"Okay," Sharla said, entering the bedroom, "this is sad. This can't go on. There's headcases and then there's you, and I'm sorry but I refuse to have someone as unglued as you be my friend as it reflects poorly on me so someone needs to bring you back up and I guess that's up to me."
"Wow," Nat said, lying in bed in shorts and a tank top, "You should be a motivational speaker. I feel so much better now." "Get up," Sharla said, walking further in and gathering clothes from the floor, loading them into a nearby hamper, then opening the closet and digging through things, "We're going out. We're going to get you an outfit, and Jay and I are gonna take you out to get your mind off things. It's been weeks since Violet moved out, and I know it hurts, but this cannot go on." "Why can't it?" "Because you're depressing everyone." "Oh, okay," Nat said, "I get it now." "Get in the shower, do your hair, your makeup, I'll find you a-" "I'm not showering, I'm not dirty, I'm just lazy and unkempt," Natasha replied, "and I don't need makeup and my hair is fine. And if you're gonna drag me out of the house against my will, then I'm wearing whatever I want so I want sweatpants and a lose t-shirt with a horrible logo on it." "Sweetheart, no," Sharla said, looking back at her from the closet over her shoulder, "I'm sorry, but I can't let you go out like that. If you were terminally ill and really had nothing to live for anymore, that'd be one thing, but no. This is just a bump in the ride. You'll get past this." Nat had trouble hiding her appreciation for Sharla's dry wit, but she tried her best as she climbed off the bed and headed into the bathroom. If nothing else, she'd wash her face, comb her hair and put on some eyeliner. She had always liked the way eyeliner looked on her. As she stared at herself in the mirror, she could swear she saw her mothers face staring back at her for a moment, and it terrified her. She wasn't that old. Not that getting old bothered her in the slightest, but if there was one person she never wanted to resemble, it was her own mom. Especially not this young in life. *** "Nice space," Ashley said as she entered Corrine's workshop at the studio, "It's lovely, and open, yeah, you can do a lot with this. Or rather I can do a lot with this." She entered further and tossed her purse down on the couch, then walked around the room, looking at it. Corrine stood nervously by her editing equipment, trying not to watch, but enamored all the same. Ashley stopped, hands on her hips, nodding at what she saw. "This has potential," she said, "We could make this a pseudo live in studio. That way you won't have to stay at home all the time. We could put a little homey nook in here with a little basic frame bed and all sorts of stuff. That way you can stay and work but also live comfortably. Do you feel like you're taking advantage of my sister, staying with her? Is that why you asked for my help?" "I...I don't know, I feel weird I guess, sure," Corrine said, "Like...I've never lived with someone and had it be a positive experience, you know? So for her to treat me well, yeah, it does feel odd. But also I like being alone, and I like working, so I'd prefer to stay here sometimes. Especially with the way she's been lately since Violet let...oof." Ashley nodded, pursing her lips. She walked back to Corrine and, pushing some of her bangs from her eyes, looked at her dead on. "Violet misses her mom, like, a hell of a lot," Ashley said softly, "she won't openly admit it, exactly, but it's obvious, and I've heard her say things to Stephen that are almost outright acknowledgement, so. We've tried to convince her to go home, but she's so angry. The thing is, I don't even think she's angry at her exactly, I think she's just angry in general. The world dealt her a shitty hand in every other aspect except her mother, and she has every right to be angry. That friend of hers...uh..." "Courtney?" "Yeah, her, thanks...she comes over from time to time and you can tell Violet is oddly jealous of her. Courtney gets to live a so called ordinary teenage life, and Violet isn't allowed that, and she's aware of it. I think it's the recognition of her limitations that bother her far more than the limitations themselves. That she's aware of what she cannot do. If she was so slow that she couldn't be aware of it, I think somehow that'd make her happier, but she isn't and she is and that fucks her up."i "...are you a psychologist?" Corrine asked, "Cause boy I could use some therapy." Ashley threw her head back and laughed loudly, shaking her head, one hand on her collarbones. "No, no, I just...I know what it's like, you know? To be hyper aware of what society considers your flaws and whatnot. I..." she started, then stopped, then walked to the couch and sat down, sighing as she continued, "...oh boy. One of the reasons I agreed to help you with this was because I felt like I could relate to you, because I've felt weird about Stephen and myself ever since my health got better, and it's bothering me." "Why's it bothering you?" Corrine asked, sitting down beside her. "When I got sick, you know, I was...I hate to admit it but I was sort of there for the taking, if you know what I mean. I was desperate. Willing. I needed someone to care about me. Stephen gave me that. But that love wasn't really returned in earnest, because what I needed was to know someone cared before I died, but then I didn't die, and now I feel guilty about trapping him like this because...being so close to death makes you reassess who you thought you were as a person, like, on a fundamental level, you know?" "Can't say I do, never been that close to death, but please go on," Corrine said, making Ashley chuckle. "Well, it does, and analyzing our relationship during illness vs after illness has made me acutely aware of a few revelatory things," Ashley said, "the first of which is that Stephen likes damaged women. He and Nat met during a rough time in her life where she was struggling to find something to do with her life and wasn't getting along with our folks. Then he came to me when I got sick and she didn't need him the way she once did. He likes damaged women. I don't think it's intentional, nor do I think he knows it, but it's true. And he's not taking advantage of anyone. He likes to feel needed, and to help. It's all coming from a good place, I can tell, but it doesn't change the fact that that's the kind of woman he