"I fucked up," Nat said, sitting on the couch in the editing bay with Corrine, who was stuffing herself with a bag of chips while listening to Nat; she continued, "I fucked up in such a way that I'm not sure it can be undone. I always told her that I'd be there to pick her up from school, that she'd never have to ride the bus home, and on the rare occasion when I couldn't be lately, she could get a ride from Courtney, but she also wasn't there today and god dammit I'm a piece of shit."
"What's so bad about riding the school bus?" Corrine asked. "It's not the school bus proper," Nat replied, "...it...it's a shortbus. The first day we went to that school, she saw it and asked me why there was a different sized bus for other kids, and I told her it was for kids with developmental issues, but I also assured her that she would never have to ride it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with those kids as they are, but I also didn't want to decimate her self esteem, and now I've done just that." "Well," Corrine said, "...that's certainly a fuck up alright. How do you fix something like that?" "That's the million dollar question," Nat replied. "So, how did this happen? Where were you that you couldn't make it to school on time?" Corrine asked, crunching her chips, making Natasha sigh. Truth was...she was spending her day shopping, of all things. *** "Are you sure you wanna do this? I thought we were keeping it fairly casual," Jay said as he turned over a lamp to look at the price tag on the bottom and grimacing at it before setting it back down and adding, "Not that I'm, ya know, against something more secure, I just...I dunno." "If I wasn't sure I wouldn't have asked," Nat replied, moving a lampshade in circles to admire the pattern, "I have to move on with my life, and we're good together. We work together, we've known eachother for years, this is the right thing to do. I like you, and I rarely like people romantically." Jay smirked, appreciating the comment. He couldn't be happier than he was with where his life had gone. He was proud of the work he'd put into getting her website and new show off the ground, seeing the success it had granted her, and even now being her boyfriend. He put his arm around her waist and made her giggle as he pulled her close to him and kissed the side of her head. "I feel like I never do things for myself, you know?" she asked, "and this is the one time I want to do just that. So long as we're done in the next hour because I have to pick Violet up at school. What do you think about this lamp? I like this. It's old timey, and yet modern. I think it's a nice fit." "I personally don't have much emotional stake in lighting," Jay said, "Despite being a camera operator. What time is it anyway?" "Uh," Nat said, checking her watch, "about 1:30. Why?" "Hungry, looking forward to dinner," Jay said. "We just had lunch!" "I'm a man with a big appetite," Jay replied, shrugging, making her laugh again. One thing was for certain, her relationship with Jay was so much easier than it had ever been with her ex. At this point in her life, she'd take easy over effort any way. Nat was tired of putting effort into things that nobody else bothered putting effort into, and she was glad Jay was on the same page as she was. Simplicity was where it was at, really. *** "I didn't even know he was moving in," Corrine said, "...can...can he do that, like, while I'm staying with you?" "Well, he'll be sleeping in my room, with me, in my bed, so," Nat remarked, making Corrine nod. "Fair. So wait, you were late because you were shopping?" "I was late because my ex was a cheap son of a bitch," Nat said, though without context this statement only made Corrine all the more befuddled. She sat back and listened. She figured, after a bit, Nat would explain it all, and explain it all she did, boy. *** "So long as you don't change my shower curtain, I don't really mind whatever other improvements you make to the house," Nat said, "but that shower curtain covered in sharks stays where it is. Fucking with it is an act of war that will not be taken lightly." Jay laughed loudly as he ran his hand over a well packaged comforter and shook his head. "Don't worry, the last thing in the world I wanna do is change anything or upset the natural balance of your life," he said, "though, perhaps a new comforter would be a welcome change if nothing else. Yours is kinda scratchy." "You leave my comforter out of this," Nat said sternly, but grinning, making Jay smirk. The thing is...with her ex, Nat had never been able to have a faux combative relationship. It had always been 'perfect', until it wasn't, but the truth was it had never been perfect. If something seems too good to be true, chances were it probably