The theatre was quiet, aside from a bit of shuffling and some folks clearing their throats or rustling their pamphlets. Natasha was seated on a couch on the stage, but the lights were off, and nobody could see anything. She took a long, deep breath, then pressed a button on the earpiece attached to her head and whispered, "Let's go."
The lights blasted on, and suddenly she was bathed in warm light, now clearly visible to everyone in the theatre, as they all began to clap. Natasha smiled softly and waited a moment, before cupping her hands and looking out directly at everyone. "Thank you for coming," she said into the headset mic, "I'm Natasha Simple, and welcome to my first live show. If you're here, it's likely because you're lost, confused or in need of help, but let me assure you that you're doing better than me, and I get paid for this schlock. Either way, like me, you're likely dissatisfied with your life and I can understand why. Life is, as a concept, extremely dissatisfying. I mean, let's face it, most of us, myself included, are never going to be wealthy, or fulfilled or even what society often considers 'happy', but I think that's the biggest lesson I've had to learn since my husband left...is that it's perfectly fine to not be those things, and it's sick to think it's wrong to think that way." A smattering of applause made Natasha smile as she stood up and started pacing. "I mean," she continued, "I'm supposed to see my divorce as a 'fresh start' or some shit, but it's not, it's an ending, and that's okay. It's okay to see things as endings, not new beginnings. Why do so many self help books praise the concept of closure, yet are afraid to see things as endings? You can't have it both ways. Either be afraid, or lie, but don't try and have your cake and eat it too. You just wind up with cake everywhere, making a mess, and life is messy enough, isn't it? So let's try to conquer the mess, shall we? Tonight, you and me. Together, we could maybe make something out of nothing." Some more light applause, as up in the booth where Corrine was doing her job with the lights and sounds, Jay smirked. He sipped his hot coffee and sat down on a stool beside Corrine, crossing his legs. "It's so good to see her be so headstrong," Jay said, "this has been such a weird year, and it's nice to see she hasn't lost any of her step." "She's a rock, yes," Corrine said. The door opened, and Sharla entered, eating out of a bag of banana chips. She nodded at Jay, who raised his coffee cup at her, as she sat herself on the couch in the back and stretched out, groaning. "I just came from the gym, sorry I wasn't here sooner," she said. "It's fine," Jay said, "She just started a few minutes ago, you haven't missed much." "Where's her kid?" Sharla asked, and Jay turned to look at her. "She's on her way with her aunt," Jay said, checking his watch, "and honestly they're later than you are, so don't feel bad." *** Sitting in traffic, Noreen tapping her nails against her steering wheel, she couldn't help but think they should've left sooner. Violet, sitting in the passenger seat, wasn't saying anything but was instead chewing on her hair absentmindedly, with Courtney in the backseat, reading a book she'd brought with her to ease the awkward quiet. Finally, Noreen sighed and glanced at her niece. "Well, I hope your mom doesn't hold it, you know, too harshly against us for being late," she said. "She won't. She never holds, um, anything against me," Violet said, "She'd have to, like, pay attention to me before she did that." This admittance surprised Courtney, who glanced up from her book, but didn't say anything. "Why do you say that? You know she loves you," Noreen said. "I know, and uh, and I...I love, um, her too, but, like...like she's so focused on fixing everyone elses problems, and never, um, ours, if that makes sense? I feel like, uh, like everyone else's problems are more important, or something, like, I don't know," Violet said, her voice trailing off to a whisper as she finished. "Well, you should tell her that," Noreen said, "I'm sure she'd listen. She adores you. I know she's busy trying to help literally everyone, and that, ya know, it has to be, uh, frustrating, but still. You're her daughter. You'll always come first. That's what my parents taught me." This made Courtney smile, but also feel bad. She didn't have a mom to help her feel good. She had her father, and he did his best, and they were best friends, but it wasn't the same. She was, honestly, jealous of the relationship Violet had with her mother. "I couldn't ever say, like, anything mean to her," Violet said, "That'd make me mean, and I don't wanna, ya know, be, uh, be mean." Courtney sighed and went back to reading, not having said a thing, but having taken it all in nonetheless. *** "You're all here because, like me, you've been forgotten in one manner or another," Nat said, "Whether it's by your family, your friends, or even yourself...you've gotten lost, somehow, in the mix and you don't know how to get back to the trail, but luckily for you, I'm a Forest Ranger, and together we can weather the wildness of the wilderness together to find our way back to camp. Was that a ridiculous thing to say? You betcha!" Laughter rose from the crowd, making Nat chuckle herself as she adjusted her earpiece and continued. "But, that being said, I do firmly believe in my ability to not just help you, but help you help yourself, and help myself in the process. That's the thing my husband didn't understand. So many people think you have to do everything by yourself, and, sure, a lot of things you do have to do by yourself. I won't deny that. But one of those things isn't suffering. You do NOT have to suffer alone. That's why I'm here. I am here to tell you that you are not alone in how you feel, and that I completely understand, because I suffer too. We all do. Really, our suffering is the one thing that binds us all completely together." Nat crossed the stage and nervously fidgeted with the buttons on her shirt before exhaling and facing the crowd once again. "We're all going to be left. We're all going to be left in one manner or another, whether our romantic partner leaves us or our