In the last two weeks, Violet had only seen Courtney twice, and this was beginning to bother her. Since getting her apprenticeship at the pool under the lifeguards eye - the one she was hoping to make her boyfriend - Courtney had been extremely busy, but this weekend was dedicated entirely to Violet. Courtney had invited Violet over, and together they decided to go riding on a little trail around her home. It'd been a while since the girls had gone on horseback, so Violet was excited for it.
Bouncing gently along on their saddles, Violet and Courtney were now deep in the forested area surrounding Courtney's house, but neither one had said a word to eachother despite being together for 2 hours now. It was like the break in the friendship had killed any kind of conversation, and Violet didn't know how to handle this sort of thing. This was, unfortunately, a trait she inherited from her mother, who also struggled to say things to those she liked the most. Like right now, for example, while Violet was off horse riding, Natasha was having lunch with Noreen, trying to scrape together some ideas for the upcoming year. Biting into her sandwich, realizing it had tomatoes when she'd explicitly ordered it without them, Nat groaned and wiped her mouth with her napkin. "What about a podcast? Everyone does that now," Noreen said. "That's the thing, if everyone does it, why further saturate the market? Besides, I do video, and I don't wanna make that small of a change for a meager percentage of an audience boost," Nat said, "No, I'd rather stick to what I do. Jay recently suggested I write a book, and, like, I don't do that. I prefer video. There's a reason I chose that medium." "...how about..." Noreen started, before cutting herself off, almost looking embarrassed. "How about what? What were you gonna say?" Nat asked, watching Noreen stir her soup around in her bowl. "I don't know, I was gonna ask how about bringing me on? As, like, a co-host or something. A lot of your show in the last year or so was dedicated to the idea that your life fell apart, so what better way to prove to your viewers that it can be fixed than by showing them outright, you know?" she asked, and Nat nodded slowly. "That's...not a bad idea, no," Nat said, "and I'd love to have you on. It'd be nice to have a sister I could trust." Noreen smiled, making Nat smile. The girls had become closer than Nat had ever been with her actual sister she'd grown up with, and that made her feel like sometimes the most genuine relationships come from the least expected places. *** "Trail mix is such a weird food," Courtney said, eyeing the bag she was eating out off on her horse, "like, it's got a horrible name first and foremost. Sounds like you're gonna eat twigs and leaves. Ew. But it also is just a real mishmash of stuff. Peanuts and pretzels and raisins. What kind of weirdo came up with this? Some health nut, probably." "I don't know, I, uh, I like it," Violet said, admiring her own bag, "It's a good variety, you know? Like, um, it's not all the same stuff and it's also not bad for you. It's not exciting, I guess, but it's still good. It's good to have variety..." As the words left her mouth, her thoughts turned to Courtney and the lifeguard. "So um...how is your training going?" Violet asked. "Pretty good," Courtney said, "He's really nice. Since I'm a lifeguard I get to wear trunks if I want, which is nice. You should come and hang out when I'm on duty!" "Why?" "I don't know, it'd be fun to have you both around," Courtney said. "...I'm not fun by myself anymore?" Violet asked, catching Courtney off guard, who stopped her horse and looked at her, confused. "What do you mean?" "I mean that ever since you got this job, and started having out with this guy, I don't see you," Violet said, sounding genuinely hurt, "we were supposed to spend the summer together, and...and now you're off doing this other thing with this other person. I've never had a friend during the summer. I've spent every summer with my mom. I wanted to spend summer with a friend." "That's why I'm inviting you, Violet!" Courtney said, half laughing. "It's not the same!" Violet said loudly, "I...ugh, nevermind, I, uh, I don't know how to explain it." Violet kicked her horses sides a little and kept going down the trail, a semi confused Courtney not far behind. *** "Did your sister ever act jealous?" Noreen asked as she and Nat walked down the sidewalk in the town, eating an ice cream cone each. Nat shrugged. "If she did, she didn't show it," she said, "I mean, when I got the show, when I got married, when I got pregnant...she never seemed to let any of it bother her exactly, but she also was never really around either. Maybe that's why. Maybe she was so frustrated at what she didn't have that it hurt her to be around what I did have. I also never offered to bring her into the fold." "You never wanted to work with her?" "We're very different people," Natasha said, licking her cone, "like, she's a very private person, and I am not, as the world is well aware now." This made them both laugh as they sat on a bench outside an old book store. Nat crossed her legs and sighed, taking a bit of her ice cream. "Truth be told, I never really liked her much. I know that's, like, a horrible thing for a sister to say about their sibling, but she was always selfish and self centered and self absorbed. All the selves she was. She also always acted like she was better than me, when all I ever did was just be myself. I never tried to compete with her or anything, so I don't know where this weirdly combative almost competitive nature came from. I think she had trouble making friends of her own, and finding guys to date, so I think she was sort of jealous, but I never rubbed any of that in her face. I always did my best to be there for her, you know?" Noreen nodded, listening closely as Nat shrugged. "I guess in the end you either get along or you don't. I guess we just didn't. We were cordial, polite, but there was always this weird unspoken tension between us. And then when she fucked my husband, well, that just sort of blew everything up. The thing is, I don't even blame her for that anymore. I think I did at first, sort of a 'how could my own flesh