Natasha was lying on Violet's bed, staring at the ceiling. The house was eerily quiet, and she didn't know what to do with herself. She rolled onto her side and looked at the stuffed giraffe Violet had forgotten to take, the one she'd gotten at the zoo when she was a little girl. Nat figured she'd bring it to her sometime soon, after she'd gotten settled in at her fathers. She knew Violet would want it. She heard the door open slowly and she looked up a bit to see Corrine standing there, sipping juice from a small glass.
"...are you okay?" she asked softly. "I don't know," Nat said, "I think that's what bothers me the most, is I'm not even sure how I feel about this." Corrine entered and sat on the bed, pulling her long unkempt hair back into a ponytail and sighing. "...I think it's fair to not know what to feel, you know? It's understandable to feel uncertain about your feelings," she said, "this is a messed up weird situation, it only makes sense that you wouldn't know what to do when it happens because you never expected it to happen. I certainly didn't know how to feel after she left me this summer. I...I was upset, sure, but on some other hand, I was weirdly happy to be free of it? Everything is so confusing all the time." Natasha sat up, posted on her elbows, and looked around the room. "I remember when we first decorated this bedroom," Nat said, smiling weakly, "it's weird, with kids people always talk about the big things - their first day of school, their graduation, their birth - but it's the small stuff, the seemingly mundane, that you remember the most. The days when you just are together, play together, decorate a bedroom. Those are the days that I recall with the most clarity." Corrine reached over and patted Nat's shoulder, and Nat smiled more, reaching up and holding her hand. "She'll come home," Corrine said, "trust me, she'll come home." "I know she will," Nat said, "...I just wish she didn't have to because I wish she'd never left." *** With Violet gone, Natasha suddenly found herself throwing herself into her work like never before. She'd always been somewhat of a workaholic, a trait that had only gotten worse in the last year or so since her fame had skyrocketed, but now...now she found herself at the studio all the time. As she parked today and walked inside, she was surprised when she found, of all people, Sharla there, in her workout attire, sitting on a medicine ball and sipping a shake. As Nat entered the room, Sharla wiped at her eyes, and then waved. "...everything okay? What are you doing here?" Nat asked, pulling her jacket off and tossing it onto the couch. "Just, you know, trying to come up with routines," Sharla said, "Can't keep doing the same workouts every day. Eventually people catch on. They want variety." "Pffft, people just don't know what's good for them," Nat said as she sat on the floor beside the medicine ball, "can I ask you a question about your career?" "Of course." "Do you do what you do for you, or for the benefit of helping others? I'm not saying it's inherently bad to be selfish, self care is selfish no matter what anyone else might tell you, but do you genuinely believe in and enjoy helping others with what you do? Did you start out doing this for your own health, or?" Sharla took a long sigh and squinted, clearly thinking hard about her response. After a few minutes, while Natasha looked at her nails while waiting, Sharla finally replied. "I guess it's a mixture of both. I mean, I wanna stay in shape for myself, obviously, but I also think health is an important thing that a lot of people don't take seriously enough, and I'm all for body positivity, don't get me wrong, I'm happy if people feel comfortable in a body that isn't considered conventionally attractive, but there comes a time when those two reach a very grey area, and some people don't realize that while it's fine to be heavyset, and be happy about it, it can also be unhealthy. And there's no shame in that, either. One's a body type and one's a health crisis. They can co-exist." Nat nodded, listening intently, pulling her legs to her chest and hugging them. "But I do think I do a lot of what I do for me, yes," Sharla said, taking another sip of her shake, "and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. Celebrities, even well meaning celebrities, are doing some of what they do because they want recognition. I'll admit it. But it depends on what you do with that celebrity status, not what your original intentions were. You can be the most famous movie star in the world, but as long as you continue to donate money to worthy causes and live within the means of a so called 'ordinary citizen', then nobody can really judge you too harshly. It's when you put the needs of a solid gold pool over the needs of the less fortunate that things become murky." Nat nodded, taking it in. She thought about Violet. She thought about how she'd put Violets needs behind those of other people in her life. She should've focused more on her daughter, and she could see that now. She just had gotten so caught up in things... "I'm gonna write a book," Nat said, "Well, I'm gonna get someone to help me ghostwrite a book. I'm gonna set things straight once and for all, and tell people I am not someone to be either envied or imitated." "That sounds like a smart plan," Sharla said. "My daughter moved out," Nat said, her voice cracking. "What?" "My daughter moved in with her father," Nat said, her eyes watery now. "Oh honey," Sharla said, reaching down and patting the top of Nat's head, "I'm so sorry. I'm sure she'll come back." "That's what everyone's told me, and I appreciate the well wishing but...a part of me can't help but feel that I wish people would tell me she might not, and that I should be okay with that too. She's her own person. She has her own feelings. She's not an extension of me, I don't live vicariously through her. I just want her to be happy, and if her happiness comes at the cost of losing my relationship with her, then so be it. Whatever it takes." Sharla felt her heart break a little, but she couldn't deny how thoughtful she felt that sentiment was. Nat truly just wanted what was best for her daughter, and who could fault her for that? She handed her shake to Nat, who took a sip and commented on how good it was. For someone she never expected to work with, Natasha was pretty fond of the fitness guru who'd wormed her way into her life. Turns out health nuts really do want the best for us, she thought. *** "I have no idea what this is, but it's delicious," Jay said, shoving another piece of sushi in his mouth, "that's the thing about Sushi, if I can't tell what it is, then I can't be disgusted by it can I? Once you tell me something is made of fish anus or something, then I'll be disgusted, but otherwise, it's all just some kind of meat and vegetables wrapped in rice and seaweed." "Do fishes have butts?" Corrine asked, sitting across the table from him, sipping soup broth from her bowl. "I don't know, but I intend to never find out, nor taste them," Jay