pursues, not out of genuine love but out of a necessity." "...I think I know what you mean," Corrine said, "I got dumped this summer, by a longtime partner, and it...it fucked me up, but it made me realize that she was too under the thumb of her own mother, and she would never be in a happy relationship unless she broke free of that." "Right, exactly, you get it. These flaws, they need to be broken and rebuilt," Ashley said, "but Stephen's only half the issue here, because I'm also to blame. I looked to someone familiar for comfort, not for something else I really needed. All you've heard so far is Natasha's side of the story and, let's face facts, she has every right to be angry but it isn't the whole picture as you're not brutally aware." Ashley sighed and looked down at her hands in her laps, her perfectly manicured french tip nails. "...I decorate because it helps me retain a sense of control," she said, "same reason Nat does what she does. When you grow up in a household that takes control of any kind away from you, you sort of fight to keep what little control you eventually get back. When I was sick, when I was spending a lot of time at the hospital, I started talking with this nurse. Around the time I got better, I didn't need to go anymore, and I missed talking to her. I started noticing things I'd never noticed. I started noticing people I'd never noticed. Checkout girls and waitresses. Stephen and I would be out somewhere for dinner, and I couldn't help but coyly flirt with the woman taking our drink orders. Compulsory heterosexuality is hell. See, the thing is, Nat fought to find herself because our folks so badly wanted us to be like them. They weren't bad parents, they just...were controlling, you know? I don't know how to explain it. They weren't abusive. They just had very rigid ideals for us and we failed to live up to them. So Nat railed against it all and she fought to discover who she was. I didn't have that kind of bravery. I stuck the path. I tried to be perfect for them." Corrine's breath felt caught in her chest, her hands sweaty. This was not what she'd expected when she'd invited Ashley over to help figure out redesigns for her work space. "...that's why I turned to Stephen. Compulsory heterosexuality mixed with fear of death mixed with the need for familiarity. It was a whole jumbled mess of garbage, and...and I was terrified, man, I was so scared. Now I'm scared for other reasons." "What makes you scared now?" Corrine asked. "You." The room was dead quiet. Corrine swore she could hear her own heartbeat. "I...I scare you?" she asked, almost laughing. "When you came into my house the other week with my sisters," Ashley said, turning to face her more, "I was instantly attracted to you. That's why I liked that you stayed behind to help clean up, so we could talk more. That's why I took this opportunity to come meet with you, because I wanted so badly to see you again." Corrine didn't know what to say. This had been one hell of a summer. Her longtime partner had dumped her rather unceremoniously and now she was being confessed to by the estranged sister of her boss. What a life she led now. "I'm sorry, I understand if this is awkward, I just-" "No, I...I feel the same way," Corrine said, forcing the words out of her, "I found you really attractive immediately, but because of my professional relationship with Natasha, I wasn't sure if-" "Natasha has built her entire career out of telling people to do what they have to in order to be happy," Ashley whispered, reaching forward and touching Corrine's face, making her turn sheet white, "...don't you wanna do what you have to in order to be happy? Cause I sure do." Corrine didn't know how what happened next actually happened. She would try to recall it later, but it all seemed so jumbled. She could vaguely remember Ashley leaning in and pressing her lips against hers, pushing her onto her back and climbing on top of her, kissing her more passionately and yet so gently than she'd ever been kissed before. And she could vaguely remember not stopping her or complaining once, because this was all she wanted right now. To hell with it, she thought afterwards, we'll decorate the room another day. *** "There is nothing worse to me than being a non alcohol consuming person in a bar," Sharla said, as she, Nat and Jay sat at a table together and ate snacks and drank drinks. Jay chuckled at this statement, and even Nat cracked a smile; Sharla continued, "I just don't drink, I'm too health conscious and I hate the taste of it anyway, and yet everytime I go on dates, or just go out for fun, some dickhead has to push alcohol on me. 'Just try it! It's fun!', like, yeah, so is a root canal." "Jesus," Jay muttered, laughing as he and Natasha ate from the same basket of nachos. "It is exhausting, the social exhibition one has to endure in order to participate," Nat said, "that's why I never thought it was worth it. Find one or two good friends and ignore everyone else. Don't get sucked into that world of unnecessary societal norms. Just be who you are with who you want and be happy." "Has that worked well for you?" Sharla asked. "Well, when I finally find those two people, I'll let you know," Nat said, all three of them laughing now. Natasha was thankful Sharla had dragged her out of the house. She'd been working nonstop lately, and she'd been so upset about Violet, so she was, in hindsight, grateful to her friends, not that she'd ever admit it outright. She was much too prideful for that sort of display of appreciation. But she didn't need to anyway, Jay and Sharla knew. And while Nat was having a good time, unbeknownst to her her own daughter was doing the same thing. She was with Courtney and her lifeguard boyfriend at a nearby bowling alley, actually enjoying being sociable for a change. Both Simple girls were having a great time, and neither one knew the other one was doing so. If Nat could've seen her daughter, she would've realized how alike they truly were, and how proud she was of her for coming as for as she had. The Simple girls - Violet, Nat, Noreen and Ashley - had been through a lot in life, but the funny thing is, they all came out the other end relatively unscathed. There's something to be said about just being yourself, Nat thought.
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Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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