"Where to even begin," Natasha said, pacing back and forth, chewing on her lip, "I guess...I guess the beginning, right? All stories start with a beginning, and life is no different. I don't mean my beginning, either, I mean the beginning of this show. Back when I was originally on public access, I had no idea what it was I was doing. I just knew I wanted to help people have the confidence to make decisions themselves without second guessing, doubting or questioning it. Unfortunately, far too many people listened to me, instead of listening to themselves, and unfortunately the person I should've been paying attention to most, my daughter, was the person who got pushed to the sidelines."
She sighed and leaned against the wall, running a hand through her hair. "I guess I just thought she was strong enough to be okay without me all the time," Nat continued, "I guess I just sort of thought that, yeah, she's got developmental delays, but she's better than me in every way so if I can make it, why can't she? It never once occurred to me that she might've needed me in a bigger capacity than I expected, and I was so caught up in my career - especially post marriage - to even think to ask her. But I also never ask myself what it was I really wanted out of all this." She pulled the magazine from the table and looked at it before holding it up in front of her phones camera. "They called me role model of the year," Nat said, tapping the front cover which bore her picture, "...me, a role model, someone who can't even keep her own family, much less herself, together. Doesn't exactly sound like a person one should be emulating or admiring. And role model to who, exactly? The public? Okay. But not to the person who needed me to be a role model. My daughter. I don't think I deserve this. I mean, awards are hacky as it is, but this one really irked me." Nat pulled a package of cigarettes from her coat pocket, lit one up and took a long drag before looking back at the camera and scoffing. "And don't act like you don't have a vice, it's hard to quit the one thing that gives you relief in times of duress," she said, "We all have it, whether we openly acknowledge it or not. I'm just saying, don't shame me for smoking...it's the least worst thing I've done this summer." *** "You're seeing this, right?" Jay asked, sitting at home on his laptop, his phone to his ear. "I am definitely seeing it," Corrine replied, sitting beside Ashley on the couch as they watched, dumbfounded. "Do you recognize where that is?" he asked, "Cause I can't for the life of me place it." "Dude, I know her even less than you do, so," Corrine said, "maybe we should just let her get it out of her system. Maybe once she's done she'll come back and everything will be okay. It hasn't exactly been the best summer for anyone." "And what if she doesn't come back," Jay asked, leaning back in his chair, "What if she specifically went somewhere no one could find her, so that we wouldn't be able to stop her if she wanted to do something to herself?" No answer. After a long moment, Jay sighed and shook his head. He knew Nat would probably never hurt herself, but he couldn't be sure. Still, all he could do right now was what they were doing. Watch the feed. The comments were beginning to pour into the livestream chat, and after all was said and done, damage control would be easier than trying to find her outright. *** "We never realize who the most important people to us are until it's too late," Natasha said, "Until, you know, they're either gone or about to be gone. In fact, shit, they don't even have to be the most important people to us. They can be ANY people to us. We always just assume we'll have just one more day, just one more chance to talk to them, just one more year to fix ourselves, but truth is we're not guaranteed anything. We weren't even guaranteed existence. Our births are outright accidents. I don't mean that in the sense that your parents didn't want you, I mean it in the sense that who you are could've been an entirely different person. You might not've been the sperm that made it, if you know what I mean. So the mere fact that we're even here is an act of rebellion in and of itself, because that wasn't even guaranteed." Natasha dragged over a small, old semi broken table and sat on it, crossing her legs as she did, pulling her hair back into a messy ponytail. "...I wanted to have a kid. I really did. I wanted to have a child. I made that decision long before I was even an adult. I knew that I always wanted to have a kid. But when you're given a child like mine..." she took a long sigh and scratched her forehead, as if she was trying to find a way to say this nicely, "...you are given a whole other set of issues that come along with the standard set of child rearing. That isn't to say I'm unhappy. I cannot imagine my life without my daughter, and the fact that I fell apart once she moved out proves that I don't see a life without her. But it's easy to take someones presence for granted when they're always there. I'm not saying dealing with the school system has been great, because it hasn't, quite frankly, but I wouldn't change a thing about her. Hell, she's braver than I'll ever be, and no matter what a doctor might say about her, she's smarter than I'll ever be too." Nat wiped her eyes on her sleeve and shivered a little as she took another drag off her cigarette and tapped the ash onto the floor below on the side of the table. "...I'm what broke up my marriage." Natasha finally said after a pause, and to hear the words come out of her mouth, it made her sick; she went on, "for a long time I wanted to blame my husband, but it wasn't his fault. I mean, okay, it's partially his fault, but no failure is entirely on one person, especially when it comes to something like this. Some relationships do fail entirely because one person is putting in all the effort and the other isn't, sure, but not every relationship is like that. It's a very 50/5o situation. I focused on my career, on helping people who weren't the people in my family, in my life, that I should've been more dedicated towards, and as a result he felt ignored, and I was so involved with myself, my ego, that I couldn't even bother to ask if he was happy. I can't blame my sister, either, she thought she was going to die. She didn't know she'd survive and unwittingly helped along the further dissolvement an already dissolving family unit. It was me. It was mostly me, and I've been trying to ignore that fact for so long, and I did a pretty good job until this summer when my daughter left too, and suddenly I was facing down the stark realization that maybe I AM the problem." She took a long breath, then wiped her eyes again and took another long drag off her cigarette before putting it out entirely. "...and I'm so sorry, Violet. