"It's 4am, can we go home now?"Jay asked, leaning back in his chair, groaning.
Nat stood up and started pacing, then grabbed a nearby pillow off a chair, shoved her face into it and screamed at the top of her lungs. They'd been here, in this editing bay at the college, for 12 hours now. This normally wouldn't have taken so long, except that Corrine was adamant that something worked better than the way Nat and Jay thought it worked, and she wasn't budging until they at least agreed to try and see it from her perspective. "You hired me to do this job, so I am doing this job, and my expertise within this field is telling me that this is the better way to edit this," Corrine said. "I have a live show in 24 hours!" Nat said, "WE have a live show in 24 hours, and you're keeping me cooped up in here because you think a different angle and lighting works better than the one I've chosen? Why'd you even ask us to be here if you were just going to fight us on every goddamned turn!?" "Because it's your show!" Corrine yelled, standing up herself now, "Because you have the right to an opinion, but I also am the professional editor here, so I have a right to mine and I'm telling you that the way you want this done is wrong!" "Ladies!" Jay shouted, sitting upright, "Ladies, fuckin chill, okay? Holy shit. We've been stuck in here for hours with virtually no progress. This is the last scene of the last show of this run, and after this live show in 24 hours we can go our separate ways and not deal with eachothers bullshit again for a few months, but until that point, we need to come a common consensus, okay? Can we please just make this work?" Nat folded her arms and looked at Corrine, who sat back down in her editing chair. "Nobody ever believes in me," Corrine said quietly, "All my life, all the time I've been working on stuff, everyone's fought me every step of the way, even when they hire me to do the very thing they then fight with me about. It's outright exhausting trying to prove yourself over and over and over again. I get that I'm weird, but I'm also good at what I do." "Nobody said you weren't, Corrine, but is it really worth keeping us in perpetual limbo over?" Nat asked. "Yes! Because you want the very best, don't you? Well I'M the very best. This shot is the very best. I'm just doing what I think is the best for YOU," Corrine said. Nat walked back to the wall and put her head against it, shutting her eyes and whining softly. Jay glanced up over at her. "What're you doing?" he asked. "Trying to remember a time when I wasn't in this room," Nat said, making Jay smirk; Nat exhaled and looked back at Corrine, adding, "Look, I have to do something before my live show, and I need you at that live show, so just...do whatever you want." "No," Corrine said. "Excuse me?" Nat asked, surprised at the abrasiveness of her tone now. "I don't wanna win because you're too tired of arguing with me. I wanna win on the merit of my assumption being right. I want you to acknowledge that I'm correct," Corrine said, "That's what this is about. It's about...being heard." Nat wanted to scream, but she didn't want to be that mean to Corrine. She could see a lot of her daughter in Corrine, and that made her a bit more sympathetic towards her than she would've otherwise been at this point. Nat had always prided herself on being nice, on being understanding, but Corrine was really testing her limits tonight, and she hated herself for getting so angry. Nat picked up Jay's wallet and pulled out a few bills, opening Corrine's front door. "I'll be back in a few minutes," she said, "I'm going to the vending machine." As Nat exited, Corrine looked at Jay and then looked away. Jay sighed and stood up, stretching; cracking his back and yawning, Jay was clearly worn out and didn't know how much longer he could spend in this place. Suddenly he heard Corrine sniffling, and he approached her, putting his hand on her shoulder, but she jerked away from it. "It's nothing to cry about," Jay said softly, "We're all just really stressed and tired and it's been a hell of a few months. Getting this show together, getting the site up and running, and then finding out about her other sister...we've all been through the shit. You're fine." "Nobody ever listens to me," Corrine said, "She's supposed to listen to people, that's what she does. It's her whole thing, right? To listen and understand and accept. So why am I the exception? I'm just trying to make her show the best it can be, and this is what's needed to do that." Jay felt crushed. Corrine was losing her trust, her belief, in a woman who had seemingly dedicated her life to being there for others. This could not stand another minute. "You know," Jay said, "I have a cousin like you. She's very introverted but she's so incredibly smart and talented at what she does. I think that's why I liked you right from the get go, because I could see her in you. Some would call you two stubborn, but I don't think that's the right word. I'm not sure exactly what the right word is, but it isn't stubborn." "My parents, when they talk to me, hate me for choosing this career, this field of interest. They wanted me to be a doctor. I was supposed to be a doctor. I know all about medicine, I know all about anatomy. I grew up with my nose stuffed in medical textbooks, and instead I chose this line of work where people constantly undermine my professional opinion. Whether I'm a doctor or not, I'm still a professional." "Absolutely," Jay said, "I'll be right back." He turned and exited the room, finding Nat leaning against the wall a bit down the hall, sipping from a can of ginger ale and eating a payday candy bar. She offered him a bite, but he politely declined and folded his arms, staring at her. "What?" Nat asked. "You need to be nicer to her," Jay said, "You need to, like, listen to her, okay? She's...she's right. Not just about what angle is correct for the shot, but also about everything else. You wouldn't want someone telling you how to word something you say on screen, right? Well she doesn't want anyone telling her how to edit. She's smart, Natasha, she's probably too damn smart for her own good, and she deserves to be recognized intellectually. You need to go in and apologize." "Excuse me?" Nat asked, burping and sticking the remainder of the candy bar in her back pants pocket, adding, "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" "She's becoming disenchanted with you. You're supposed to be the one person in this world that still gives a shit, and hears people when they speak, and yet here you are, arguing with her. This is what she does for a living, and