"This can't be a healthy working relationship, I'm sure we're violating some kind of rule," Natasha said as she took a sip from her coffee before setting it back down on the bedside table and glanced at Jay, lying in bed beside her, reading a magazine.
"When you run your own business, I think you get to make up the rules," he said, licking his finger and turning a page before adding, "Besides, it's not like we're doing it on the set." "I guess I can't argue with that, even if I feel like I ethically should," Nat said, chuckling, checking her watch, "I think the girls are coming over here to do a project together, so we should probably get up and clean stuff." "I should go check in with Corrine and see how the editing is going, and then go shoot Sharla's stuff," Jay said, climbing out of bed and groaning as he stretched, feeling Natasha's arms wrap around his midsection as he did. He smiled and held her hands, rubbing them with his thumbs. "Will you be coming back?" she asked. "Yeah, sure, we'll have dinner. I'll cook for everyone," Jay said. After Jay got dressed and left, Natasha threw some things into the washing machine and leaned against it, thinking about how much her life had changed in just the last few months. She had a potential new relationship with someone she trusted deeply, she had a brand new sister, and her daughter was doing better than ever. The show had been running for about 3 months now, and it'd been almost that long since she and Noreen had found one another, and frankly, it was the best Natasha had felt in ages. Nothing, she knew, absolutely nothing could ruin the life she'd built for herself and her daughter now. When the girls got home, Natasha was still cleaning up the living room as they walked in through the door. She turned the vacuum off as the door shut behind them, and she smiled at them. "You staying for dinner?" she asked and Courtney nodded. "My dad said it was alright, yeah," she said, "He said he'd pick me up after dinner, if that's okay, so you don't have to drive in the rain." "That's fine by me," Nat said, turning the vacuum back on as the girls headed up the stairs to Violet's bedroom. She finished vacuuming, then sat on the couch and opened her laptop, brought up her e-mail and saw she had something new from Noreen. She smiled and clicked it open. It read: "Natty, I have a great idea! Why not do a live show? Instead of just getting people to pay you through the subscription service on the site, you could do a short tour around the city and have people come see you live and in person! Let me know what you think. Love you! Noreen." Nat loved that Noreen was pitching ideas, and she loved that she had a nickname for her. And in all honesty, a live show wasn't a bad concept. She quickly wrote back and said she'd talk to Jay about it. Meanwhile, up in the bedroom, Violet had set her things down and gotten out a large posterboard for their project. Courtney was sitting on the bed while Violet cleared out a space on the desk for the posterboard. When she turned to look at Courtney, she noticed she was chewing her nails, something she only did when she was nervous. "Are you, uh, okay?" Violet asked. "I guess so," Courtney said, "I don't know. I just feel really out of place lately. Seems like everyone is finally understanding themselves, and I just am having so much trouble comprehending where it is I came from or why I am who I am. It's lonely." "I'm sorry," Violet said, sitting down on the bed next to Courtney and rubbing her back, saying, "I don't think you, of all people, need to understand yourself though. I think you understand yourself better than, uh, you know, the rest of us and, like....well, I think we need to find reasons for why we are the way we are because we don't understand ourselves. Does that, um, make sense? Like...you're perfect, you know yourself better than anyone else could ever hope to know themselves." Courtney pushed some hair back behind her ear and wiped at the tears forming in her eyes as she tried not to laugh. "Yeah, that...that actually means a lot, thank you," she said, turning and hugging Violet, who happily hugged her back. "Besides," Violet said, "you're way cooler than all of us combined." *** "I'll have that drive ready for you in just a minute," Corrine said as she strolled across the dorm, "it's offloading everything I've exported right now, but it's high speed transfer so it shouldn't take long even if it is a handful of gigs." "Take your time, I'm in no rush," Jay said, leaning against the wall and looking at the stuff she'd printed and hung up. "So, are you and Natasha, like...a couple?" Corrine asked, and Jay shrugged. "I guess. I don't know. We haven't really put a name on it, and probably for good reason. The last thing she tried to make permanent left for her sister, so I can understand some hesitancy on her part." "In my experience, not that my experience is the end all be all but, I've found that human relationships often falter after a short amount of time has worn off. It's like the sheen of a new car. Once that newness wears down, it's hard to see what's worthy about keeping it running. But I also haven't had a lot of great relationships, romantic or otherwise, in my life so perhaps my opinion means jack shit." Jay smirked, saying, "No, I think you're right in a lot of instances. I think that unless there's a deep connection that's not just surface level then it's very hard to maintain a relationship. But Nat hired me right out of film school, she's worked with me for a decade, she's...she's great, you know? We have a lot of respect and admiration for one another, and I think that's part of why we work so well together, romantically or professionally." Corrine sat back down at her desk, checking the transfer on the complete episodes, before reaching under her desk and