Violet hated water.
She liked it when it rained, but otherwise she hated water, and she especially hated water in communal situations; pools, the beach, etc. She just felt uncomfortable around all these people in their hideous swimsuits, and she felt self conscious in her own one piece, sitting on the side of the pool, just kicking her feet gently in the water. She heard footsteps, and looked to see Courtney approaching her, seating herself and handing Violet a soda she'd gotten from the machine inside. Courtney twisted the cap off her own and took a long drink. "I'm so glad it's summer," Courtney said, "I mean, the heat sucks, but it's nice to not be in school." "Yeah, school does suck," Violet replied, opening her own soda and sipping some. For the past few months, Violet had been seeing a speech therapist, recommended by Noreen, to help her with her stuttering and difficulty with words. It had been paying off, as Violet hadn't found herself stuttering or stammering anywhere near as much as she once had, and she was feeling better about herself. She kicked the water again a bit, and looked back at Courtney. "Do you wanna stay over tonight?" Violet asked. "Okay," Courtney said, smiling, "We could get BBQ for dinner. It is summer, after all. You have to eat BBQ in the summer, it's, like, the law or something." Violet laughed as an older boy - maybe two years older - walked past them and said hello before climbing up the ladder on the lifeguard tower. Courtney couldn't help herself but stare, biting her lip. After a minute, she focused her attention back to Violet. "Is your mom home?" she asked, "She won't mind if I stay over?" "Nah, she likes you," Violet said. Indeed she did, this much Courtney knew full well. After all, not that Violet knew this, Nat had offered to pay for Courtney's medical needs when she had the money necessary, and judging how well things had been going, that should be anytime now. Courtney smiled at the idea of spending the night in the Simple household. It always felt warm and welcoming, unlike her home. Ever since her mother was gone, her home hadn't felt the same, so she always appreciated having a stand in mother like figure to fall back on, and Natasha was nothing if not loving. *** "A book?" Nat asked, sitting with Corrine on the couch in the editing bay at the studio. The studio was in actuality simply a small building on a lot they'd rented out for production, and they'd since moved all of Corrine's editing equipment into it so she didn't have to edit at the college anymore. It wasn't an enormous building, but it had everything they required to continue producing the show at a profit, since the price of rent was just right. Plus, with the subscription model Jay had implemented on the site, not to mention sales from the merch store, Nat was in better financial shape than she maybe had ever been in her whole life. "Yeah, you know, everyone who works in TV eventually writes a book," Jay said, putting his feet up on a stool and putting his hands behind his head, adding, "like, you could really delve further into the topics you cover on the program, but with more detail. Really get into these things, maybe help people." "I'm not a writer," Nat said, "That's why I wing everything." "We could hire a ghost writer. You tell them what you wanna say, and they mesh it into something workable, publishable," Jay said. "Question," Corrine said, raising her hand, "...why's a book a good idea?" "Because it helps further her presence. When the show is off air, as it is during the summer, it's important to remind those who might otherwise forget about you that you're still here, and that you'll be back," Jay said. "If they forget about her because she vanishes for a few months then are they even really fans?" Corrine asked, making Nat chuckle. "It's just a suggestion, jeez," Jay said. "I appreciate your ideas," Nat said, "I do, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am about that. I like the medium I am in and I chose it for a reason. The kind of things I say require a visual, not just text. I don't want to water down my message simply for the hope of a few more dollars." Nat's watched beeped, and she looked at it before nodding and standing up, stretching. "I have to go, I'm having lunch with my sister," she said, "Anyone care to join?" "I don't wanna intrude, plus I have things to set up here still," Jay said. "I don't mind intruding. Free food is good food," Corrine said, standing up as Nat laughed and walked to Jay, kissing him on the head before she and Corrine exited the room. They headed down the hall and out the building into the parking lot. Corrine climbed into Nat's car in the passenger seat as Nat got into the