Violet had always found comfort in bathrooms, and with the grief she got at school, she found the school bathroom to be no less of a comforting place to escape to. Thankfully the girls bathroom was excessively clean, and usually the girls didn't hang out in it like the boys seemed to hang out in theirs. So Violet locked the stall door, sat on the toilet, covered her ears with her headphones, and listened to whatever she wanted off her phone while she ate lunch in absolute peace. Sometimes she felt bad about leaving Courtney alone for lunch, but lately she just hadn't been feeling too social.
Sitting there today, eating a plain proscuitto and cheese sandwich on french bread, sipping her drink she had on the floor next to her feet, her head calmly bobbing along to her audio piping into her ears, she couldn't have been happier or more at peace. She felt a light rumble, and she pulled one headphone off an ear and turned down the volume, then listened closely as she heard a few girls enter. It sounded like a trio. She didn't recognize their voices. "She can try and pass herself off all she wants, with her fashion and stuff, but she isn't fooling anyone, not anyone who knows anyway," one girl said, "She's a total fraud, and she'll never be anything other than that." "My least favorite aspect of the whole thing is that she thinks she's one of us. Not like, our friend group specifically, just...another girl at school. She's not unpopular, but she's also only popular because of that aspect of herself. It's 'cool' now, or whatever." Violet furrowed her brow and took another bite of her sandwich, listening intently. "Whatever, as long as she doesn't try and be our friend I don't care," the first girl said again, "And she hangs out with that retarded girl, the one whose mom has that show, and it's like what a perfect pairing honestly. Two fucking losers society puts up and panders to." "That's not really the same, Tess, I mean, Simple can't help the way she is," the third girl said, finally chiming in, "that's just, like, something you get from birth or whatever." "I guess that's fair," the first girl, Tess, said, sighing, "Still, don't want either of them around me, but I guess I shouldn't compare them one another. At least one isn't pretending to be something she's not. That Simple girl, she acknowledges she's dumb, and she accepts it, she doesn't try and pass herself off as anything otherwise, and I appreciate that. Nothing worse than a fake personality." The girls finished whatever they were doing at the sink, one used a stall next to Violets, and then the three of them left. Violet pulled her legs up on the toilet lid and sat cross legged on it, finishing her lunch. She gently pulled her headphone back down over her ear and chewed for a bit, then buried her face in her arms and cried. *** Natasha was sitting on a chair on set, reading from a script while the hustle and bustle of production resumed around her. She heard a door open and found Jay coming up on the set stage and sitting on the arm of the couch there beside her chair. Nat looked up at him and smiled, as he pulled his cap off and scratched his head, smiling back. "Yo," she said. "You almost ready to start again?" Jay asked. "I think so," Natasha said, "Hey, let me ask you something, do I sound sincere to you? Like, I don't sound like I'm reading prepared lines or something, right?" "Naw, you totally pull it off," Jay replied, "Really, I'm honestly always rather impressed, myself, cause it seems like memorizing all that kind of stuff would be difficult. I can't even be trusted to remember what I'm going to say next, let alone an entire script of things people expect me to say. So yeah, you're doin' okay." "Thanks," Nat said, pushing her hair back behind her ear, as Jay walked off and Sharla entered the main production room, hopping up onto the stage herself and seating herself where Jay had been, the both of them watching after him as he walked back to the main camera and got behind it, adjusting settings. "He's cute," Sharla said, "In a...weird, like a...a dating website commercial kind of way. Very non threatening, you know? You know how they always cast men wearing slacks and button down shirts and holding puppies? These are what they think women want." "They're not wrong, I want a puppy," Nat said, making Sharla laugh; Nat finished looking through her papers and looked back at Sharla, asking, "What are you doing on my set, anyway? Did you need something?" "No, just bored," she said, shrugging, "Are you shooting soon?" "Yeah, as soon as I'm done looking over this stuff." "How's your daughter doing?" Sharla asked, surprising Natasha who just shrugged and smiled. "She seems alright these days," she said. *** Violet was - much to her mothers lack of knowledge - not alright these days, especially this day in particular. After searching the school for the remainder of lunch, she finally found Courtney in the school library where she was using one of the school computers to write a paper. Violet sat down at the computer beside her, and just stared at her until Courtney finally glanced over, smirking. "Stop staring at me, it's creepy," Courtney