said. The sound of a chair being pulled out surprised them both, but it was just Nat coming back from the bathroom. She took a long sigh, then cupped her hands on the table and looked down. "I wanted you both here because I decided to do what you thought was a good idea, Jay. I should get a ghostwriter and release a book, but not just a regular book, I wanna release a book that tells the readers why they should think for themselves and not listen to me or look to me for guidance. A book that pushes them away from me so they can become closer to themselves," Nat said, "thoughts?" Both Jay and Corrine were sitting there, each about to each a piece of sushi, as they exchanged a glance. Corrine popped her piece in her mouth and chewed, while Jay set his down on his plate and sighed. "...I...I mean, it's a noble idea, certainly," he said, "but-" "Could you help me find a ghostwriter?" Nat asked. "I suppose." "People need to realize I'm not to one to be idolized or revered or even admired. People need to find the strength in themselves, not in others, certainly not in me. I mean, if I can't even be there for my own daughter, how good can I be for other people?" Nat asked. That was a question that garnered no response, not that Nat was actually looking for one. *** She was asleep when the doorbell rang. Nat rolled over, realized she'd fallen asleep on the couch with the TV on mute, and heard the doorbell ring again. She groaned, the finally got up and made her way to the door, stumbling over her shoes. She yanked it open, and was surprised to see, of all people, Courtney standing on her porch. "Oh," she said, "Hi, come on in. You know Violet's not here, right?" "I'm aware, I came to see you," Courtney said as she entered, Nat shutting the door behind her. "Me?" "Yeah," Courtney said, "Uh...it's about what happened. About Violet. I've been to her dads a few times since she moved in, and...and I don't feel comfortable going there, honestly. The whole dynamic is weird. I mean, you might have already known that, but, I don't know. Anyway, I just wanna say that I think what she did was...maybe not the best idea. I mean, she wasn't wrong in that she felt ignored, but...maybe she left too hastily? As someone whose family was ripped apart, I guess I'm oddly protective of moms." Natasha smiled warmly. She'd always liked Courtney, and now seeing her here, without her daughter around to influence her attitude, she could truly appreciate Courtney for who she was. Nat sat down on the couch, Courtney sitting beside her, and ran her hands through her hair, exhaling as she did. "I appreciate that, I do," Nat replied, "but like you said, she wasn't wrong. I did my best but it wasn't enough and it probably wasn't even my best. Trust me though, I know how you feel. Neither of my parents died, but growing up I felt neglected while my sister got more attention than me, and as a result, I looked to other older women to substitute the mom role. Teachers, friends sisters, whatever. Whoever I could stamp that role onto, I would, because I so desperately needed a mom." Courtney nodded, listening. "...but the thing is, I wasn't neglectful, and it still wasn't enough. I certainly wasn't intentionally neglectful anyway. Willingly neglectful. I admit that perhaps I was on some level, but it was never on purpose. But maybe that's what hurt more. My mom veered adoration towards my sister, but I veered adoration towards everyone else. If Violet had had a sibling, maybe it'd have been more understanding, but to give that attention to absolute strangers? That had to hurt to watch." "...I just don't think she realizes how much you care, and caring can become an issue, I guess, but..." Courtney said, "...I'm jealous she has you as a mom, because you care so much about everything and everyone. But Violet isn't me, and I recognize that. Her needs are different than what my needs would be. She's special, and I know that." Nat nodded in agreement. "You think your mom would love you now?" Nat asked, "Not to pry or anything, but." "I think she would, dad said she would. Dad said that I'm braver than even my mom was," Courtney said, "and that she'd have recognized that bravery and respected it. Violet and I are different, that's why we're friends, but we're also different enough from one another for there to be some weird tension sometimes, and I just...I wanted you to know that even if she's mad at you, as she has every right to be, I'm not." Nat smiled, then pulled Courtney in for a hug. She asked Courtney if she'd like to stay for dinner, and she agreed. They ordered in a pizza and talked about her mom some more, and Nat felt some comfort in knowing that at least she could be some good kind of surrogate mother to someone in need. *** Violet was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The house was eerily quiet and she didn't know what to do with herself. She'd forgotten Topsy, her stuffed giraffe, and she felt sick about it. She needed him. Maybe she'd call her mom tomorrow and ask her to bring him over. She rolled onto her side, facing the window, and could hear her dad and aunt talking in the hall, just far enough away to not be able to make sense of it, but close enough to know that the tone indicated frustration. Everywhere she went, people seemed to be frustrated. She shut her eyes and tried not to cry. She missed her mom so much. After a little bit, she pulled out her laptop and opened the lid, logging onto the browser and finding her moms website. She watched a few videos, trying to appreciate what she could, but she found it so hard. She was so mad, but she was also mad that she was so mad, and then mad that that madness wouldn't subside. She felt confused, and sick. She wanted to go home, but nowhere felt like home anymore. She began to close the laptop, only to hear a ping sound, indicating she had an e-mail in her inbox. She switched over to her e-mail and noticed it was from Noreen. This lit her up a little. Violet opened the e-mail and read it to herself: "Heard what happened. I am here for you. You are loved. - Noreen." Violet then shut the lid and laid back down. She looked down to the side of the bed and noticed the little brown duffel bag she'd packed. She had become her father. She'd also walked out. For different reasons, certainly, but she had done it, and she hated herself for it, and that's what made her angriest of all. She was more mad at herself than she was at her mother, because society had conditioned her to believe her mother was perfect. She was great, no argument there, but perfection was not an attainable trait, and Violet knew that better than anyone. After all, it was something she'd been taught by her mom since the day she'd been born. People saw a filtered version of Natasha, while Violet saw the real thing, and while the images differed only slightly... ...those alterations made all the difference in opinion.
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Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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