was, and as she learned, this was the case. But this relationship with Jay, it was not only easy, but also fun. They could joke around, they could pretend to be annoyed, they could go shopping together just for the sake of it, not for an actual reason, and that was more than she ever had with her ex husband. "I suppose a new comforter isn't out of the question," Nat said, sighing, "that one is pretty old, and you're right, it is pretty scratchy. I'm all for upgrading to softness for the foreseeable future." She stopped, staring at Jay who was looking up at the ceiling of the store, his eyes glued to a stereo, listening intently. She sidled up beside him and watched, crossing her arms, waiting to see what he was doing. After a few minutes, she finally cleared her throat. "Uh, yo, what's going on?" she asked. "This is the Matt Reeves show," Jay said. "Who the hell's Matt Reeves?" "He's just a journalist, but...but his show is only on at 3pm," Jay said, "...and radio doesn't do reruns, it's not like television. I'm just...confused. What time did you say it was?" "I told you it was...uh..." Nat said, now staring at her watch on her wrist with confusion, "...is...1:30? It's...still 1:30? That...doesn't seem right, does it?" "I think your watch is broken," Jay said. "It's three?!" Nat shouted, "I have to go, I have to...oh jesus no." With that she turned and rushed out of the store, Jay right behind her. *** "You never bought a new watch?" Corrine asked, taking a sip from her soda on the desk as Nat sighed and laid her head back on the arm of the couch. "I never had a reason to, and I don't even know when this one broke, it was working the other week!" she said, annoyed, "I am so fucking angry. It's not enough that he ruined my marriage, but now he's ruining my relationship with my daughter and he's not even in the goddamned house!" "Okay sure, but this wasn't intentional," Corrine replied. "...I guess, but still, I have to blame someone. I...I can't blame myself," Nat said weakly, "...I can't be a bad mom." "You're not a bad mom, Natty," Corrine said, chuckling, "So you forgot to pick her up one day, what's the big-" "She moved out," Nat said, knocking the wind out of Corrine, who stared at her, chips falling out of her mouth. "What?" she asked. "She moved out," Nat repeated, "...Violet moved in with her father." *** "You promised," Violet said, sitting in the living room on the couch, her eyes staring at her hands in her lap, her voice barely a whisper; she sniffled and held back a cry, adding, "...you said the one thing I'd never have to do would be ride the shortbus. They made me ride the shortbus." "And I'm going to have a very long talk with them about that, but this wasn't my fault, my watch-" "It's never your fault, is it?" Violet asked, surprising both Jay and her mother with her venomous response; she leaned in, her eyes finally meeting her mothers, her stutter almost nonexistent now as she continued, "it's never your fault. You're always helping someone else. You're always fixing something else somewhere else. It's never about me anymore. I don't care if that sounds selfish, but I want my mom back! Stop trying to be everyone else's mom and be mine for once!" Natasha felt her heart break in her chest, and the light faded from her eyes. She felt Jay's hand on her shoulder as she sighed and ran her face through her hands, groaning, trying to think of something - anything - to say to her daughter that would make sense, but instead all she came up with was "...you're right," she answered, "you're absolutely right. For the past year or so, I've been putting you entirely on the backburner, and I sincerely apologize. I put the show ahead of you, my new sister ahead of you, my relationship ahead of you..." "I mean, I...I want you to be happy, mom," Violet said, "but I don't want that happiness to come at the cost of my own." Nat and Violet stared at one another for a bit, until Violet finally stood up. "I'm going to stay with dad for a while," she said softly, before exiting the room. As she headed up the stairs, Natasha couldn't understand how things had come to this. She'd always done her best to be there for her daughter, she tried to be her best friend, her protector, and now she was leaving for the man who had cheated on her with her own sister. She felt sick. Nat looked up at Jay, who wouldn't look at her, despite his hand still being on her shoulder. "...why do I keep losing the things that should mean the most to me?" she asked quietly, "...and why don't I feel worse about it than I do when it happens?" Jay didn't really know how to answer that, so he didn't even try. *** "For what it's worth," Corrine said, now seated on the couch as well, with Nat's head resting on her shoulder, "you're a better