drivers seat and pushed the key into the ignition. Corrine put her seatbelt on and Nat sighed. "I hope I wasn't too harsh on him," Nat said. "I don't think you can be too harsh on him. I don't think he feels things like judgement. I think he just rolls with it," Corrine said, "Now, someone like me, I feel judgement in every single thing said to me, even in the times when there is no judgement I will sense it. I will create judgement out of no judgement. But I suppose that's what comes from a lifetime of being judged." Nat wanted to say something, but she wasn't sure what. She knew Corrine's relationship with her parents was rough, but she also didn't want to pry. Instead she just said she understood, and drove in silence. Noreen had suggested they meet a bistro downtown - Noreen was a big sandwich fan and it was something that Corrine could find something to eat as well - so Nat parked across the street and she and Corrine walked over. They found Noreen almost instantly. She was seated by a window, in a brightly colored striped sweater and jeans, her hair in duel buns. She smiled at the girls as they sat down at the table with her. "Hi Corrine," Noreen said. "Yes, hello, good afternoon," Corrine replied. "I hope our lunch isn't interrupting anything important," Noreen said. "Oh, please, like anything I do is important," Nat said, making Corrine chuckle; Nat slid her overshirt off and hung it on the back of her chair then asked, "Have you ordered anything yet, or?" "No, I figured I'd wait for you guys so we could order together," Noreen said, "what are your plans for the summer?" "I'm just going to try and relax," Nat said, "Honestly, I've been working myself to the bone. I need some time off. Recoup and all that. Not that that means I'm not thinking of ideas or anything during this time. Just means that I'm not working 24/7 as usual. In fact, we were just at the studio talking shop, so." "And you?" Noreen asked, looking at Corrine, who just shook her head. Corrine had been planning to go to Hawaii to see her girlfriend, but a week before leaving the trip was suddenly cancelled and she hadn't talked about it since. Nat let her keep the money she'd given her, because that was a gift more than anything, but she hadn't pried. Curious as she may have been, she felt she shouldn't intrude that overtly into Corrine's private life. She felt when Corrine was ready, if ever, she'd tell her. "Sleep. I like sleep," Corrine said, "Nat's got the right idea. Rest." "Maybe you guys should get a bed at the studio so you can take naps together," Noreen said, making Nat raise an eyebrow as she glanced at Corrine, who blushed. "What do you say?" Nat asked, "I'm open to trying anything at least once." *** When Courtney and Violet got back to the house, Nat still wasn't there. This was good, actually. This meant they could take some time to get settled in before she got home and they asked about dinner. The girls went upstairs to Violet's bedroom and played music while Courtney, true to her word, helped Violet learn how to properly apply makeup. After a while, Courtney stepped back and looked at her work, as Violet looked at herself in the vanity mirror. "I look...pretty," Violet said. "You have good bone structure in your face, and that helps a lot," Courtney said, "Honestly, a lot of girls would kill to have the kind of face you do. You take my advice and you'll have a boyfriend in no time." Courtney started packing up some of the makeup, as Violet stared at herself in the mirror. She cleared her throat, then lowered her voice. "I don't know that I want a boyfriend," she said. "Oh?" "I don't know that I want anyone," she followed up with, "I just...I don't understand romance and how you feel compelled to be with someone like that. That much intimacy is terrifying to me. I don't even really find people attractive. I feel weird, like there's something else wrong with me." "There's nothing wrong with you, Vi, some people just...aren't wired that way," Courtney said, putting the makeup bag down and sitting on the bed cross legged, adding, "It's totally fine if you are. If anything it'll make life easier I'd say. Less bull to deal with. Unlike me. That guy at the pool, the lifeguard who's about our age, god...I wanna get to know him. He's so cute." "He is?" Violet asked. "Yeah! And he's always really nice to me the few times we've talked," Courtney said, "I was thinking of maybe trying to be a lifeguard. Or, like, a helper or something. That way I could spend more time with him during the summer." Violet didn't respond. She didn't want to say anything that might hurt Courtney's feelings, so she just looked back at herself in the mirror, admiring her face. Her entire life she