said, laughing softly. "Some girls in the bathroom were talking about you," Violet said, getting her attention. "...about me in regards to what, exactly?" Courtney asked, turning away from the computer and fully facing Violet now. "I don't know. They called you a fraud. They say you...um...are not like them, or something," Violet said, looking embarrassed, "I already kinda forgot, I'm sorry. I don't have good memory." "It's okay," Courtney said, putting her hand on her friends shoulder, adding, "they're right, but you know what, I don't wanna be the kind of girls they are. I like the kind of girl I am. I'm not mean like them. I'm not judgmental, and if that makes me a fraud, then fine. I'll happily be a fraud." Violet started chewing on her nails, a nervous habit she picked up more since her father had left, and sat there, watching Courtney turn back to the computer and keep working on her paper. As she watched, Violet racked her brain, trying to figure out how in any possible way Courtney could potentially be a "fraud" of any kind, and she simply couldn't come up with it. The bell rang just as Courtney finished printing out her paper, and then said bye to Violet before grabbing her bag from the floor and rushing off to her next class. Violet stood up and headed towards her next class, only to be stopped by one of the girls from the bathroom. "Hey," she said, "I'm Tess, we have history together." "Hello, yes, I recognize you," Violet said. "I was wondering if you wanted to skip class and come hang out with us in the girls bathroom," Tess said, "We may have been...mean to you in the past, and we'd like to make up for that. I personally would like to make up for that. We're just gonna hang out and talk." Violet hesitated, but she'd rarely been offered a chance to fit in with her peers, so instead she nodded and silently followed Tess back to the girls bathroom. As they entered, they found one of the other girls from before already there, but the other was missing. Tess sat on the counter and pulled out a joint, lighting it up and passing it to her friend before turning her attention to Violet. "So your mom is on TV, right?" Tess asked, and Violet nodded, still not speaking as Tess was handed her joint back, took a puff and exhaled a moment later before saying, "That's pretty cool. What kind of TV thing does she do?" "She has her own show. She tries to help people," Violet said, suddenly extremely self conscious of how she sounded and how she spoke. "That's pretty neat," Tess's friend said. "She's a nice person," Violet said, making the other girls chuckle. The door swung open and the third girl from before came in, with Courtney by her side. Violet and Courtney stopped and stared at one another momentarily, until Tess finally hopped off the counter and handed the third girl the joint. "So," Tess said, "Violet, we know a lot of kids at school make fun of you, but we'd easily fix that if you do something for us. We want you to stop being friends with Courtney. That's it. That's all you'd have to do, and then you'd never have to worry about being harassed or made fun of again." "But...but I like Courtney," Violet said, making Courtney crack a little smile. "Well, Courtney doesn't belong in your life, just like she doesn't belong in the girls bathroom," Tess said, "and she doesn't deserve to hang out with girls and pretend she's one of them." Tess was now standing in front of Courtney, staring her down, making her feel uncomfortable. Violet stepped back and watched, unsure of what to do or say. Tess's friends, though appearing to laugh lightly at the whole situation, were in fact also unsure of what to do or say. This entire thing seemed to be housed directly between Tess and Courtney. "You're so unnecessarily cruel," Courtney muttered, and Tess laughed. "I'm not the one playing make believe, you're the one being cruel, making a mockery of us," Tess replied, "You think you're a girl, but you're not, and you never will be. I think it's time you accepted that and stopped trying to be something you're not. You might look okay because of drugs and whatever, and your family might have enough money to make you into something you're not, but you'll never be a real woman." Courtney looked at Violet, who looked like she was in shock, before turning and heading to leave, before Tess grabbed her around the neck and pulled her into a stall. She was laughing, cackling almost, as she pulled Courtney's head down towards an open toilet, about to submerge her head into it as her friends looked giddily onwards. Violet finally snapped out of her shock and didn't know what to do so she improvised by simply kicking Tess in the back of the legs, making her fall to her knees and let go of Courtney. Violet grabbed Courtneys arm and quickly lifted her up, the both of them making a rush for the bathroom door and once out in the hall, heading out towards the front of the school. They rushed out onto the sidewalk and down the street. Once they'd gotten far enough away they stopped in a nearby coffee shop and seated themselves in a booth. Courtney looked at her hands, irritated her nail had broke, as Violet just