring around the room incredulously. He raised his hands in the air, then lowered them again, then raised them again and covered his face with them, moaning into them loudly. "I know," Nat said, "I'm well aware, actually. I understand completely." "You..." Lawrence said, "You...do you realize what you've done?" "I've got a fairly good idea, yes," Natasha said, "And I'll apologize on air and-" "What? Apologize? Are you kidding? You're talk of the town! You...you put us on the map!" Lawrence said, leaning forward, laughing, "People from other local access stations have been calling me all damn day wanting to talk to you! We've had people sending in e-mails and calling in all morning, all talking about how brave you were to talk that openly, how inspiring they found it. Sure, sure, we've had a naysayer here or there, but overall the reception has been nothing short of tremendous, much to everyones surprise." "Myself included, apparently," Natasha mumbled, making Lawrence laugh harder. "There's talk from a local stations talk show about having you on, one of those shows where all the women sit around in non confrontational lighting and furnishings and talk about feelings," Lawrence said. "Which show?" "Who cares, they're all the same," Lawrence continued, "What I'm saying is you've...you've laid a golden egg, here." "I've never been compared to a goose before, but honestly it's kind of welcome," Natasha said. "Well, goose girl, prepare to honk yourself to death because you're about to ruffle some feathers!" Lawrence said, standing up and pacing now. "Wait, I'm a goose but I'm gonna ruffle feathers? Who's feathers? Other geese?" "I...I don't know, Nat, what do you, look, what I'm saying is that you're about to create a nest egg here for the rest of us because of your little stunt." "A nest egg? I don't think geese nest. I guess I don't know much about geese, actually." "Forget the goose thing!" "Okay, well, stop dropping bird metaphors and I will!" Natasha said, half laughing herself now. She and Lawrence had always had a rather good working relationship. He'd hired her on after she mailed in a test pilot of her show, and he had liked her attitude and on screen demeanor so much he hired her without even meeting her in person. He hired her just over the phone, the day he watched the tape. This was rather unheard of at the station, but he'd always said she had "moxy", whatever that was, because Natasha had no idea. It was a word she'd always heard applied to people but never bothered to look up the definition of. Lawrence was tall, lanky, slightly balding and older with golden wheat blonde hair and oval glasses covering his dark blue eyes. He was never mean to her, he was never cross with her, and he had never shown any romantic interest in her. The two merely appreciated one another as business colleagues, but after she made her rant on her show, she was immediately terrified of having let him down more than anyone else. He'd become a sort of pseudo father figure in her life, and she hated the thought of disappointing him, despite being an adult herself. "So," Natasha said, crossing her legs and turning in her chair to face him, "I guess I'm not in trouble?" "You're not only not in trouble, I'm putting you next to Sharla's show, every Thursday night," Lawrence said, and this made Nat ecstatic, making her squeal a bit. Sharla Karbrook, the self imposed 'health guru' on the station, had always had a bone with Natalie for some reason unbeknownst to Natalie, and always seemed like she wanted Natalie not to be there. The fact that she had a rather strained relationship with Lawrence, who had once told Natalie he couldn't stand Sharla's 'self inflated smugness', while seeing Natalie have a good relationship with him certainly didn't help matters. "Natalie," Lawrence said, leaning down and putting his hands on her shoulders, "I'm proud of you." Natalie held it inside until she got back out to her car, but she cried because of hearing that. Then she cried because she'd caught a break, after everything her lousy husband and her sister had recently put her through, she'd finally caught a break. Things were finally starting to look up. *** "Watcha lookin' at, Little Miss Simple?" a boy asked, approaching Violet as she sat in the hallway against a row of lockers, reading a book. She tried to ignore him, keep reading, but he sat down beside her and peered at the book, laughing to the girl he was with, stating, "It's a book about horses, some Pony Club bullshit or something. God, you're even simpler than I thought." Violet tried to ignore him, continue reading, but he stood up and poked her foot with his own, still trying to get her attention and draw a reaction out of her. "Little Miss Simple, what's with the horse obsession? I mean, I know it's like a classic thing for girls to like horses, wouldn't wanna mess with a classic, but seriously. Is it cause they have brains the size of yours that you feel you can relate to them better?" "Austin," a blonde girl said, walking up, backpack slung over her shoulder, "What's going on?" "Just fucking with our friend here," Austin said, the other girl laughing as the blonde looked down at Violet and shook her head. "I wish you were a horse," Violet finally said, catching Austin's attention. "Oh, yeah?" he asked. "Yeah, because when