parents eventually die, one way or another, we're going to be left. And that loss hurts tremendously, but it also brings us all so much closer, because we know we aren't alone in experiencing it." The doors to the theatre opened, and Natasha saw Violet, Courtney and Noreen enter and silently take seats in the back. Nat smiled and felt her eyes tear up. "My daughter is the single strongest person I know, and I draw all my strength from her. I never tell her this, much as I might want to, but I can easily tell a crowd full of strangers because I don't have to worry what you'll think about me. I don't know you guys. So let me tell you that our children, these people...these are the ones that help us through the most. I wouldn't be here today if it hadn't been for her. Her birth made me realize that I was capable of loving someone - selflessly and unabashedly - other than myself, more than myself. She's developmentally challenged, and yet she's the smartest person I know, and every day I feel like I don't even remotely match up to how much smarter she actually is than me, than all of us. To have to navigate a world not designed for you...that takes brains. Courage. Strength. And she has far more of all of those things than all of us combined." Noreen and Courtney glanced at Violet who was trying not to smile, clearly feeling simultaneously embarrassed but also loved at that exact moment. "I know it's cliche to say your child gives you purpose, but before her I was aimless. I didn't know what I wanted to do for a living," Natasha said, "and now I've spent the past decade trying to help all of you, because of her. You're all here to see me, you're all fans of me, but I'm her biggest fan. Don't take your strength from me, or what I say or think, take it from her. She's a better person than I could ever be, and she makes me strive every single day to be better, so I can help all of you. In hindsight, my husband leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me, because it forced me to realize what I was truly appreciative of....my daughter, and I couldn't have gotten here today without her." Violet got up and ran out of the theatre, trying to hide her face, and neither Noreen or Courtney followed her. Jay, from up in the booth, saw this and quickly exited to catch her in the main foyer of the building. He found Violet pacing in the main hall, where she was both crying and laughing. "Vi?" he asked, cautiously approaching her, touching her on the shoulder gently. "Jay?" she asked, turning to see him. "You okay? I'm sorry if that was embarrassing, but-" Without warning, Violet threw herself into Jay, hugging him tight, surprising him completely. Violet rarely even gave hugs to her mother, but she really needed it he figured, so he hugged her back and let her cry against him. "It's so much responsibility," she whined, "I love her, but, uh....but I feel, like, you know...so....um...responsible for her well being, and that's tiring." "I'm sure it is, sweetheart," Jay said, stroking her hair, "but-" "and," she continued, interrupting him, "I wanna make her proud, and I'm glad she finds strength in me, because I sure don't find strength in me." Jay knew Violet suffered from self esteem issues, but it had never remotely occurred to him just how big those issues might just be until this very moment. It now dawned on him just how little she actually thought of herself. He knew that finding Noreen had made her a lot happier, finding some reasoning for being the way she was and not feeling as alone now, but even still...Jay sighed and walked with Violet to the velvet covered staircase, sitting down together. He pulled his cap off and ran his hands through his hair, exhaling deeply, shaking his head. "...I love your mother," he said, "more than others do. I know there's, um, kind of an age gap but it isn't huge by any means. Either way, what I'm saying is that I've known you basically your whole life, and...and she isn't wrong. I know you still find it hard to accept being who you are, but you know, you aren't alone. I had a lot of trouble in school myself, and I know how you feel about not feeling as smart as the stock you came from, as smart as the peers around you. It can feel crushing." "Dad just left," Violet said, no longer stammering, "he just left, and I'm supposed to be there for my mom when I'm barely able to be there for myself? I love her, and I'm glad she pulls strength from me, but I'm a kid! Dad never cared. He claims he did, but he didn't. He didn't care. If he'd cared, he would've stayed for me at least, or he would've seen me sooner, but he didn't." "Well, I know I'm not your father, but I care," Jay said, making Violet look at him as he added, "and I know it'll never be the same, but-" "You've been around more than my dad has. That makes you the better man and I'm glad you're in my moms life," Violet said. Jay smiled, knowing he didn't have to say more. The silence between them said it all. They waited for the show to finish, and waited for Nat to join them, but eventually, as everyone filed out, Violet grew frustrated. She wanted to storm back into the auditorium and see what was taking her so long, but Jay just grabbed her arm and kept her there. Violet got it then. Her mother was once again doing something for someone. Someone other than her. And she would just have to get comfortable with sharing her mother with the world. *** Corrine was packing her backpack, wrapping up her headphones and other equipment to take back to her dorm, when the door opened and Natasha entered. Corrine turned and smiled at her, as Nat pulled the earpiece off and handed it to her. The women stood there, looking at one another, until Corrine finally nodded and pulled her backpack on over her shoulders and headed towards the door. "Thank you," Nat said, "Seriously, I couldn't have done the show or this live event without your expertise. Thank you, Corrine." "Don't mention it," Corrine said, "I'll see you next week." "Wait," Nat said, sitting down and pulling out a bundle of paper from a briefcase, "sit down." Corrine did as she was told, and the two women sat there on the couch together. "What's going on?" Corrine asked. "I pooled all the