she's doing it for you, not for her. Sure, she wants to be heard, but she's also trying to give you the best product." Nat looked at the floor and kicked it gently, nodding. "Alright, that's...that's fair, yeah," Nat said, "It's been such a hard year." "I know it has, but you have people who believe in you, and what's more important? Being right or being lonely?" Jay asked, and Nat nodded again. "Point taken." They headed back to the editing bay, and tried to open the door, only to find it locked. Jay knocked on the glass window and Natasha peered inside, spotting Corrine, huddled on the floor in a corner. Nat suddenly felt an awful sting in the pit of her stomach as she turned to Jay and sighed, running her hands through her long hair. "Fuck," she whispered. "Fuck indeed." "Move," she said, pushing him away from the door and putting herself up to it, "Corrine? Sweetheart, it's Nat. Can we come back in? Jay talked to me, and you're right, okay? I'm sorry. We'll do things your way, alright?" "I don't want your apology if it comes because Jay told you to," Corrine said, standing up and heading to the other side of the window, looking out, "I want you to apologize and recognize I'm correct because you actually think I am, not because you've been shamed into it." "Jesus christ!" Nat screamed, "You have to be KIDDING ME! What does she want?!" "She wants to be heard, genuinely heard. Her own parents don't even recognize what she's chosen to do with her life, and now her own co-worker, the person she should look up to, is doing the same thing? Do you really wanna be on the same level as the very people she's trying to escape?" Natasha sighed and put her back against the door, sliding down it to the floor. Jay sat down beside her, and they heard the sound of Corrine doing the same on the other side of the door. "It's not a personal thing," Nat said, "Corrine? You know that, right? This show is my everything. It's right up there just below my daughter in terms of importance to me. That's why I'm so overly protective...but maybe being protective is what's kept me from really connecting to others in the same field as me. I guess I should recognize that if I'm good at what I do, others are equally as good at what they do as well." Corrine didn't respond, but they could hear her sniffling through the door, and Nat felt terrible. She'd been acting like an ass all night, and she wanted to make up for that. "Corrine?" she asked, turning, putting one of her hands on the door, "can I make you a full partner? Would that make up for it? Give you actual stake in the company?" "What?" Jay asked, surprised. "I want to prove to you that I have faith and confidence in you and what you do, and what better way to do that than outright putting the company on the line?" Nat asked, "Corrine, what do you say? You were right, and you get a personal ownership stake in the company, yeah?" A moment passed. Then another. Then the door unlocked and Corrine pulled it open and stood there, wiping her eyes on her sweatshirt sleeve. Nat put her arms around Corrine and pulled her in for a hug, rubbing her back and stroking her hair. Jay stood back and smiled, watching, appreciating this Natasha, the one he really knew. After this, they got the show finished and all decided to go out to a nearby diner for a really early breakfast. Sitting there across from Jay and Nat, Corrine felt like she had a new set of parents, ones that actually believed in her. Scooping pancakes into her mouth, she couldn't have been happier. "What you got on the agenda now?" Jay asked, sipping his coffee. "Take a nap," Nat said, leaning into him and resting, "and then I have to go to the courthouse to do something before the live show." "What do you have to do?" Corrine asked, mouth full of syrup, making them laugh. "...finalize my divorce," Nat whispered. She would have to do this. It couldn't be avoided. But for the time being, she was going to simply appreciate the warmth of the moment, and milk this for as long as she could before life intruded on her once again. After breakfast, Jay back to his apartment, having driven them to the diner and back to the college, leaving Nat and Corrine alone again in her dorm room. Nat was zipping up her coat and making sure she had everything when she felt something in the back of her pocket and pulled out a candy bar. "Want the rest of this payday?" Nat asked Corrine, who laughed and took it happily; Nat pulled her beanie on and sighed, looking at Corrine and adding, "I'm really sorry. I behaved poorly, and I shouldn't be like that. I don't want you to not believe in me, but more importantly, I never want you to stop believing in yourself. And I'm sorry your folks don't appreciate you." "It isn't just the career," Corrine said, "It's a lot of things." "For what it's worth, my folks weren't super great to me or my sister either. We both grew up in a somewhat absent household, but I like to think that I'm making up for their shortcomings by being there for my own daughter, and apparently now other peoples as well. But, I guess if that's what I'm good for, then I'm glad to be good at something so worth being good at." Nat walked to the door and, keys in hand, waved to Corrine as she opened it, but Corrine ran to her and threw her arms around her again, squeezing her tightly. "I'm sorry too," she whispered. "You don't have to be sorry," Nat said, "I'm the one who acted like an idiot. You're fine. Just keep doing what you do, and I'll see you at the live show." Natasha left, leaving Corrine alone in her dorm. Corrine sat down and looked at Nat on the screen, and smiled to herself. As she bit into the remainder of the payday, she couldn't help but feel like perhaps she'd finally found the people she'd always wished she could have around her. Certainly, her own folks hadn't been the greatest, and she tried to go for as long as possible these days without even talking to them, but maybe now she could finally move on for good. Corrine scrolled the video back and played the beginning, watching through the video one more time before exporting, and then went to lay down on the couch. It'd been such a long day. When Nat arrived home, Violet wasn't there, and she realized it was already about 8 in the morning. She exhaled and headed upstairs, seated herself on the bed and looked at the phone near the bed. She picked it up and dialed a number. A few rings went by, and finally someone picked up, and Nat smiled. "Hi mom," she said.
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Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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