and blood do this to me?' situation, but after thinking about how she's been her whole life, I don't blame her for grabbing her happiness where she could, even if it belonged to someone else. I blame Stephen far more, really." "I never really managed to make friends either, and never really had any interest in romance whatsoever," Noreen said, running a hand through her hair, smiling as she added, "but I guess it shows how alike two people can be in theory and still come out so differently. I'd never have sex with someone elses husband, let alone my sisters. Then again I don't know that I ever want to have sex at all, so. And then, uh, you know, with the friends thing, I guess I...I um...I just kind of like my solitude. Except for you. I like having you be my friend. And by extension your friends, I guess." Nat chuckled as they sat there and continued eating their cones in the warm welcoming silence of the summer sun, watching people walk by, go in and out of nearby stores. This, really, was all Nat had ever wanted from a sister. Someone to sit with and share things with and just BE with. Thank god for Noreen she thought. She couldn't have asked for a better replacement. *** "Why are you so grouchy?" Courtney asked, trotting her horse alongside Violets. "I don't know, I guess I'm just, like, ya know, jealous or something. Um, I never...I never had friends, you know?" she said, "And now this boy is taking you away from me and-" "Nobody is taking me away from you, Vi!" Courtney said, "You're still my best friend!" "Then why haven't we spent more time together this summer?!" "Because I wanna have normal teenage girl experiences," Courtney said sternly, the both of them looking at one another now, their horses completely stopped; Courtney sighed and shook her head, "Like, do you realize how hard it is for me to find people who like me? And I'm not just talking friends. I mean boys. To find boys who actually like me. I know on some level you understand, because you're not like other girls either, but it's very different for me. It's actually very dangerous for me, and I have to be very careful. Someone might hurt me." Violet stared at Courtney, who was now trying to hold back tears. "Like," Courtney continued, sniffling, "just once I wanted a boy to like me, you know? I wanted to have a normal teenage girl experience." "Every experience we have is a normal teenage girl experience because we're normal!" Violet said loudly, surprising Courtney as she added, "who says we're, like, not? Like, uh, I mean just because we don't act the same as other girls or look the same as other girls or think the same as other girls doesn't mean we're not normal too! However you are is normal. Normal is whatever you exist as!" Courtney smirked, both surprised and proud of this growth Violet was showing. "I...I know you wanna do things that I don't wanna do, or can't do, but I also miss you," Violet said, "Whenever we're not hanging out, I just spend all my time in my room or with my mom when she's home, and having a friend...that's been a normal teenage girl experience for me." "...I'm sorry Vi," Courtney said, walking her horse up to Violet's and leaning in, touching her leg, adding, "I'm sorry, I didn't know this was bothering you like this. We should talk about this sort of stuff. You're my best friend, we should be more open about these things. Thank you for bringing it up, albeit somewhat angrily." Violet laughed, which in turn made Courtney laugh. "...thanks for inviting me to ride horses," Violet said. "I like horseback," Courtney said as they continued down the path, "I like sitting on my high horse." *** Natasha was in the kitchen that night when Violet came home. Jay wasn't there, Corrine wasn't there, Noreen didn't even come over for dinner, it was just Nat and Violet. Violet peered into the kitchen to see her mother making something to eat, and she smiled at her daughter upon seeing her. "Hi honey!" she said, "You hungry?" "I ate a lot of trail mix and now I feel sick," Violet said, seating herself at the table; she sighed and looked around the kitchen, tossing her bangs from her eyes before asking, "mom, do you think I'm normal? Do you think Courtney is normal? She wants to have normal teenage girl experiences, and I just...I guess I don't understand what she means." Natasha turned away from the stove, looking at her daughter. "I think she probably means the typical stuff that's expected from teenagers," she said, "You know, dating, stuff like that. You don't wanna do those things?" "I don't wanna date anyone, ew," Violet said, making Nat laugh. Natasha pulled her oven mitt off and walked over to the table, sitting down and reaching in, touching Violet on the face. Violet smiled at the physical attention from her mother and shut her eyes, just enjoying the touch on her skin. "Did you tell her what I told you? That normal is whatever or whoever you are?" she asked, and Violet nodded, so Nat patted her cheek and added, "That's my girl. Because it's not just some dweeby parentism, it's true. People turned the word 'normal' into an insult at some point, and I'm aiming to teach people that when they're told they're not normal, what they're really being told is they aren't like the person insulting them, and that's a GOOD thing. Don't be like someone who insults others. Be the exact opposite and revel in your own normal." The oven beeped and Nat got up, walking briskly back to it as Violet got up and hugged her mom from behind, resting her face on her moms back. "I love you mom," she said. "I love you too honey," Nat said, smiling, "Dinner's done if you're hungry." Violet was in fact hungry, so she went upstairs, washed her hands and then came back down for dinner. As they sat there and ate, the first dinner in a while they'd had to themselves, Violet couldn't help but feel good about just having her mom to herself again, even if just for tonight. "So what did you do today?" she asked. "You know," Nat said, skewering a piece of broccoli and popping it into her mouth, "normal girl stuff." Violet smiled.
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Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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