pulling out a box of saltines and eating them plain right from the packaging. She offered Jay a few but he just waved his hand, politely declining. Corrine shrugged and went ahead munching. "So you've never had a good relationship?" Jay asked. "Nada. My folks and I barely talk, aside from them paying for my schooling, and I don't really have any friends, and I've..." she stopped and finished chewing before clearing her throat and finished saying, "...I've never had any romantic partners in a...physical way, so." "Really? Wow. That's kinda cool," Jay said as Corrine unplugged the drive at the sound it beeping upon completion and handed it to him. He stuck it in his coat pocket and added, "You know, for what it's worth I think we'd consider you a friend." "You don't have to do that. You don't have to show pity to me." "I'm not showing pity to you, Corrine," Jay said, laughing, "Jeez. We like you. That's why we hired you. Besides your qualifications of course. We liked how blunt and direct you are." "That is, depending on who you ask, either my best aspect or my worst," she replied, chuckling herself, "I'll see you same time next week, right?" "Unless something comes up, sure," Jay said. He exited the dorm and began walking down the hall, heading back towards the parking lot when his phone rang. He tugged it out of his coat pocket and answered. "Hello?" he asked. "Something's come up," Natasha said, "I want to do a live show. My sister's over here right now, you should get back so we can discuss this." Jay hung up and rubbed his forehead. He turned and walked back to Corrine's dorm, knocking. When she answered, she had half a cracker sticking out of her mouth, which she quickly pushed in and chewed. "You wanna go for a drive?" he asked. *** "It's a good thing we have the internet to download images for this," Courtney said, clicking through a series of images in a search before selecting a few and printing them, "Could you imagine if we had to, like, cut up old nature magazines in order to do this?" "Can I ask you a question?" Violet said quietly from the bed. Courtney turned from the desk and looked at her. "Of course, what is it?" "Well, you know how to, like...be a girl," Violet said, "You've put a lot of time and effort into, um, like, understanding it and stuff, you know? Do you think you could help me? I could never get the hang of makeup and I...I don't have the best fashion sense. But it still all needs to be comfortable." "I'd be happy to help you," Courtney said, smiling, "Gladly! I mean, you need to understand there's no wrong way to do it. So even if you feel like you're not doing it right, you are, you're just doing it the way that's right for you." "Okay," Violet said, "I just feel embarrassed because I was, you know, born a girl but because of being so stupid-" "You're not stupid." "You know what I mean. Because of how I am, I always felt, like, uh...disconnected, you know?" "Believe me, I know. I think that's partially why we get along so well," Courtney said. The bedroom door opened and Natasha was standing there in the hall, looking in, as the girls turned to look towards her. "Um, Jay is coming back so we can discuss a business thing but after that he's going to cook for everyone. Noreen's in the kitchen with me. Just saying so you don't get, I don't know, surprised or something by all the extra people in the house, or if you get hungry when he cooks," Natasha said. "Okay, thanks mom," Violet replied. Natasha shut the door and headed back down the stairs. She found Noreen standing in the living room looking at all her photos hung on the walls. "Taking in the scenery?" she asked, and Noreen laughed. "Um, more like, I guess, noticing that you don't have any photos of your ex up," she said. "Well of course, why would I, after what he did to us?" Nat asked. "That doesn't bother Violet? Not seeing her father?" "She saw him a while back and told me it was a wildly uncomfortable experience, so I guess not," Nat said, "They were never very close. I mean, when she was really little they got along good, but once she got to be like 7 or 8, I don't know, I think he was oddly ashamed of her mental faculties, even though he'd never admit it, and he didn't know how to overcome that shame or ignore it for her sake and just be a good dad." "That stinks," Noreen said, "How do you feel about it all?" "Honestly, at this point, I feel pretty okay knowing it's over. I've moved on. It's weird, big moments like that, that you'd expect to change your life in ways you'd never recover from - divorce, death, whatever - always only have a shock value that lasts a certain amount of time I've found. The first few weeks are weird, but quickly after life just goes on. I mean, maybe it's different for everyone, but that's been my experience." "No, you're right," Corrine said as she unzipped her coat, Jay shutting the front door behind them; she went on, "when I was a kid, I knew other kids whose grandparents died and they acted like it was something their lives would never be the same because of, and then when my own died, I don't know...it was weird, like you said, but I didn't feel like my life changed all that much. Just people who'd been there weren't anymore, and that was that really." "See, she gets it," Nat said. "I do," Corrine said, seating herself on the couch and pulling out her package of crackers from her coat pocket, continuing to eat them, "You have a nice home." "You know Jay's making dinner," Nat said, smirking. "I know, but I can only eat certain things with certain flavors or textures," Corrine said, "So unless he's some kind of magical chef that can easily prepare something each one of us can individually digest, I think I'll stick with my crackers." "Fair enough," Nat said, sitting down beside her, saying, "But it's true. I thought my husband leaving