they break a leg, they get shot, and then they're turned into dog food or glue, and I'd like to see you get turned into dog food or glue, because you'd be more useful that way to people than you are now," Violet said, making the blonde raise her brow in surprise and stifle a laugh, turning away to hide her amusement. "Fuck you," Austin said, pushing Violet against the lockers and then walking away with the other girl, as the blonde approached Violet and helped her up. "That was good," the blonde said, "Are you okay?" "He's so mean, and he's only mean to me," Violet said. "He's mean to everyone," the blonde said, "It's because nobody really likes him. It's a male ego thing. He acts out because he's afraid of people seeing how he really is or something like that." "...thank you," Violet said, rubbing the back of her head, as the blonde handed her book back to her. "Have you ever ridden a horse?" the blonde asked. "No." "My family has horses, you should come see them sometime, we can go riding together, it's a lot of fun," the blonde said, smiling at her, "I'm Courtney." "I'm Violet, it's nice to meet you," Violet said, smiling a little now at this random act of kindness. Courtney Barber, one of the more popular girls at the school, had rarely if ever spoken to Violet, but now all of a sudden here she was, being friendly, and Violet appreciated it. She had virtually no friends her own age, and really her only actual friend would be her own mother, whom she loved dearly. Courtney sat down beside her and kept talking about horses with her. Courtney was your stereotypical popular pretty girl. Silky blonde hair and bright green eyes, perfect complexion, well dressed. It helped that she clearly came from money, but either way, she seemed to be naturally predetermined to be perfect, and Violet secretly wished inside that she was Courtney Barber. Some days, she wished she could be anyone other than who she actually was, despite her mother telling her to be proud of herself. *** That night, sitting on the couch together eating chinese take out, Natasha and Violet were quiet, neither one really needing to talk and instead opting to simply enjoy one anothers company. They were technically physically watching some crummy sitcom, but the television was muted, so they weren't really paying much attention. They were just enjoying being there, in the moment, in their warm cozy living room, eating their dinner, amongst one another. "I'm getting a new time slot," Natasha finally said. "I made a friend today," Violet responded, making Natasha smile. "Sounds like it was a pretty good day overall for the Simple gals," Nat said, playing footsie with her daughter, making her laugh as she tried to eat. After dinner, Violet took a bath and then went to read until she fell asleep, leaving Natasha to sit at the kitchen table and stare at a photo of her now partially defunct family. The three of them, herself, her husband and Violet out getting pumpkins for Halloween one year, all looking happy as can be. Lies. All photographs were lies of one kind or another. Natasha sighed and looked around the house, realizing it was now her duty to make this their home, not his home, and she knew the first act she'd need to do before that could be done. She got up, gathered every single photo she had of him, and took them outside. She then dragged her yard waste trashcan in from the curb and into the backyard, where she dumped the photos into it and then set the internal contents of the can on fire. Standing there, hands in her pockets, watching the flames lick the sky, she couldn't help but feel strangely proud of herself. Sure, she was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown, but at least she was trying to move forward with her life, instead of curling up into a ball of sadness and anxiety like she normally would've done. That was a big improvement for her. She sighed and looked up at the night sky, knowing that somewhere out there, her husband was under the same night sky, likely fucking her sister in a new bed. She shook her head and laughed at her stupidity, how she could have allowed herself to be strung along for so long, all the while knowing he was up to something. She really had started, at some point, to buy into all that crap she'd once said on her TV show. All that crap about love, and togetherness, and helping one another and being part of a team. Now she realized just how ridiculous it all really was. How she didn't really believe any of it, and often debated if she ever actually had or if she'd instead simply forced herself to because that sort of life was what was expected of a woman her age. Either way, it didn't matter now. Sure, soon enough the hate mail would come, the backlash would hit, but until then, Natasha Simple didn't care. All that mattered now was the sweet stench of burning memories filling the cool night air around her. And...what was that other smell? The lawn! She realized the can had tipped over and caught fire to the lawn in a minimal capacity, but she quickly started stomping on it hard and fast as she could. Even when you try and do right, the world makes it go wrong, she figured.
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Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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