Nat's bed hadn't been slept in. Her car wasn't at her house. She wasn't answering her phone. All of these things were compounding to make Jay begin to worry, and worst of all, he didn't know who to turn to for help. When he tried to talk to Sharla about it, Sharla told him she was likely taking some time to herself and to just let her cool off, and when he called Corrine, he couldn't even get her to stay on the phone for more than a minute because she was "busy" with a project, that project - unbeknownst to him - was Ashley. Sitting in Nat's house, on the couch, staring ahead at the blank television screen, all Jay could ask himself was...
...where the hell was Natasha Simple? *** "What else can I get you?" the waitress asked, as Natasha put her menu down. "I want some more coffee, and, uh, a piece of pie I guess," Nat replied, "Thanks." The waitress took the order, smiled, then turned on her heel and headed back to the kitchen. Nat slumped in her booth seat and sighed. She pulled her cell phone from her coat pocket and looked at it. 28 new messages. She sighed again and rubbed her eyes, stuffing the phone back in her pocket. "Running away from something?" a voice asked, and she looked over the booth seat behind her to see a young woman sitting there, looking at her. "...kinda, yeah." "Well the pie and the coffee is a good start," the woman said, "but you know what would really piss whoever's trying to find you off? Throwing your phone into a body of water. They do it in all the movies, so it has to work." Nat smirked. She appreciated this strange girls candor. "What are you doing?" Nat asked as the waitress brought her coffee and she started to pour some sweetener in it and stir. "I'm on my way back to college, was only in town for a bit this summer to see my folks," the woman said, "and I like eating in diners. It's like, one of the last places around where you can feel like you're just like everyone else, no better, no worse. You're all here for the same thing, you know? To just...relax and have a meal. It's nice." Nat nodded. She understood exactly what this girl meant. The waitress returned a moment later with Nat's pie, setting it down before leaving once again. Nat picked up her fork and started cutting into the pie and scooping it in her mouth. "Do you have kids?" the woman asked, and Nat stopped cold in her tracks. "...yeah, I do," she replied quietly. *** "Well where the fuck is she then?" Jay asked, and Corrine shrugged as she sat on the couch with Ashley while Jay paced around Nat's living room, frustrated and flummoxed; he turned and looked at them, furrowed his brow and asked, "...and why did you come together?" "We're redecorating her office," Ashley said, nodding at Corrine, "so we were doing that when you called originally. We've been meeting for about a week now." "Oh, well, that's cool," Jay said, scratching the back of his head and adding, "jesus, this isn't like her. She isn't the type of person to just take off like this." "If you think that then you really don't know her," Ashley said, surprising Jay, who turned to face her, confused; she continued, "take it from someone who grew up with Natty, she's...flighty, I'll say it. She's not a bad person by any means, don't take me the wrong way, I'm just saying that she can be kinda tough to keep in one place. She likes to be alone. Much as she loves her daughter, and her friends, she also struggles with being with others." Jay finally plopped himself down in a recliner and folded his arms, exhaling slowly. "Alright, so...where do we start? What do we do? Do we just wait for her to come back? Do we report as missing? That usually takes 72 hours or some shit. What's our inroad here into how to handle this situation? Not only because we have a show to begin producing again soon, but also because I'm genuinely worried about her." "I get that, and that's sweet, but take it from me, you'll be better off in the end just letting Nat do whatever it is she needs to do," Ashley said. Jay nodded, taking that into consideration, even if he didn't fully believe it. *** Nat was sitting outside the diner now, sharing a joint with the college student. As they leaned on the planter boxes, passing the smoke back and forth, Nat couldn't really believe what she was doing and where she was. The college girl tossed her hair out of her face and pulled her beanie further down onto her head. "My mom died when I was really young, so it's my stepmom and my dad now," she said, "but things are weird. I don't really get along with her the way he'd like, and then there's tension cause of how my mom died so things are awkward between he and I, so. The whole situation's messed up. I only really come back during the holidays to see my friends, honestly, but I feel like I'd get bitched at if I didn't stop at home." "I get that," Nat said, taking the joint from her and taking a long puff before waiting then handing it back and exhaling into the sweet summer air, "my home life is fucked. My husband left me for my sister, my daughter left me because I didn't pay enough attention. Everything is just...a mess, and it's really kinda all my fault. I put my career before my family. I wanted to help others learn to help themselves. Learned helplessness is something nobody ever talks about, but it's so common, and I wanted to help people unlearn that." "That's a noble cause, I can get behind that," the college girl said, "...but are you sure your daughter is mad at you, specifically?" That got Nat's attention, and she looked at the girl. "What do you mean?" she asked. "I mean, like, maybe she's not mad at you specifically, as a person, but at the persona you have in the public," the girl said, "Like she knows you as a totally different, totally real person, and I'm not saying you're not actually that helpful kind person in reality, you certainly seem like one, but I'm just saying that maybe she's annoyed at how fake everything is. You were on TV, right? That's what you said? Television, even stuff on public broadcast, isn't as real as you'd like it to be. But now you're online, ya know? And that can also have a veil of unreality to it - more often than not it does I'd argue - but you can choose whether to be real or not because you're not hiding behind some corporate mandated policy. You work for yourself. You decide the reality. Maybe she wants to see you be you, and not the persona." Nat was shocked. Not only had she never considered this, but she was completely taken aback by the fact that this was being brought up to her by a goddamned college kid. The girl shrugged and pressed the joint end shut to save it for later