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry I wasn't a role model. I'm sorry for everything. I get now how alone you felt, because I feel it myself. You had to leave to make me understand. For any parents watching this, hug your children, if they want it, and ask them how they're doing, don't just assume you know. Assumptions lead to broken bonds." Nat stood up and walked up to the phone, reaching out and biting her lip again, as if she was waiting to say one last thing. She had no way of knowing that everyone she knew - Jay, Corrine, Ashley, Noreen, Violet, Sharla - and of course the people on the site as well who were just her fans, were waiting with baited breath to hear how she finished. "...i'm a bad mother," she finally said softly, "but you're a great daughter. Ask your father where we lived. He'll know where to go." And the livestream died. *** Violet and her father sat in his car on the way out to Natasha, with no radio, no air conditioning, just total and complete silence. After a bit, Violet finally cleared her throat and glanced at her father, who carefully glanced back. "...i didn't mean to hurt her," she said. "Sometimes your mother has to be hurt to realize the damage she's done," Stephen replied, "what I mean by that, and please let me explain because it sounds bad on the surface, is that your mother is the kind of person who intends well, but doesn't recognize she's doing something wrong until it's too late. Sometimes she has to be put in her place for that perspective to shift. I didn't mean to hurt her either. These things just happen." "...i think i wanna go home," Violet whispered, and Stephen smiled as he reached over and touched his daughters hand gently. "You can go home, nobody's keeping you from being with her," he said softly, "believe me, I think you got your point across." Violet laughed a little. Surprise surprise, she thought, all these years her mother had tried to teach others something, and in the end it wound up being her own daughter who taught her the most important lesson of all. Natasha was seated on the porch outside when they pulled up and parked. Violet flung the door open and ran up to her mom, throwing her arms around her and squeezing tight. Natasha was full on crying, she couldn't help it. She squeezed Violet against her body and whispered in her ear. "I'm so sorry, it'll be different from now on," she said quietly. "I missed you, mom," Violet replied. "I missed you too, pumpkin," Nat said, kissing her on the forehead, "oh my god my life was not a life without you." Stephen approached the house, hands in his coat pockets as he looked up at the place and grimaced. "Boy, this place has seen better days," he said. "Where IS this?" Violet asked. "This was the very first place we lived before we got the place in town," Nat said, turning around and facing the building again, "it belonged to your fathers uncle. He left it to us when he died of cancer, and it was alright for a well but eventually we felt like you should be raised closed to the city and we didn't like all the upkeep that came along with it." "Tried to sell it, but never had any buyers," Stephen said, "a shame, could've been great property." "I like it," Violet said, "but I like it like it is now. Broken, but still here. Like us." Nat laughed and hugged her again, kissing the side of her head. "Let's go home, please, I'm starving," Nat said. "You guys wanna get pizza? I'm buying," Stephen said, and the girls took that offer. Each entered their respective vehicles, Stephen in his and Violet with her mother in hers, and pulled away from the house. As they headed back to the city, Natasha was so happy to have her daughter back she couldn't even begin to comprehend the messages the website was becoming inundated with. E-mails from mothers and daughters alike, from families broken apart or still together, from parents with dead children and children with dead parents, all commending Natasha for her bravery, and Violet for being just as brave if not braver than her mother for putting herself first for once and demanding change. She'd deal with it in a few days, when the dust had settled, and for the moment is was Jay's problem. She didn't know this livestream would change her career, she just knew that she had Violet back in her arms, and that was all that really mattered. Her family was broken. But it was her family. And she loved it just as much. *** 14 YEARS EARLIER "I wanna be on TV," Nat said, sitting outside with Stephen, smoking a joint between them; "Something where I can help people, like a sexier Mr. Rogers," she added. "Please, there's no one sexier than Mr. Rogers," Stephen remarked, making her snort. "You're right, it's true! That modesty, such a turn on," she said, making him laugh as well. She took another hit than handed the joint back to him as she sipped her drink and looked up at the stars. They were sitting on a friends apartment roof during a party, escaping the noise and the crowd for a moment. "Besides, Mr. Rogers wasn't on cable, and that's where the big bucks are," Stephen said, taking a long drag. "It's not about money, man, it's about, like, making sure others are okay too, you know?" Nat asked, "that's why you go to public access, because that's where the people who are most vulnerable can find you. The ones who need the most help." "You sure you want people to have access to you, publicly?" Stephen asked, and Nat thought for a moment. "...yeah," she said, nodding, "Yeah I do. At least for a while. We'll see how I feel in twenty years." "Remind me to ask you how you feel in twenty years then, Stephen asked, leaning in and kissing her, as she kissed him back, the fireworks exploding overhead, celebrating the new year that'd just arrived. She'd tell him she was pregnant tomorrow. Start the new year out right. Til then, the cells in her stomach would be her little secret. She knew he'd be delighted. She just figured tonight should be memorable as their last night as young, hip people instead of upcoming parents and all that that responsibility brings with it. "For what it's worth," Stephen said, "I'd sleep with Mr. Rogers." "Well I can't blame you, so would I," Nat replied, the both of them chuckling, "that'd be a very fine day in the neighborhood indeed."
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Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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