didn't have a single friend except her mother, and she felt protective of Courtney, and now it seemed like she might lose her to some random boy. This was going to be a bad summer, Violet could feel it. Eventually, Nat came home, Corrine in tow, and they agreed to get BBQ for dinner. Even Corrine had some, which surprised Nat considering her aversion to eating most things, but Corrine stuck mostly to one particular item, so. After dinner, the girls watched movies upstairs in Violet's bedroom, while Corrine and Nat sat downstairs, eating cookies from a box and watching music videos on mute. As Corrine dug into the box and pulled a handful of cookies out, Nat glanced over and sighed. "So," Nat said, "Um, about what Noreen asked, I was wondering the same thing." "What, you wanna sleep with me?" Corrine asked, making Nat laugh. "No! God no, I mean, no offense, you're cute and all but no, but about the summer in general," Nat said, "You know, what your plans might be and stuff. I know you canceled your trip to the islands, and I just...I wanna make sure you're okay. Is everything okay?" Corrine stopped chewing and looked at Nat, keeping eye contact for once. "You don't have to mother me," she said sternly. "But I like mothering you!" Nat replied. "I just didn't go. That's all there is to it," Corrine said, "Who cares what the reason is. It just didn't happen. I'd rather stay here and work on things anyway. I like to spend most of my spare time in the editing station at the studio. Learning some of the new equipment is going to take some time, and I'd rather get familiar with it now than before the new stuff starts being made." Natasha sighed and looked away back at the TV. Corrine put the cookie box down on the couch and folded her arms, her long black shiny hair covering her face, and Nat was surprised when she heard her start to cry. Nat didn't say anything, but after a minute Corrine - surprising Nat to the nth degree - climbed across the couch and laid her head in Nat's lap, sobbing. Natasha, surprised but not shaken, stroked her hair and just held her. "It's okay," Nat said, "You're okay here. Whatever happened, you're okay here." Between Corrine, Violet and Courtney, when had Natasha become a mother to three? *** "Do you think I'm a good mother?" Natasha asked as she and Jay lay in bed one morning. "Yeah, I do," Jay said, "Why do you ask?" "I don't know, sometimes I worry that I'm not, that I'm too focused on helping everyone else instead of just being with my own daughter," Nat said, "but like...the other night, Corrine just started crying on my couch, and I just had to hold her for a while, and it just made me feel like I'm more a mom to other people and while it feels good to be there for these folks, it also makes me worry about my relationship with Violet." "The mere fact that you worry about whether or not you're a good mother, and don't just take it on assumption that you are, is enough proof that you're a good mother. Those who automatically believe they are would never second guess themselves. They'd consider themselves infallible. But you're always striving for more, asking to be better. That's enough for me." Nat smiled and looked up at the ceiling, sighing. "...when I got pregnant, I was scared that I wouldn't know what to do. That I wouldn't do the right things or that I'd do the right things in the worst possible way. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a mom, honestly. But I think a lot of women go through that, so. Even still, I hated questioning myself. I want to be self assured and confident, but more often than not I'm worried that I'm screwing everything up in ways I can't notice until it's too late." "Nat," Jay said, leaning on his elbow, "a year ago you dissed an entire school assembly because they didn't treat your daughter kindly, you dissed their parents failings to their faces, and you're letting your daughter see her father even though your relationship with the man crumbled and burned. You always put her first. Please don't ever think anything less." Natasha smiled as Jay leaned over her and kissed her, running his hand up her face and into her hair. "You're a good woman, it's just that society has conditioned women to believe the worst about themselves," he said quietly, "so listen to those who know you best. You're great, and you do great, and I love you." Natasha blushed and leaned up, kissing him back. It was hard to argue with him. Besides, she couldn't risk making him angry. He ran all her camera equipment and he'd be expensive to replace.
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Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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