sat across from her, completely dumbfounded by what she'd witnessed. "That girl sucks so much," Courtney said, "God, someone needs to put her in her place." "...what did she mean?" Violet finally asked, and Courtney sighed, turning to face her friend. "Thank you for defending me," Courtney said, "I really owe you a lot. You really are a friend." "What did she mean?" Violet asked, reiterating her question. "...Tess and I used to be best friends, and she used to have a crush on me, back when....back before I started being Courtney," Courtney said, "I wasn't always physically a girl. I won't tell you my deadname or anything, because frankly the past is the past and it doesn't matter, but once I started being who I really am, she turned on me and she hated me with an intensity that made my heart break. She's never tried to physically attack me, but I guess it makes sense that it was only a matter of time before it finally happened." "...you...that's what they mean when they called you a 'fraud'?" Violet asked, and Courtney nodded, almost crying. "Please don't hate me, I'm always afraid everyone will hate me for things I never had any control over and it hurts so much to continue to lose people I care about," Courtney said, "I thought...when I befriended you, that maybe, like, you would understand me because you're different too, but not in a bad sort of way, in a perfect sort of way. That's why I guess I thought you'd be a good friend." "...do you..." Violet started, and then finished with, "do you wanna go to my house and watch TV?" Courtney smiled and wiped her eyes, nodding, as they stood up. Courtney bought them each some cocoa and then they headed off towards Violet's together, two outcasts who at least had eachother. *** "Sometimes it's hard to remember the things you like about yourself," Natasha said, staring at the camera, "but, it's important to make a constant daily effort to remember what's good about you. And I've always said that the best parts about myself, or anyone, is what's unique to them. Maybe we each have a specific skill we're good at, or maybe we have a visual difference that sets us apart. That's what we like about ourselves, or we should, and we should never let others turn that good thing around to be a negative." She sighed and stood up, pacing across the stage as Jay turned the camera, following her; at home, Courtney and Violet were watching Natasha on the television while they lounged on the couch together. "When my ex husband left, he told me that it was because I cared too much about helping others and not enough about being with him. But why is empathy a negative thing? That's the thing I'm best at, and how dare he try and make me hate what's best about me. And frankly, if that's how someone is going to try and make me feel about the best part of myself, then that's not someone I'd really care to help. So my advice for todays show is that, the next time someone tries to take the greatest part of you and make it the worst, just remember they're jealous because they don't have what you do, and that's why they want you to hate it too. Thanks for tuning in, I've been Natasha Simple, and I'll see you tomorrow. Remember to love one another, and yourself." The camera cut off, and the "on air" light went dead as Natasha sat again on the set couch as Jay came back up on the stage and looked at her. Natasha pulled a pillow and covered her face with it, screaming into it as he stood and watched, chuckling. "That was so schmaltzy," Natasha said, "I'm ashamed, and sickened." "Yeah, but it was true," Jay said, "And that's what people expect of you, especially now." Natasha pulled the pillow away and looked at him. "Do you wanna go get something to eat with me?" she asked, and Jay shrugged. "Sure, I don't see why not. Won't your daughter want you home though?" he asked, and Natasha laughed. "Please, if anyone is capable of taking care of herself, it's my daughter," Natasha said, "But I suppose I should call and let her know at least." Jay went to grab his coat and put some equipment away as Natasha pulled her cell phone out and dialed the house phone. Violet answered on the third ring, and Natasha could hear Courtney laughing in the background, and smiled at the sound. "Hi mom," Violet said, "We saw your show. Courtney wants me to tell you thank you." "...well tell her she's welcome, even if I don't know why," Natasha said, slightly chuckling herself now, "Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'll be home a bit late. I'm going to have dinner with a friend. Are you gonna be okay until I get home?" A moment passed, as Violet looked at Courtney enjoying herself flipping through TV channels and eating right out of a box of Oreos, and then she smiled to herself and answered, "Yeah mom, we'll be okay."
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Public Access follows Natasha Simple, a self qualified "self help" instructor with her own show on local public access. But when she makes a sudden and surprising statement on air, her entire life changes, for the better...and the worse. Archives
December 2022
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