before sticking it in her shirt pocket. "But I don't know, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, I mean, after all I'm not famous, I'm not an influencer or whatever, so-" "...she wanted me to be me, not the person they thought I was," Nat said softly, "but I got so wrapped up in my business that the persona became who I am. She got sick of the facade. There was no telling the difference between me and 'me', right? The curtain never closed. I was always in performance mode. And you're saying she got, understandably, tired of it." "Yeah, basically." "That's...really insightful, actually," Nat said, "...but I know she's also annoyed that I helped others instead of focusing on her, and she has every right to be annoyed at that." "So help others together or something," the girl said, shrugging again, "there's plenty of online teams who do good work for others together. Just...get her involved." Nat leaned against the planter box and sighed, shaking her head. The college girl checked her watch and knew she had to get back on the road. She pulled the joint back out and handed it to Nat, smiling. "You can keep it, I got plenty more," she said, "I need to get back to driving if I'm gonna make it back on time." "I'm sorry your mother died," Nat said, "but I'm sure she'd be proud of how intelligent and kind you are." The girl was not expecting this level of bluntness, and she blushed. "Thanks," she said, "I hope things work out for you. You seem like a great mom, for the record." Nat watched the girl walk to her car and get in. She started it, waved through the windshield, then backed out of the parking lot and headed off down the road. As she watched the car disappear over the horizon, Nat thought about what the girl had said. About getting Violet involved. Violet was far more inspiring than Natasha could ever hope to be. She could be a true role model for people like her, people with mental disabilities, people who could see her and think, 'hey, I can be okay! society is wrong!'. She pushed the joint into her coat pocket and then headed to her own car. There was one last place she had to go. *** Corrine was sitting in Ashley's living room while Ashley put music on on her stereo. Once it was playing, she turned and looked at Corrine, smiling, but Corrine wasn't smiling. Ashley didn't want to waste this afternoon. Stephen was away on business, and she had the place to herself for a few days. She wanted to spend that time with Corrine, preferably in a good mood. "Worried about my sister?" Ashley asked. "Kinda, but I'm also worried about me," Corrine said. "And how's that?" Ashley asked. "Cause, like...if she can break, any of us can break," Corrine said, "She always seemed so sturdy, so unbending; she survived so much like her husband leaving and her show getting pulled and all these sorts of things, and the thing that actually manages to take her down is a magazine that calls her a role model? I know Violet leaving had a lot to do with it too, but still, the magazine's where she really seemed to crumble." Ashley pulled her hair back into a ponytail and sat on Corrine's lap, looking in her eyes. Corrine looked back, blushing hard, still not used to have a beautiful woman be interested in her again. "It's sweet that you worry about her," Ashley said, "it really is. You're a really good, true friend, and that's really attractive. But I'm telling you, as someone who grew up with her, she'll be okay. She's always okay. She'll take some time alone, take stock of some things in her life and come back with a better attitude. This is just what she does." Ashley leaned in and kissed Corrine's neck, making her blush even harder. "Now," Ashley whispered, "We can worry about my sister until the cows come home - and no I'm not calling my sister a cow - or, we can try and live in the moment and enjoy ourselves. Aren't you tired of focusing on everyone else for a change? What about what you want?" "...I know what I want," Corrine said, grinning and kissing Ashley, making Ashley laugh. She was right, Corrine knew. Worrying would do nothing. They couldn't find her. She had left no paper trail, and she clearly didn't want to be around anyone. All anybody could do was simply wait for her to come back. To come home. To their surprised, she was on her way home. Just not the home they knew. *** Natasha opened the car door and stepped out onto the dirt. She looked up at the small house, and she smiled. She started walking up the walkway and approached, noticing the lights inside were off, and it was still essentially abandoned. She fidgeted with the door and opened it, heading inside. The house was on a small piece of land, a bit aways from the nearest town, and there was nobody else around for miles. As she entered through the door and further into the domicile, all the memories came rushing back. The laughter, the smells, the music, the love. This was a place built on memories, a place she had tried so hard to forget because of how much the loss had hurt. Natasha walked into the kitchen and for a brief moment she swore she could still smell her grandmothers cooking. She walked further in and ran her hand across the countertops, dusty and dirty, but still beautiful, still worthwhile, just like her. She leaned against the counter and looked around the kitchen. All the great meals her grandmother had cooked in here, all the little parties they had thrown. Where did the time go? She sighed and pulled her phone from her coat pocket, and finally opened the screen to a flurry of messages, all of which she ignored. She found a live streaming app, headed into her account, then walked into the living room and set the phone on the fireplace mantel before hitting "stream" and walking back into the center of the room. "...hello, my name is Natasha Simple," she said, her voice shaky as she continued, "...you might know me from my public access show of many years, or my current endeavor, my website and webseries where I try and help others get their lives under control and back on track. I love helping people. But now I'm asking for help. I need someone, anyone, to listen to me, please. Because I'm about to tell you a story. It's about me, and how I failed everyone around me, and how I don't deserve their forgiveness." She hesitated, wiping her eyes on her coat sleeve before chuckling and looking back at the screen and exhaling. "Don't forget to subscribe while you're here," she said, "cause this may take a while."
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Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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