mom than mine ever was. I just think some parents have a really good relationship with their kids until a certain point, and then things kinda fall apart. It's inevitable. It can't be helped. But I think she'll come back around." "Do you?" Nat asked, "Do you really think she'll come home?" "I do," Corrine said, nodding, "She's a good kid, she loves you, just give her some time to cool off and once she sees what living with your sister and her dad is like, she'll wanna come back. Blame the watch, blame your ex husband, blame yourself, but in the end, kids always pull away from their parents in one way or another, and that's nobodies fault. The ones who come back in the end always have the strongest relationship with their folks. You and Violet will reconcile. My parents and I will not." Nat smiled weakly and squeezed Corrine's hand gently. "Thanks," she whispered. "Anytime," Corrine replied. *** Standing in Violet's bedroom that night, while she slept over at Courtney's until her dad could make room for her at his place, Natasha took in all the decor and items she owned, taking in who her daughter actually was. For such a long time, her daughter had been a one note descriptor to those who'd asked: "Yes, her name is Violet, she's developmentally disabled." But that was a facet of the personality, not the personality itself. Violet was so much more than that, and Nat always knew this, even if she didn't openly acknowledge it. She didn't like to push Violet to talk about herself, she figured when the time was right, Violet would open up in her own way to her, and a lot of times she did. But Nat also couldn't deny Violet was right. She'd been taking care of so many other things and people lately, that she'd neglected - albeit unintentionally - her own daughter, and now she hated herself for it. She sat on the bed and looked at the night stand, turning the light on and noticing a charm bracelet they'd put together at the mall for her 8th birthday. She heard the door open and she looked up, surprised to see, of all people, Noreen standing there. "What are you doing here?" Nat asked, as Noreen entered the room. "Jay called me and told me to come over," she said, seating herself on the bed beside her sister, "...is everything okay?" "I think the more accurate question is anything okay," Nat said, "...I never wanted this. I never wanted to be famous, I never even wanted to have a real show...I made the show so she could see there was goodness in the world, you know? People who care about other people. But in the end it seems all I've done is convince her that parents all wind up neglecting their children in one capacity or another. Same as my own parents." Noreen nodded, listening, looking down at the bedspread and the design of planets and stars, running her hand over the blanket. "...for the longest time, I was mad that I was adopted, but honestly, it was for the better, and now I can't imagine having had different parents. Violet loves you. She'll come back and-" "You and Corrine and Jay have all independently said the same thing," Nat said, "saying 'she'll come back', and I have no doubt that that's true, but the problem is that she's not here NOW, and that's what hurts. I have the show, but the show was for her, and without her, what's the point of having the show?" Noreen nodded, understanding as she ran a hand up and down her sisters back. "Teenage girls are complicated," she said. "Everyone is complicated," Nat replied. *** "What's that bus?" Violet asked, pointing at a smaller bus behind the regular school bus the first day of the new school year. Natasha looked behind her and looked at the bus she was pointing at, trying to ascertain exactly what it was she acknowledging. "Oh. That's...that's a different bus for special needs students." "Isn't that what the doctor called me?" Violet asked, looking up at her mom, her eyes wide. Natasha smiled and ran her hand down her daughters face. "You're special, yes," Nat said, "but not like that, and I promise you, you'll never have to ride one of those, okay? I might make and break a lot of promises in life to you, but I'll never let that one lapse, trust me." Violet smiled and nodded, leaning in and hugging her mom before climbing out of the car and heading inside for her first day at the school. As she watched her daughter head indoors, Nat couldn't help but feel a sense of pride, a sense of pride for the daughter she loved more than anything or anyone else in the world. Every parent thinks their child is special, but Violet actually was. And not just in the way the medical community considered.
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Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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