would be weird, I thought it'd be something that I'd never come back from and would mourn forever, likely because that's what a lot of media has told women divorce entails, but...like...it was just like a roommate moving out, honestly, and in the end all it did was make me wonder if that's how easy it ultimately was, after the brief period of grief, then how good could we have really been together?" "You could do an entire Q&A at the live show, get people to talk about these things, their experiences with them, in front of others and connect," Noreen said, "Really open people up." "You want to do a live show?" Corrine asked, and Natasha nodded; Corrine shook her head, dumbfounded before adding, "That isn't like normal editing, that's...that's in the moment light changes and, and...and being on top of acoustics and-" "You don't have to do it if you don't think you can," Nat said, "I just wanted to give you the option to say yes if you wanted to. I'd perfectly happy hiring someone to do the live shows and letting you stay in your comfort zone doing prerecorded material if that's what you want." "I don't...I don't know how good an idea this all is," Corrine said, getting up and pacing, clearly starting to panic, "I just...I don't...that's a lot of responsibility and if something goes wrong, people will notice immediately because it's in the moment. I don't know...I..." Noreen stood up and put her hands on Corrine's shoulders, turning her to face her, and looking in her eyes. "You are safe here," she said, "You can say no. Nobody will judge you." Corrine's breathing slowed, and she started to visibly calm down. "I...I think I could do it, but it would require a lot of help and a lot of preparation," Corrine said, looking at Nat before shifting her view back to Noreen and whispering, "thank you." Jay excused himself and headed into the kitchen to begin dinner, while Corrine joined him to get a glass of water. Natasha stood up off the couch and looked at her sister, impressed. "That was good," she said, "You know, both you and Violet say you're challenged, but you both seem way smarter than most of the supposedly 'normal' people I meet day to day. How did you know to do that?" "Challenged can mean a lot of things. I am good with words and good with relating to others that I feel I can relate to. But I'm not so good with numbers, and I can't do a lot of basic things that are required to manage my own day to day life, like taxes. Anyway, when I was a teenager, my dad used to get panic attacks, and I learned from my mom how to help calm him down. It was something she learned from his therapist." "...I'm so glad you're in my life," Natasha said, surprising even herself at this rather open admittance. "I am too," Noreen said. Nat called the girls down to eat, and together, they all had a large family style dinner, something many of them hadn't had in ages. It felt nice, to belong to an entire unit once again, a unit that actually cared about one another, and wanted to help one another. Who knew, Nat thought as she ate and looked around the table at all these people she'd acquired, that broken families can create the best families. *** Bryan and Courtney were driving home in near silence, with the car radio tuned to soft jazz as the rain hit the windshield lightly. It was relaxing, and Courtney was appreciative of this solitude, especially with her father, whom she didn't get to see much thanks to work. "Dad?" she asked, "Do I remind you of mom?" "Not particularly," Bryan said, "Your mom was a great woman, but, uh...she wasn't nearly as brave as you are." Courtney wanted to cry. She knew she was lucky, she knew that the support her father gave her was not the kind of familial support other girls like her got, especially from their fathers, and she couldn't be more thankful for it. "You know," Bryan said, "the funniest part of all of this is that, when your mom first got pregnant, she asked me if I wanted a son or daughter, and I said I didn't care but she made me pick, so I said son. But I only said that because that's what society expects of fathers. They expect fathers to want sons. I wanted a daughter. Turns out I got what I wanted, even if it took a little while. Either way, makes sense you'd rail against society too. You're more like me in that regard, and I couldn't be prouder of you for it. What made you ask about mom?" "Just...being at Violet's and seeing how many people she has in her life, it made me think about family," Courtney said, "it's just you and me, really. We're all we have. But, much as I'm sure having that many people is good for her, having just you is good for me. I think what we have works." "I can always call up my brother, if you want more family around," Bryan said, and Courtney scoffed. "God, no thank you. Seeing him once a year for the holidays is enough," she replied. Bryan laughed as Courtney leaned into him and hugged his arm. While it was nice being a part of Violet's big family made up of assorted people, Courtney appreciated that her own was small. She missed her mom, she wouldn't deny it, but she was perfectly fine just having her dad. When she looked at photos of her mother, sometimes she saw aspects of herself, and this made her worry that it made her dad uncomfortable, but to hear him say that she didn't remind him of her made her happy. She didn't want to be like her mother, much as she loved her. She wanted to be her own woman. And she was glad to know she was. Just like Violet wasn't ashamed of her mental problems, Courtney wasn't ashamed of her biology. And why would they be. They were both women. And women should never be ashamed of themselves for being women.
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Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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