money we made from this event, and a lot of the money we made from subscriptions, merchandise and donations through the site this past year, and...and I put it all in one collected bank account. In your name." Corrine just stared at her. "What?" she asked. "All the money, it's...it's for you. After that discussion we had, you know, about your parents...it didn't feel right to just not do anything about it, so I took all the money I made from my job this year and I put it into this account. Sharla and Jay agreed to give up their shares for this year, since we're all still doing somewhat okay, so we could give all this to you, and keep you afloat financially. I'm taking a break from the show for a bit to spend the summer with my daughter. That being said, I won't have any need for your services until we return, so I got you a plane ticket and a nice hotel room on the islands, so you can go be with her, and you won't have to worry about your folks paying for your dorm because now you have more than enough money to pay for your schooling for a while." Corrine couldn't believe her ears. "What are you saying?" Corrine asked quietly. "You're going to Hawaii for the summer, to be with your girl," Nat said, "Staying in a luxury suite, and you don't have to worry about affording your schooling when you get back. You said you were a fan of me, well I'm a fan of you, Corrine. What you've been put through, and yet you're still going, and that's so admirable. You wanted a parent, let me be that parent." She handed Corrine the papers, and watched as Corrine sifted through them bit by bit, her eyes growing ever wider every few seconds. After she finished, she shut the envelope and looked at Natasha, then threw herself into her, hugging you tightly. "Thank you," she cried, and Nat patted her back. "It's no big thing," Nat said, laughing. *** Natasha got herself, Violet and Courtney fried chicken from a fast food place for dinner, and the three of them sat in the living room watching TV and eating, having a nice girls night in. After a while, the girls excused themselves to Violet's bedroom, leaving Nat all alone to watch TV and eat dessert by her lonesome, not that she minded. She wanted some alone time after that day. When Nat finally went to her bedroom around 11pm, she found Courtney staring in the hall bathroom mirror, trying to fix her hair, and Nat stopped and watched until Courtney noticed her. "Oh, hi," Courtney said, "Thanks for letting me stay the night." "It's no problem. Is Violet asleep?" Nat asked, and Courtney nodded. "Yeah, she fell asleep pretty quickly after we went upstairs," Courtney said, "Your show was really good, Miss Simple." "Courtney, can I talk to you?" Natasha asked, nodding down the hall, "in my bedroom?" Courtney followed her, shutting the bathroom light off, and when they arrived in Nat's room, she shut the door and sat down on the bed. Courtney was afraid she'd done something wrong, and felt nervous. Natasha exhaled, and looked at her feet. "...your father came to me a while ago," Nat said, "said business wasn't as great as it once was, that things were getting tighter money wise, and uh, and of course I know all about your mom. I mean, in the sense that she's not here anymore. Then Violet told me about, you know...you, and what you've been going through, becoming who you are, and I just thought to myself 'wow, women have it hard enough already, but this girl's gotta be having the worst time of any of us' because, it's bad enough to be a woman and get shit solely for that, but to be in your situation, that has to attract a lot of unwanted attention and that...I'm just in awe, honestly, and I'm so glad you're my daughters friend because...because it's good for her to have role models to show that other young women like herself, who fall outside the societal category of 'normal' or whatever, are honestly the strongest women there are." Courtney wanted to cry. She sat down in a chair and watched as Natasha reached behind her on the bed and pulled a suitcase to her lap, opening it. "I gave most of the money from this year to my editor, but since your father and I ran into eachother, I've been saving up, and hopefully after this next year, if things continue to go as well for me, between the two of us, we can afford to get you what you want. I think if we pool our funds together, we could afford the surgeries." Courtney went white as a sheet. "you...you'd do that for me?" she asked quietly, trying not to cry. "Yeah, of course. Absolutely. Every women, regardless of their sexuality or their gender or their intellectual capacity, deserves to be happy and respected," Natasha said, "...so yeah, of course I would. I know you lost your mom, and I can't imagine what that's like, but I'm always here, if you need a motherly figure. We'll get you what you want, okay? I promise." Courtney stood up and hugged Natasha, sobbing against her. Natasha smiled and stroked Courtney's long blonde hair, feeling like maybe now Courtney wouldn't feel so alone, just like Corrine. Courtney eventually pulled herself away and sat down beside Nat, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. "...I miss her so much," Courtney said, "and...thank you. Thank you for being there." "Of course," Nat said, "I know what it's like to be left." *** The bell above the door rang, and Noreen looked around to spot Natasha coming in and seating herself at the small round table in the corner. Noreen had already ordered coffee for them both, and was eating from a box of donuts. "Thanks for inviting me," Natasha said. "I figured it was important for us to get to know one another," Noreen said, "So, did you do what you wanted? Did it go over well?" "It went over great, actually," Nat said, picking a donut out for herself and sipping her coffee, "I figured everyone else in my life deserved to get a gift, since I got one." Noreen raised an eyebrow. "You got a gift?" "I got a sister," Natasha said, making Noreen laugh. And for the first time in over two years....things really were simple again.
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Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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